You don't have to know or care about poker to empathize with the victim of the nightmare that occurred live on ESPN last night. Both of these guys put up $1 million to buy into a World Series of Poker tournament, and both of them were holding pocket aces, the strongest possible hand.

For two years now, labor groups have been working on a loud public campaign to improve wages and working conditions for fast food workers. Their campaign has been viewed as quixotic. But yesterday, the government gave them an enormous boost.

Gerry Shalam, the 20-year-old NYU student caught on camera pretending to be the heir to a massive real estate empire—"half of fucking Manhattan," no less!—is now an intern for a judge in Brooklyn, the New York Post reports.

After a rap concert on the beach in Conakry, Guinea ended Tuesday night, at least 33 people were reported dead after a stampede occurred. Over 700 people had attended the concert and were asked to leave through a single gated exit.

Rarely have one man and one expletive been as synonymous as Samuel L. Jackson and "motherfucker." Jackson has said the word onscreen 171 times, according to Huffington Post motherfuckerologists Oliver Noble and Ben Craw, who also produced the above supercut of Jackson cementing his personal brand.

According to a newly released decades-long study of thousands of Americans found that people who qualify as heavy drinkers... well, it said something about them, I'm fairly sure of that.

Sadie, age 5, has just confronted the fact that her adorable baby brother won't stay a baby forever. His little baby smiles will soon become slightly-less-adorable toddler smiles. And eventually, the icy finger of death will beckon her, her brother, and all of us. Probably when we're a hundred.

An eight-year-old boy was shot and killed while sleeping in his bed last night in Detroit. Police say a gunman opened fire on the back of his townhouse, and a bullet went through the window and hit him in the chest.

Weeks after a guilty verdict for former News of the World editor Andy Coulson, two more senior editors have been charged with phone hacking at the shuttered British tabloid.

A landslide in Malin, a town in India's Pune district, killed at least ten people and trapped at least 150 more underneath layers of mud up to 15 feet deep.

Human pissbucket Justin Bieber and fucking Legolas got into a fight last night at Cipriani in Ibiza. According to eyewitnesses and video footage captured at the scene, Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Bieber after he suggested he banged Bloom's ex-wife, Miranda Kerr.

A woman waves from a float during the Carnaval des Fleurs in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, Monday. The three-day celebration was started by President Michel Martelly in 2012 as a summer tourist attraction; 22,000 people attended the carnival last year. Image by Dieu Nalio Chery via AP.

Alex Hunter, 16, had to have his teeth removed this month after they had been ruined by years of radiation treatments for cancer. His family's insurance helped cover part of the cost to have his teeth removed, but won't pay for new dentures. The family started a gofundme campaign yesterday to raise the $11,000 needed for the dentures, and have already exceeded their goal. (Current total: $13,902.)

Some students and motorists became stranded after a 102-year-old water main broke near the UCLA campus. A geyser has erupted in the middle of Sunset Boulevard, flooding surrounding streets with rapid water and mud. NBC Los Angeles is reporting that the water is knee-deep in some areas of the campus.

Two women with an apparent death wish narrowly escaped an oncoming train crossing a bridge over Lake Lemon in Indiana earlier this month. The bridge too high up to jump from, the women had no choice but to lie down between the tracks. They survived, the Fox affiliate in Indianapolis reports, with just nine inches separating them from the train.

After months of hesitation, the European Union announced that it will join the United States in its economic sanctions against Russia in response to the country's support of separatists in Ukraine. President Obama also promised today expanded sanctions by the U.S. that will "have an even bigger bite."

Jimmy Kimmel sent a crew to Comic-Con to ask cosplayers these two very pressing questions: "Have you ever had sex in your costume?" and "Would you like to?"

Nearly a year and a half ago, Sara Soto became mildly infamous as "the naked doggy door girl," arrested after breaking into a Texas home through a pet door and hiding in the bathroom (completely nude) until the homeowners found her. She just told her side of the story to MTV in possibly the most in-depth investigation ever published of a nude doggy door trespass, and it is magnificent.

Proving once again that he can do anything, former pro-wrestler, Minnesota governor and balding conspiracy theorist Jesse Ventura won a defamation suit against a dead Navy SEAL Tuesday afternoon, and the dead Navy SEAL's estate now owes Jesse Ventura $1.845 million.

The Fifth Circuit has cast doubt on a Mississippi law which, by imposing burdensome licensing requirements on doctors associated with abortion clinics, threatened to shutter the state's last abortion clinic.