It's Monday, and the world is an unforgiving nightmare, so here's some schadenfreude to lighten your day: at a rally held in France by the often-topless feminist group Femen, a riot gear-clad cop totally beefed while trying apprehend the sprinting horde of bare-chested ladies.

Before Russell Brand started a YouTube news show and wrote a book about broken politics, he used to be in movies. It's true! Remember the time they presumably Got Him to the Greek? I kind of do! Anyway, Brand says he's probably not going to do that sort of thing anymore.

Maybe you've seen one of the images on a postcard, or a print on the wall of a sentimental older relative: a person, usually a young child, gazes at you with a cartoonishly melancholy expression. She might be holding a puppy or a kitten, and she definitely has enormous, tearful eyes.

Today's New York Times treats its readers to two whole articles about Facebook's News Feed (capital letters because it's a brand name). One, by Ravi Somaiya, focuses in part on the 26-year-old engineer who runs the News Feed team; the other, by David Carr, examines Facebook's pitch to publishers: Let us host your content, and also, uh, serve ads against it.

As news broke of the Jian Ghomeshi's firing from the CBC amid sexual misconduct allegations, I found my Canadian self inundated with questions like, "who the hell is that," and "why are people freaking out"? Because Gawker lives to serve, here's some Canadiansplaining for you.

A teenager in Spartenburg, South Carolina was arrested on Tuesday for doing what any teen might have done in the face of desperation: Young Karla Farmer stole Rock Hard erection cream, handcuffs, and Deep Throat desensitizing spray from a local mall before getting scooped up by the cops. Teens have to teen.

A new report from an investment firm estimates that legal marijuana sales in the U.S. should reach $21 billion-$35 billion a year by 2020. Meanwhile, the U.S. alcohol industry already has almost $200 billion in annual sales. Get your fucking shit together, weed heads.

Alice Woodruff walked outside to her backyard in Waterbury, Conn. last Tuesday to find her naked neighbor allegedly raping her tied up pit bull.

Young sprite and recent crossover pop artist Taylor Swift has been named the Global Welcome Ambassador for New York City. Swift purchased a $20 million penthouse apartment in New York this April, making her the most appropriate foreign diplomat to represent our glitzy city to the outside world. Put on your dancing shoes!! It's a hell of a town! Bright lights! Skyscrapers! Boiled hot dogs!

After 13 years of a spectacularly destructive and unnecessary "War on Terror" it is disheartening that this must be said, but it's better to say it now, before its legend grows: fear not the "lone wolf." All you have to fear is the myth of terror itself.

An American Airlines flight from LAX to London was delayed for 17 hours after a passenger noticed an available WiFi network named "Al-Quida Free Terror Nettwork" and alerted the plane's crew.

Whiskey finally surpassed vodka this year as the dominant ingredient in America's afterparty vomit. That sounds like good news, because vodka is the world's worst-tasting gin, but it's deceptive. All it really means is that we're drinking more Fireball, that cinnamon-tinged whiskey-in-name-only.

In addition to a place where prison guards beat inmates to death with impunity, Rikers Island is also a place where inmates die from medical mistreatment and their families are lied to about it, DNAinfo reports.

Jim Carrey's spot-on Matthew McConaughey impression was the buried lede from this week's SNL. McConaughey's self-serious Lincoln commercial is old news at this point, but not as old as the recycled Mask and Cable Guy jokes from that unwatchable family reunion sketch.

Did you hear? America's favorite boobs—those belonging to Katy Perry—are performing at the Super Bowl XLVIV Halftime Show. Did you also hear? Taylor Swift, b. 1989, hates those boobs. So naturally, Radar reports, Tayla is gonna destroy the halftime show.

Kaci Hickox, the nurse who returned from Sierra Leone on Friday only to be forced into "inhumane" quarantine in Newark, is now being permitted by New Jersey governor Chris Christie to self-quarantine at her home in Maine. Hickox tested negative for Ebola on Friday.

Americans, who—in general—are not scientists, or even very literate, are nevertheless convinced that they must eat "gluten-free" food in order to, uh, [something about health]. Spoiler: if you think this, you are probably wrong!

On this weekend's Last Week Tonight, John Oliver welcomed renowned chimpanzee expert Jane Goodall to his ongoing series, "Great Minds: People Who Think Good," where he drags famous scientists down to his level and tries to beat them with experience. Several willfully stupid questions later, they agreed on exactly one thing: Poothrow Hitler would be an amazing name for a chimp.

A five-year-old boy who returned from Guinea Saturday night is being tested for Ebola at Bellevue Hospital in Manhattan, according to the New York Post.

"The new treadmill gyms are betting that running in place can become the newest hit among the Lululemon set, enticing people willing to pay $34 or more for a single class." Nah.