This image was lost some time after publication.

We made it! After months of tooth-gnashing and tuxedo-vest-rending, Hollywood's Greatest Night has arrived, and we're here to capture every significant moment for you, in easy-to-digest, timestamped morsels. We've done everything in our power to make sure that things run smoothly, but as always, mishaps do happen. (We're reminded of the tragic 63rd, when Lorraine Bracco's seat-filler inexplicably caught fire.) On the E! pre-show alone, Jennifer Garner's conversation with Ryan Seacrest was interrupted by a shocking neck-smooch attack perpetrated by a possibly candy-flipping Gary Busey. What cameras didn't capture was the fact that the actor was naked from the waist down. No matter. Garner is quarantined, under observation, and seems OK. And you're in the comfort and safety of your own home, where no slobbery Buseys can ever reach you.

Without further ado...let the games begin! (And—not that you asked—but we're in vintage Sweet P, bag by Trader Joe's.)

8:46 No Country For Old Men takes it!! It deserved it!! We loved it!! We don't know how to deal with these strange, fulfilled-Oscar emotions. Someone hold us. And Scott Rudin just called John Barlow his "honey," giving this ceremony a much needed shot of gay-drenaline. How utterly satisfying. Now, if you'll kindly excuse us, we're going to get to the level of tankededeness we've been dreaming about all night. Sure, it's an abrupt ending—but no more abrupt than the 2008 Best Picture winner's. Good night, everyone!

8:45: Wait a second—it's over?? There were 12,000 montages! That's impossible!

8:40: The Coens take Best Director. We won't even parse this one with a joke: that feels really good. A crisp fin to whoever leads us to YouTube of Henry Kissinger: A Man on the Go first.

8:36: Daniel Day-Lewis takes Best Actor, and in a heartfelt acceptance speech, thanks his grandfather, Michael Bolton. (We think. It's loud in here.) Wait—the orchestra just broke into "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?" Yup, Michael Bolton is Daniel Day-Lewis's grandfather.

8:33 Helen Mirren is doing things to our pants.

8:29: Diablo just texted us from backstage! "honest to liveblog, winning an O-man is the bizzomble! itz fierceballs! just met best actrix Marion, doing the best diddle of her career by getting her Edict Rice-Piaf on!"

8:24: A cheer just erupted from Jumbo's Clown Room!

8:15: Don't ask, don't tell: Things get a smidge dour with the documentary competition (Best Short goes to Freeheld, Best Feature, Taxi to the Dark Side.) But to reward you for having made it this far, we have a special treat for you: An underwear-model palate cleanser. Enjoy.

8:08: Just what this ceremony needs: More Amy Adams. Atonement wins Best Score, which, based on that string arrangement snippet we've heard approximately 7000 times in those fragrance-ad-ish TV spots, is very score-like.

8:05: The In Memoriam Grieve-O-Plaud-O-Meter round-up: Kitty Carlysle Hart sets it off, Suzanne Pleshette gets it going (a solid 7), and Heath Ledger, not surprisingly, seals the deal. Then, quite dramatically, they kill the lights. (Perhaps a poor choice of words.)

7:59: There Will Be Blood takes Best Cinematography. We take this moment to recognize Stewart for his I-drink-your-milkshake-joke restraint tonight. Wish we could say the same about SNL—though Bill Hader did nail Plainview.

7:56 That's nice—Jon Stewart just brought out Marketa so she could have her acceptance speech moment. How cute is she? We just hope this new second-chance policy doesn't extend to those creepy, ponytailed Sound weirdos.

7:49 Once wins Best Song, says John Travolta (in fetching AstroScalp™ hair piece). The audience seems genuinely thrilled for Glen Hansard; unfortunately, Marketa Irglova doesn't get a chance to speak. Those two need to get it on, already. So she's married—so what. You can make it work!

7:45: We get it. Enchanted is an enchanting movie with lots of wonderful songs. Now can someone shoo Lumière and the rest of the gang of the stage? And we're officially drunk, so can someone clarify: Is that Amy Adams? Or an Amy Adamalike? And who the hell is singing? Where's Simon Cowell when you need him?! OK, we think we need a bathroom break.

7:42: Our heads are literally spinning, trying to unscramble Penelope Cruz's accent as she introduces the Best Foreign Film. Austrian film The Counterfeiters wins, a stirring bio-drama about lesser-known, slightly eccentric German dictator, Gaydolph Titler.

7:32: Nicole Kidman's face-stylists really gave her a great look tonight, didn't they? Engaged, content—just right. Can't wait to see what they cook up for the after-parties!

7:28: So Renée is going to get trounced by the CoJo set tomorrow, isn't she? Yes. Yes she is. Too bad she can't Best Edit that haircut away. (Infernal sparkling wine demons.) Bourne takes Editing, which was definitely a very edited movie. We had No Country.

7:26: Do you really have to ask? Yes they are going to go through every single Best Picture of all time. Bladder-voiding time, unless you want to hiss along to Forrest Gump and Crash. Hisssssssss...... P.S. We're going to be here 'til dawn.

7:20 Once really deserves Best Song. We're fighting back tears and stroking a broken vacuum cleaner right now.

7:17 OK, now they're really scraping the montage barrel, as "80 Years of Wii" fails to provide the emotionally resonant clips of some of the other categories.

7:13: Marion Cotillard accepts an award the way a magical French pixie who dominates an above-average biopic should. The Gays in attendance approve.

7:11: Big one: Best Actress. Call it!

7:09: Topic for conversation: Fuck, Marry, Kill: Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jon Stewart. Go!

7:05 Sound Editing and Sound Mixing both go to The Bourne Ultimatum. Still, the winners don't have supreme power over sound, as nothing they say can stop an ear-piercing orchestra swell or the killing of a mic.

7:01 All hail the Doughy Semitics. Their time has arrived. (For now.)

6:54: Amy Adams: You've just been served by Kristen Chenoweth. But, you know, in a cheesy-Oscars-musical-number kind of way. So don't worry. You still rock.

6:50: Good thing everyone kept their speeches short, so we could watch this fascinating ten-minute educational film starring Sid Ganis about the voting process. It really needed a Schoolhouse Rock-style animated, anthropomorphic ballot, didn't it. Most interesting part? The fact that they showed Penelope Cruz's address. Production company, not home. But still. Bury 'em in mail, billion-person Oscars audience!

This image was lost some time after publication.

6:46: Now they're talking reeeeeally sllowwly. We're not even going to fake this: We completely missed that.

6:45: The Coens are walking reeeeeally slloowwly.

6:44: We think Jessica Alba just rattled off something technical, but let's face it—no one really pays attention to her since she got herself knocked-up. Meow! The claws are out—we must be feeling the cheap champagne.

6:38: Tilda Swinton wins Best Supporting Actress. She submits herself to the Greatest Actor's Sacrifice, and donates her award to agent Brian Swardstrom, who apparently is the spitting-image of Oscar, right down to his chiseled, voluptuous buttocks. A great call-out to co-star Clooney and his benippled Batsuit, and she's out! One thing is for certain: It's going to be a hot, intergenerational menage-a-trois at the Swintons' tonight.

6:32: The Shorts are called, and something French wins Live-Action, and something stop-action wins Animated. Adjust your pools accordingly.

6:29: It's Owen Wilson! Heyyy, buddy... You look great! How's it going? You OK? Need anything? What? We are not walking on eggshells around you!

6:25: Apparently a movie called August Rush starring Felicity was in theaters this year, giving producers a great excuse to trot out the He Is Risen Academy Choir, whose performance of this song is slightly less rousing than their 2006 rendition of "Hard Out Here For A Pimp."

6:23: Even if it was for a pace-killing gag about pointless montages, we were heartened to see Pee-wee Herman make an appearance during the Waking Up From Bad Dreams retrospective.

6:17: Looks like we won our coin-flip, friendo: Javier Bardem picks up a statuette, and apparently is still traumatized by his Anton Chigurh hair. Get over it, already! The hair got you an Oscar!

6:15: They really should have let Jennifer Hudson sing the Best Supporting Actor nominees.

6:14: Hey—Tommy Lee Jones was bald in the mid-90s, yet now has a lustrous head of hair! It's an Oscar miracle!

6:12: Looks like we're on the same page as Stewart, who just identified her outstanding work as the swimming pitbull in No Country For Old Men. Now that he mentions, it, though—that pitbull really does deserve some kind of special Oscar. Does it not? That was our single favorite scene of the year.

6:10: Granted we're a little preoccupied, but when did The Rock morph into Cate Blanchett? That's even more impressive than her transformation into Bob Dylan! Oh—we're informed she was suctioned in via pneumatic presenter tube. Sneaky producers!

6:00: Wow—The Golden Compass wins something: Best Visual Effects. A true upset, as indicated by the guy with his hands in his hair and the utterly shocked look on his face. Talking/fighting polar bears RULE, dude! (No, we didn't see it. But c'mon—they rule.) Sorry, Disciples of Bay. Not your year.

6:00: We love Amy Adams, but without the princess get-up and dancing vermin, this numbers is a little West Covina Christian Community Center presents Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

5:53: Katherine Heigl's veers from her introduction for Best Makeup to mention it's "Joshua's bedtime," whoever that is. La Vie en Rose wins, effectively shutting out Norbit. There is no God!

5:53: Chalk up one more point on your Oscar pool: Ratatouille wins. Brad Bird delivers his famous high school guidance counselor story we just read in the LAT, rambles a bit, and the first music-swell of the evening accompanies the ceremonial snapping open of the trapdoor for long-windeds.

5:52: Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway offer a chilling demonstration of what happens when bad patter goes, uh, badly.

5:46: Impossibly twinkly-eyed George Clooney (is that mascara we detect?) puts both hands in his pockets—a secret shout-out to new best friend Joel Stein—and introduces the evening's first PowerPoint presentation. The theme? We have no freaking clue, but we have a strong feeling we're glimpsing the dark void of whatwas in store if the strike wasn't resolved in time.

5:42: A still-shaken Jennifer Garner (what did that monster Busey do to her hair???) announces the winner of Best Costume Design, which goes to Elizabeth: The Golden Age. An admirably short—if emotionless—standard is set for future acceptance speeches, as Sid Ganis nods approvingly in the wings.

5:40: A serviceable monologue manages to slip the words "Gaydolph Titler" past network censors.



5:35: Jon Stewart emerges from a sort of suction-tube delivery device that presumably ends at his Daily Show office, and launches right into a requisite shout-out to writers.

5:30: It's on! Through the magic of really crappy CGI, Megatron just blew up a young, pirouetting Travolta. Awesome! Bay has his hands all over that.

5:26: We're confused. Why is Regis wandering around the audience before the show started. Then Regis mangles Javier Bardem's name, calling him "Xavier Bardem." Javier takes it in stride, however, chuckling lightly to himself as he fantasizes about pneumatic cattle-bolts flying into the slightly addled melon of the World Record Holder for Live Television Hours.

5:23: False alarm. Regis is just backstage, mixing with the cast of Who Wants to Marry A Bavarian Milkmaid?, the latest Mark Graham reality hit coincidentally shooting next door.

5:20: In the last few moments of the official red carpet countdown, an overcome Regis Philbin was led off by concerned handlers after he mistook Ellen Page for a young Shelley Winters.