Here is a very special citation from the Pulitzer committee.

"They are not exactly starting from the gutter" is certainly one way of contextualizing Matthew and Nicole Mellon, fledgling husband-and-wife fashion designers whose last name comes from, yes, the bank. The duo appeared in yesterday's Times, saying the perfect things rich people say in the Times.

The Pulitzer Prizes have been announced: two reporting prizes for the Washington Post, two photography prizes for the New York Times, and no prize awarded for feature writing. The full list is here. Congratulations to all the winners of this prize we're too cool to care about.

Frazier Glenn Miller, the man arrested for killing three people at two different Jewish centers in Overland Park, Kansas, over the weekend and allegedly screaming "Sieg Heil!" while he as detained, loved Ron Paul and Pat Buchanan, according to an old radio interview.

I made my husband a birthday party and invited his friends and colleagues. I prepared a bunch of my best dishes including a chocolate cake I have perfected for the past 4 years from various recipes. Now let me tell you about the cake: It's perfection, moist, rich and the frosting achieved the delicate balance for it to be delicious to chocoholics and those of us that aren't. Everyone went crazy for it and now my husband asked me to give him my recipe to pass it to the wife of a colleague. Normally I wouldn't mind—I've given my recipes to people in his office—but this lady rubs me off the wrong way. Ever since I met her there's something about her I can't explain that makes me dislike her very much and I can't imagine she cares that much about me given that we have barely spoken and are not even Facebook friends. So now I don't want to give her my recipe since she didn't even bother asking me personally, but my husband says I'm being childish and should just share it. Is that okay?

A British ice cream maker managed to simulate the experience of popping bottles and popping boners with a new flavo(u)r called The Arousal. Key ingredients: Champagne and Viagra.

Bain Capital—the Romney-built private equity firm that extracts wealth from humanity with the alacrity of an anteater jamming its many-hooked oral proboscis into a lush ant colony—is always looking for profitable trends in the markets. And America's profitable trend today is: hard drugs.

For your consideration, members of the Academy: Perennial non-Oscar-winner Leonardo DiCaprio's stirring performance as "white guy dancing to MGMT at Coachella."

A new report estimates that U.S. taxpayers spend more than $6 billion each year to provide government benefits to low-paid Walmart workers. The Walton family, which owns Walmart, is worth $149 billion, and is always working to pay lower taxes.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Chicago to Sacramento made an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger tried to jump out through a rear emergency exit door.

This unfiltered emotional display only makes the most likable man in pop music more likable*. After watching a montage of fan-made videos to his No. 1 hit "Happy" during his interview on Oprah Prime, Pharrell wept (and wept). When the renaissance man finally pulled himself together, he explained, "It's overwhelming, because it's like I love what I do, and I just appreciate the fact that people have believed in me for so long that I could make it to this point to feel that." Wow, superstar humility: whoever would have thought it were possible in this day and age?

The Washington Post published a book excerpt by retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens titled "The five extra words that can fix the Second Amendment" late last week. The words aren't "fewer crazy dipshits with guns," but that's their basic gist.

The teenage girl who made a prank terrorism threat to American Airlines on Twitter over the weekend has reportedly been arrested at her home in Rotterdam, The Netherlands.

Last week, a judge ordered an Ohio man who harassed his neighbor and her disabled children to stand on a street corner for five hours while holding a sign that says "I AM A BULLY!"

Typical big corporations: You just want to buy a precision scale to measure ingredients for your own blend of nutrient-rich food substitute, and they think you're some kind of drug-dealing weirdo.

"Oooh, girl! You got she-mail!" is something you'll never hear again on RuPaul's Drag Race. Logo tells the Huffington Post that in response to accusations of transphobia, they've nixed that bit and have pulled from their platforms an episode featuring a "Female or Shemale" challenge. #socialjustice

The percentage of mothers who stay at home has risen sharply in the past 15 years. You might think this would make the lives of fathers easier. Hell no. Everyone is miserable.

Last night's Lindsay showed all that goes into a celebrity club-hosting gig: getting ready, walking on a red carpet, standing around, taking selfie pics with fans, and speaking on a mic for a bit. For this — a total of two hours of her time — Lindsay Lohan was paid $100,000. She still managed to fuck it up, arriving late and then causing grumbling about the time she spent on the red carpet.

You know what you're getting with Lana Del Rey at this point—post-Mad Men golden age revivalism, blank sadness—but the singer does still have the ability to surprise. Take, for instance, her new single "West Coast," which randomly quotes the New Radicals.

Pro-Russian men storm a police station in the eastern Ukrainian town of Horlivka on Monday. Several government buildings have fallen to mobs of Moscow loyalists in recent days as unrest spreads across the eastern part of the country. Image via Efrem Lukatsky/AP.