What happened to Jonad?

A 42-year-old teacher has been arrested after admitting to giving one of her middle school students a "full contact lap dance" in front of her entire class.

"1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms!" an unhinged Alex Jones once screamed at a slightly more-hinged Piers Morgan. Jonesies—who've gone all in for Cliven Bundy—love to cite America's founders to defend their gun caresses. Usually, they get it wrong.

In light of the recent decision by a professional basketball team, comprised of mostly black players, to respond to their boss basically saying “I hate niggers” by turning their shirts inside out the next day at work, I have come to the decision that I agree wholeheartedly with the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, and I too do not want black people invited to my events.

The Center for Public Integrity released a report today showing that in 26 cases since 2010, federal appellate judges had a financial interest in one of the parties before them. As you might imagine, that's a giant no-no under federal law. Judges are supposed to keep an eye on what their investments are and recuse themselves from cases accordingly.

Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brickell were reportedly arrested after a domestic dispute over the weekend.

Israeli motorists stand next to their cars on a freeway as a two-minute siren sounds in memory of victims of the Holocaust in Tel Aviv, Israel, on Monday, which is Holocaust Remembrance Day. Image via Ariel Schalit/AP.

Rep. Michael Grimm reportedly turned himself in to the FBI on Monday morning and was arrested on charges of mail fraud, tax fraud, and wire fraud. The Republican congressman from New York will be arraigned in federal court later today.

They fight weight gain, belly fat, diabetes, and cholesterol—almonds may be the world's single healthiest snack, despite being just the fourth-best nut.

It's Saturday afternoon and you're in an empty subway car (that apparently wasn't cleared out by the overpowering smell of poop). There's only one logical thing to do—twirl around like the hills are alive with the sound of music— and Jordan Muller did it.

America is making a comeback! That's according to David Petraeus, the disgraced former general who really needs a comeback. Also in need of an American comeback: the monster private equity firm that hired Petraeus to write about how America's making a comeback.

Last year, Timothy Flanagan was hired a president of Illinois State University. In March, following an "incident," Flanagan stepped down after seven months on the job. He got a half million dollars on his way out the door. For what?

Last month, U.S. military planners were scratching their heads over why the Iranians were building a painstaking replica of a Nimitz-class American aircraft carrier, all the way down to the deck numbers. Well, it turns out Iran just really wants to make it go boom.

Today in #cool #teens, here's a Japanese kid who attached his toothbrush to the slide of the Airsoft version of a Glock 18c pistol, turning it into the most ridiculous automatic oral hygiene system in the world.

Washington D.C.'s last video store is dead. The cause of death was every leisure-class Washingtonian's obsession with binge-watching House of Cards online and favorably comparing themselves to the characters.

A Knox County, Tenn. Sheriff's deputy was fired Sunday night after photos emerged of the officer allegedly choking a 21-year-old college student unconscious.

"Historians called what happened a 'fever,' while lawmakers debated what should be done to end the plushy pussy mayhem." It is not just disappointing, but disconcerting, to find that this story is about a toy giveaway at McDonald's.

Richard Gere played such a convincing homeless man in New York last week that a kind-hearted French tourist took pity on him and tried to give him her leftover pizza.

A powerful storm sent deadly tornadoes spiraling through the central and southern United States this weekend, leaving at least 17 dead and countless others injured.

A beloved annual kindergarten show at a New York school was canceled this week by administrators in an apparent effort to prepare the five-year-olds for college, probably by teaching them that you can't trust anyone.