If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if we pay you for a PlayStation 3 and you never deliver, do we not spam your phone with Shakespeare until you submit?

The search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is now in its tenth day, and as authorities attempt to make sense of the plane's disappearance, and family members grapple with the likely loss of its 239 passengers, the internet is hard at work trying to figure out what happened. Some theories are obviously wrong (aliens?). Some are just probably wrong—but their plausibility has led to widespread dissemination online. Here are four of the least crazy-sounding:

Two weeks ago, Texas death row inmate Ray Jasper wrote us a letter. Tomorrow, barring any last minute miracles, Ray Jasper will die.

Are the food and service any good at the Backstreets Pub and Deli in Clemson, South Carolina? I don't know. But I do know this: The bar's owner has big brass ones and no qualms about tussling with Second Amendment nuts.

Rachel Canning, the 18-year-old cheerleader and honor student who moved out of her parents' home and then sued them for college tuition, asked a court to dismiss her case Tuesday.

Everyone who bothers to punch a few numbers into a calculator can tell you that most Americans have absolutely no hope of saving enough money for retirement. It's dog food days all around. The latest figures show that we are more confident about our retirement prospects, but just as broke as ever.

[A pro-Russian woman in Crimea celebrates after watching a broadcast of Vladimir Putin's speech on Crimea on Tuesday. Yes, that is a Josef Stalin calendar she's holding. Image via Vadim Ghirda/AP.]

She can't, but she must, or she'll literally be dying. This tragic tale of the Beyoncé-inspired nationwide outbreak of inability to can is everything.

A group of left-wing academics have formed a group to oppose other groups of left-wing academics who are calling on academics to boycott Israel. The outcome of this struggle will determine the future of Palestine.

Last week, gay blogger Joe Jervis noticed that Fox News anchor Shepard Smith was listed as a “Special Guest” for Headlines & Headliners, an annual gala held by the National Gay and Lesbian Journalists Association in New York City. The title of Jervis’s post read: “Is Fox Anchor Shep Smith Coming Out?”

Continuing her campaign to win America's hearts and minds, "Duke porn star" Belle Knox had a safe-for-work chat with the prudish ladies of The View Monday morning, scandalizing them with talk of (gasp!) empowering women and sex workers.

How much does a puppy photographer make? About $750 a week in the DC area, apparently. Get those resumés and portfolios up to date now!

Tuesday morning, the crew at Denver's Fox affiliate KDVR tried to show some photos from today's helicopter crash in Seattle. Instead, they accidentally aired a picture of a flaccid penis. [NSFW, obviously]

Following her death on Monday from an apparent suicide, New York designer L’Wren Scott was largely eulogized for her decade-long romantic relationship with Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones. According to the New York Post, however, Scott “told a longtime friend from her native Utah last week that the legendary Stones frontman had dumped her.” The Post did not name the friend.

So a guy came by the office the other day. I'll call him Bill. Bill was accompanied by an established journalist that several Gawker staffers know. Bill had something he wanted to show us, and the journalist was making an introduction. What he wanted to show us: Chris Christie and several unidentified males having sex with a woman, on tape.

FiveThirtyEight is puzzled: Its computer analysis of Shakespeare finds that Romeo and Juliet speak less to each other than to other characters, or than Lady Macbeth speaks to Macbeth. Chosen mascot: the flexible-thinking fox, of fox-and-hedgehog fame. Better mascot: a hammer bashing anything vaguely nail-shaped.

Police in Gainesville have a new aid in the search for a man who's peeing on women near the University of Florida campus: a sketch of the perp that resembles a hoodie-wearing Cabbage Patch Doll, or a castoff Mr. Potato Head, or a racially fraught vaudevillian Muppet.

A Ukrainian soldier died Tuesday afternoon after armed Russian forces opened fire at a Ukrainian military base in the Crimean capital of Simferopol. Earlier Tuesday, President Putin signed a treaty to annex Crimea from Ukraine.

Over at the New Yorker this morning, Jeffrey Toobin has written up a list of potential Supreme Court nominees. No, you didn't miss anything; no one's died or resigned; and according to some that's just the problem. Toobin puts it relatively delicately:

Scientific research has now confirmed what has long been understood by those of us with the strength of character necessary to live life as raffish, devil-may-care iconoclasts: wearing "nice" clothes that are "appropriate" is for losers.