On Monday, Ted Cruz explained his bizarre reference to “the basketball ring” at a campaign rally in Indiana by confessing he isn’t exactly Mickey Gordon when it comes to making buckets.

Late Saturday night at a White House Correspondents Dinner afterparty, two not-not intoxicated reporters got into a scuffle about a fellow reporter. Now there’s video of the incident.

Thanks to weekly four-day weekends and a general inclination to do anything other than legislate, The Politico reports this year’s Senate will likely spend the least amount of time in the Senate in more than 60 years.

Thomas Gilbert, the hedge fund heir who allegedly killed his father over a $200 drop in his allowance, will likely be disappointed to learn that the old man (of whose will he is a major beneficiary) was only worth $585,555.50—far less than the $1.6 million Thomas and his mother expected.

Ted Cruz may never be president, but there is one thing the American public can’t withhold from him—a debate forum. Today, he tested his skills on a random Trump supporter, who answered each of Cruz’s arguments with a salient counterpoint: Who cares?

Heidi Cruz engaged in some stellar verbal gymnastics on the campaign trail this morning, presumably to avoid implicating herself when the truth finally does come out. All of which is to say, Heidi Cruz declined to deny that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer.

Carly Fiorina hasn’t been able to claim very many “wins” in her life. HP was a disaster. Her run for the Senate was a disaster. And most recently, her bid for the presidency was a disaster. But now, Carly Fiorina has made her gravest mistake of all: Accepting a position in which she’s forced to touch Ted Cruz constantly.

Sandy Rios, Director of Government Affairs at the American Family Association, just revealed to anti-LGBT quasi-hate group Breitbart that her own anti-LGBT quasi-hate group is planting adult men in women’s bathrooms at Targets.

Just before launching the rather specifically-named Hillary Victory Fund, ostensibly formed to help “rebuild” the Democratic Party “from the ground up,” Hillary Clinton declared, “When our state parties are strong, we win. That’s what will happen.” According to Politico, however, less than 1 percent of the $61 million raised by the fund has remained with the state parties.

Very few people in the United States understand how the byzantine delegate party system works, and according to Politico, New Hampshire Republicans are hoping to use this fact to their advantage to freeze out Donald Trump.

America’s bloated higher education industry is supported by the work of an immense pool of well-educated and very poorly paid workers: the adjunct professors. They are telling us all about it. And they have a few ideas.

Marco Rubio advisors say the junior senator from Florida would happily endorse Ted Cruz, but only if Ted Cruz was going to win anyway and there was no one else to endorse and it helped Rubio in some way.

Over the weekend, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg delivered the University of Michigan’s spring commencement address, lecturing students on how it’s weak and wrong to demand “safe spaces.”

The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s chief of staff, Tom Angel, has resigned, the Los Angeles Times reports, after the paper obtained chain emails Angel sent during his time with the Burbank Police Department filled with racist, sexist, and otherwise bigoted jokes.

According to The Washington Post, American children three years old or younger have shot at least 23 people in 2016, five more than they did over the same period in 2015.

In January, Ted Cruz suggested “spanking” Hillary Clinton for not calling Benghazi a terrorist attack. And at a campaign rally on Sunday, Cruz once again advocated a hands-on approach to discipline, this time in response to a young protester yelling, “You suck!”

John Kasich—the Republican dick who seems like a non-dick by virtue being the least actively dickish—celebrated a rare victory this weekend, winning one out of one dates to prom.

Donald Trump, who launched his presidential campaign by accusing Mexican immigrants of “doing the raping,” once again demonstrated his expertise on the topic while discussing America’s trade relations with China this weekend.

Donald Trump, a man whose misogyny knows no bounds, thinks that Hillary Clinton’s controversial remarks about handling men “going off the reservation” are “very demeaning” to men.