iOS 8's QuickText feature, in addition to being a not-particularly-good way to actually send a text, is a pretty good way to generate quasi-random gibberish. Jonathan Mann, a guy who has uploaded a new original song to YouTube every day since January 2009, used it to write a song.

Lorde's recent appearances on South Park—where she was revealed to be the musical alter ego of Stan's dad, Randy Marsh—came up in a new interview with TV3 in the singer's native New Zealand, and reporter David Farrier got her to sort-of-perform a snippet of her song from the show.

Professor Chill, a cool-ass nickname I bestowed upon Speed star Keanu Reeves, participated in a Reddit AMA on Monday morning that, among other things, revealed him to be a thoughtful spinner of words. Childhood, George Carlin, breakfast—nothing is too mundane for Reeves to weave. The title of his first poetry book? Reeves Weaves.

The Catholic Church reached a huge milestone today when bishops declared that gay partnerships have value and that LGBT people have plenty of "gifts" to offer the church. Even though gay marriage is still off the table, conservative Catholic groups are pissed.

Not too long ago, any half-bright young Ivy League whelp with a taste for fluorescent lighting and endless drudgery could get an entry-level lawyer job in a big city for a fat salary. Sadly, it's not quite so easy any more.

Iggy Azalea, who cares, was shopping in California on Friday when she encountered a photographer who was eager to get a snap of the young Australian rapper. Not pleased with the attention, Azalea decided to do what we all do: yell a lot and wish Ebola upon a stranger.

A nurse working in a northeastern Italian hospital has been arrested as part of an investigation into the deaths of 38 patients who, cops said, she may have injected with potassium chloride because they or their family members were "annoying,"

While the rest of us spend all our time worrying about being "cool," some people out there are just living their damn lives.

When you're a stand-up comic, getting heckled during your set is just one of the hazards of doing business. But what if your verbal assailant is an on-duty officer of the law?

Should Massachusetts secede from Eastern Time to get away from its soul-killing 4:11 p.m. sunsets? Yes, of course it should. As should New York.

You will never retire, in part because America's existing pension system is crazy quilt of various empty bank accounts full of lies and IOUs. Does a better pension system actually exist? Yes, it does.

Just across town from a shady, possibly Russian-funded photo exhibit in Chelsea sits "Peacemaker Putin," a shady, possibly Russian-funded t-shirt shop in Gramercy, hawking shirts with slogans like "From Russia with Love" and "Make Peace Not War." Julius Kacinskis, the American-born owner, insists he's just mad about Vlad.

The fates—and our readers—have spoken. The semifinals for America's Ugliest Accent are here. Who's left? Two New England powerhouses, and two perennial contenders from the great state of Pennsylvania. Boston vs. Pittsburgh and Scranton vs. Providence: It's time to vote.

You don't need to know much about jazz to enjoy the new, much-buzzed-about movie Whiplash. You only need to think you want to be an artist. Which everyone in America, or at least New York, does, of course.

Penelope Cruz, breasts on radiant display, covers the November issue of Esquire, the storied magazine for men who wear statement socks. She is, for the moment, the Sexiest Woman Alive. But the article about her, by two-time National Magazine Award-winning journalist and Deadspin Good Writering Award winner Chris Jones, is not really about her. She evidently didn't feel like talking much.

Two people who recently travelled to West Africa have been quarantined in Manhattan's Bellevue Hospital, according to the New York Daily News.

You'd think that after 12 Years a Slave won all those Oscars, slaves are over. But you'd be thinking wrong, says actress and lifestyle guru Blake Lively, whose dogged pursuit of the joie de vivre associated with slavery is such that she chose to be married on a Southern plantation. According to a Lively-styled fashion spread on her lifestyle website Preserve, the hottest lifestyle for fall is the lifestyle of owning human beings without government interference.

Late this morning, @FanSince09, the anonymous Twitter user who last month helped solve an anti-gay hate crime in Philadelphia, appeared on The View for an interview with Rosie O'Donnell.

"The Snappening," a leak of 200,000 private photos stolen from Snapchat users, happened as promised this weekend, allegedly with the help of the same photo collectors who leaked hundreds of celebrity nudes last month. And the early reviews from horny Redditors are in: Not enough nudes.

I walked into the main atrium of Best Buy Theater like Queen of the Dirtbags, a half-chewed slice of pizza in my waving hand and a vodka soda in my left, dangling down by my hip. Everything smelled like Clinique Happy perfume and ball sweat. For half a second, before crossing the threshold into the venue, I thought, Can I bring pizza in here?