After walking to work during flooding, a U.K. Subway employee dried her soaked socks and gloves in the store's oven, normally reserved for heating weird-smelling bread.

There's a grain of truth to this one. A very tiny, crumbly, solitary grain.

Just after 7:30 am local time, a news helicopter crashed and exploded near the Space Needle in Seattle. At least two people were killed in the crash. The chopper belongs to local news channel KOMO, according to KIRO TV.

A trombonist who couldn't hold back a sneeze during a church orchestra performance just let it fly directly into his instrument, producing one of the strangest sounds ever heard in classical music.

Consider us, the average American consumers: couch-bound, sluggish, overweight, grazing on a steady diet of heavy meats, hormone-laced milk, and refined sugars. An economically required fast is the best thing that could happen to us.

Yesterday's announcement that astronomers have detected gravitational waves and confirmed the inflation theory of the Big Bang is a game-changer for astrophysicists everywhere, but no one is more excited than Stanford professor Andrei Linde.

Ignoring sanctions from the U.S. and E.U., a defiant Vladimir Putin announced on Tuesday that Russia would annex Crimea, which he said "has always been an integral part of Russia in the hearts and minds of people."

Missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370's initial turn from its planned flight route was reportedly scheduled on a computer system and programmed by someone with access to the cockpit, casting further suspicion on the plane's pilots and crew.

In the western Mexican state of Michoacán, Public Safety Secretary Carlos Castellanos Becerra has detained a key member of the Knights Templar cartel who is suspected of kidnapping children and having their organs removed for trafficking.

The US Navy determined today that their 7th Fleet, who has been involved in the search for the missing Malaysian Airlines flight MH370, will no longer be useful in the search.

We knew this day would come, the day when Bay Area radio station 105.7 halted their constant loop of Nelly's "Hot In Herre", and that day was today. The hour was approximately 5:25pm PST. There were no more clothes to take off.

Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair, who was accused of sexual assault against a captain in charges that originally included forcible sodomy and maltreatment of subordinates, reportedly teared up while reading his plea in court this afternoon.

[Dog is all "Dear fucking God, will someone please just kill me?" after Duchess Kate Middleton pins shrub to his fucking head for St. Patrick's Day. Image via Kirsty Wigglesworth/AP.]

A woman who claimed she had the devil inside her drove a car through the doors of a church, then stabbed her husband in the chest when he showed up to check on her. She said God told her to do it.

"Sam Bruv Bird," who doesn't do drugs, just smokes weed, got a little confused yesterday when his hateful Illuminati-shaming vitriol was tossed at the wrong public social media account. He rightfully apologized when he realized it was only a DJ night in Atlanta called Illuminate. A humbling mea culpa.

Move over, Buck 22, this is the worst song of 2014. Farrah Abraham has claimed (on reality TV, no less) that the release of her "sex tape" (which is actually just a porno...with a sequel) was traumatic for her, but look at her capitalizing on it with the cloddish double entendre of her new single, "Blowin." They say that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade; in "Blowin," Abraham is making lemonade out of her own juices. And look, she invited her daughter along to help!

The final victim in the suspected gas explosion that leveled two East Harlem apartment buildings last Wednesday has been identified. The AP is reporting that Mayumi Nakamura, who died from burns, is the eighth victim in the blast that injured more than 60 people.

"The odds that Congress will pass an increase in the U.S. minimum wage before the November elections are so low that even the nation's lobbyists are largely ignoring it."

Angus T. Jones, formerly one of the highest-paid child actors in TV for his work on Two and a Half Men, has fully backed out of the show to pursue a new beard and his relationship with God.

A third person has died from injuries sustained during last week's car accident at the South by Southwest festival in Austin. Sandy Thuy Le was 26.