A German-American journalist who was abducted by Somali pirates more than two years ago was set free on Tuesday. He is being taken for medical and psychological examination, but is "in good condition considering the circumstances," his former employer Der Spiegel reports.

At a press conference held tonight, Charlottesville, Va. police announced that their charges against Jesse Leroy Matthew, Jr., the lead suspect in the case of missing University of Virginia student Hannah Graham, have been upgraded to abduction with intent to defile, a class two felony. Matthew has not been seen since speeding away from a police tail over the weekend, when he was charged by police with reckless driving.

A former steakhouse waitress says she donated Rush Limbaugh's rather generous tip money to a group that helps women fund abortions they might not otherwise be able to afford.

We all had our suspicions about the three-boob lady's third boob, and now it appears that the worst is true: Jasmine Tridevil's third breast, TMZ reports, is not a true implant, but a mere prosthetic.

According to an investigative report published Tuesday, heroin is easier to access than wine and cheaper to purchase than a six-pack of beer in Pennsylvania.

There is a new Most Expensive Apartment For Sale in NYC: a Park Avenue triplex for $130 million. Good luck selling that $110 million piece of shit now.

Early this morning, a series of photos began to spread over social media that showed a memorial to Michael Brown, near where he was fatally shot in Ferguson, Mo., being burned on the ground by a large flame. As of this afternoon, neither police nor residents can confirm the cause of the blaze.

An unnamed former UPS employee who was recently fired allegedly shot and killed two people, then himself, at a UPS warehouse in Inglenook, Alabama, this morning. The names of the victims are being withheld pending notification of their families, CNN reports.

Over the last six weeks, the U.S. has launched nearly 200 airstrikes against ISIS targets in Iraq. This morning, President Obama delivered a short statement to officially announce that the U.S. has launched airstrikes in Syria now, too.

Conservative pundit Dinesh D'Souza was sentenced to five years probation and a $30,000 fine today for violating campaign finance laws. For the first eight months of his probation, D'Souza will have to live in a "community confinement center" and undergo "therapeutic counseling." Basically, he has to go to rehab for being a bad person.

This is how you do it. Earlier today at a press conference regarding Senate Bill 42 and House Bill 177, which would expand Pennsylvania's hate crime law to include attacks based on sexuality and gender identity, the former bill's author, State Senator Jim Ferlo of Pittsburgh, came out as gay. He did it like this:

Before dawn today, Israeli special forces raided a basement in the West Bank and killed two Palestinians suspected of murdering Israeli teens in June. According to the Israeli army, the suspects were Hamas militants Marwan Kawasme, 29, and Amer Abu Aysha, 32.

It's come to my attention that many of our readers believe that if you give anything more than a modest sum of money to a poor person, that person will just go out and waste the money on impulse purchases. Allow me to point out that this is false.

Two Portland police officers came to the rescue after the driver delivering Steve Huckins and his wife's Pizza Hut pizza was involved in a car accident. The officers, answering their call to serve, delivered the Huckins' pizza to their front door.

Kanye West knows a thing or two about life. Last week—as part of community service for assaulting an 18-year-old kid who verbally attacked his wife, Kim Kardashian—Kanye stopped by L.A. Trade Technical College and schooled a group of unsuspecting students in Yeezus 101.

Following the World Health Organization's prediction that the Ebola virus could spread to more than 20,000 cases in Africa by November of this year, the Centers for Disease Control has released their own prediction: 1.4 million cases by mid-January of next year. The CDC's estimation, the Associated Press reports, is based on the largely held assumption that the number of actual cases on the continent are underreported.

Last Wednesday, singer and definitely not a cat that body-switched with her human master (Taylor Swift) Taylor Swift was photographed quitting her beautiful New York City penthouse of horrors with her new cat Olivia Benson carried en plein air.

Dale Decker is a man who says he orgasms in his pants over 100 times per day. As he and his wife explain in the video below, this is a horrible affliction that makes it impossible for him to live any semblance of a normal life. But there is something we must all admit about Dale Decker's story: its tragedy is sadly, pitifully, and undeniably funny.

Nothing is more American than an enormous refrigerator, or dishwasher, an energy-guzzling monstrosity performing the basic service of making our lives a little easier, because we. Are. Americans. Is it time to panic over the decline in the American way of appliances?

Gilchrist County, Fla. police have released the 911 call made by Don Spirit the night he shot and killed his daughter and his six grandchildren in their home in the small town of Bell last Thursday evening. "I just shot my daughter and shot all my grandkids and I'll be sitting on my step, and when you get here, I'm going to shoot myself," Don Spirit said on the call. "Every one of them are dead." Briefly after speaking with police, Spirit turned the gun on himself.