Critics of Aaron Sorkin's The Newsroom have bashed both the taste and the timing of this week's subplot involving an alleged rape on a university campus, and "bashed" is a gigantic understatement.

Naturalist Paul Rosolie tried (and failed) to be devoured by an anaconda last night on an anti-climatic episode of the Discovery Channel's Eaten Alive. PETA is mad about it, mostly because they tricked that poor snake!

We're constantly being told that "First" "Lady" Michelle Hussein Obama loves health food. Is that right? Oh really? Is that so? Then why is the famous healthy White House chef fleeing at top speed—hmmm??

Just hold on, we're going to the hospital: every monied jerkoff under the sun was at the annual Art Basel confab in Miami this weekend, and it wasn't all bad sculptures and group sex. New reports say Diddy punched Drake in his beautiful face and sent him to the doctor last night.

Stoners, though an affable bunch, have regrettable taste in just about everything. It's a trope as old as thyme rolled in cigarette paper and sold as a joint, and it's true: the outside world only knows about drug rugs, mushroom posters, and the Disco Biscuits because poor weed-smoking saps actually buy into those things. How are you supposed to get your blazed-out buddies gifts befitting reasonable adult humans this holiday season without totally alienating them?

While Clemson students protested non-indictments in Ferguson and Staten Island on campus this weekend, some frat bros decided to elevate the race discussion by dressing like gang members. Sigma Alpha Epsilon threw a "Clemson Cripmas" theme party Saturday night, which featured a lot of white kids sporting fake tear drop tattoos.

Perhaps you remember Youth Asylum's big late-'90s single "Jasmin." But chances are you don't.

A chlorine gas leak unleashed on a Chicago furry convention over the weekend left 19 hospitalized and one morning news anchor traumatized. The story gave Morning Joe's Mika Brzezinski cause to discover what a "furry" is for the first time, and she simply could not handle it.

Grim-face political celebukid and New York governor Andrew Cuomo has long vowed that he wants to reform the corrupt political cesspool that is Albany. How's that going?

More than 200 firefighters were called to the scene of a seven-story apartment complex fire in downtown Los Angeles early this morning. The complex appears to have been leveled in the blaze, with two other buildings damaged and the 101 Freeway briefly closed off to traffic.

Saturday Night Live almost addressed the situation in Ferguson this weekend, but, like the cheerful morning news anchors in this "cut for time" sketch, they decided they'd rather talk about literally anything else.

"In the wake of nationwide protests over the lack of an indictment for the death of Eric Garner, Walmart is editing a commercial showing a black man saying "I can't breathe" as he's hugged by his daughter."

Are you having a Monday? Here is a video of Sir Elton John falling out of his chair after playing in a charity tennis match:

Leonardio DiCaprio's Best Summer Ever never ended, apparently. The cargo-shorted, "newly single" actor has been living it up in Miami this past week for Art Basel, and on Saturday night, he reportedly took home 20 human women from the club.

So you've probably heard about how some guy—naturalist Paul Rosolie—was planning on having himself be eaten (alive!) by an anaconda on TV. The very special episode of Eaten Alive aired on the Discovery Channel last night, and while Rosolie had to abandon his mission before any part of him was actually devoured, the 15-minute ordeal is sufficiently traumatizing.

An incredibly inept BMW driver got trapped in a snowy parking lot hell of his own making last week. The resulting surveillance video is a profound lesson in expectations—just when you think theres no way this guy is going to get boxed in again, he goes and gets blocked in again.

A Seattle cop who broke a handcuffed woman's eye socket when he punched her in the face "acted professionally," local prosecutors say.

After being held in solitary confinement for more than four months, Washington Post reporter Jason Rezaian was formally charged with "unknown crimes" in a Tehran court today.

A passenger jet landing at London's Heathrow airport had an extremely dangerous near-miss with a drone, investigators say.

Is this screaming giraffe—found at "a knockoff toy store" for just $10—possessed by the Devil as the original uploader suggests? Or is it just so full of holiday cheer it can't help shrieking like a thousand dying banshees?