Jenny Slate is so into her Marcel the Shell character that she's started slipping into his tiny little voice during her everyday life, and occasionally sings cover songs as Marcel just for shiggles. On Conan last night, she busted out a particularly good one: Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide."

What's that you say? Half of all marriages don't end in divorce, as has long been asserted? Divorces are, in fact, declining? No, I really did not need you to tell me that. What I could use, aside from some sympathy and a decoder ring for this parenting plan, are a few new things.

Derby the dog, born with underdeveloped front legs that prevented him from running, was abandoned at a shelter and in danger of being put down, The Dodo reports, but he got a second chance with a foster mom who happened to be a director at a 3D printing firm.

No Christmas presents for grown ups.

According to reports, a group of gunmen suspected to be affiliated with the Islamist group Boko Haram raided a village in northeastern Nigeria last week, killing dozens of people and kidnapping over 100 others.

In addition to confessing in People that he has had "inappropriate sexual conduct" with three underage girls in the past, Stephen Collins explained himself to Katie Couric in a 20/20 episode that will air Friday. "I'm a flawed person," he says in the interview, before invoking Jesus.

The American Kennel Club, Who's Who Division has announced plans to acknowledge the existence of three new types of dog, as well as what appears to be a mop with ears. One hunts rabbit, one fishes, and I'm pretty sure one smokes weed—here they are, the pure-bred class of 2014.

Looks like Sony isn't the only entertainment company self-censoring—according to reports, a green-lit Steve Carell-anchored thriller was indefinitely shelved, thanks entirely to the film's North Korea-centric plot.

The owners and operators of a chemical company that dumped 10,000 gallons of toxic chemicals into a West Virginia river last year are one step closer to facing a judge and jury of their very unhappy peers.

"Someone killed 12 people and shot another 70 people at the opening night of Batman: The Dark Knight. They kept that movie in the theaters. You issue an anonymous cyber threat that you did not have the capability to carry out? We pulled a movie from 18,000 theaters," cybersecurity expert Peter W. Singer says of Sony's spineless response in an interview with Vice.

Administrators at a Kansas elementary school tried to punish a blind eight-year-old by replacing his cane with a foam pool noodle after he allegedly misbehaved on the school bus.

Despite what you may have heard, some guy distracted by a passing hottie didn't just slip off a treadmill into a pushup position while someone coincidentally happened to be filming inside the gym.

U.S. officials have confirmed that North Korea was "centrally involved" in the Sony hack, according to reports in the New York Times, CNN, CBS News, and NBC News. The confirmation comes just hours after Sony canceled the release of The Interview, the James Franco-Seth Rogen comedy rumored to have triggered the cyberattack, over vague threats to cinemas scheduled to show the movie.

Terrence Pendergrass, a former Rikers Island captain who allegedly refused to help a dying mentally ill inmate who had eaten a toxic ball of cleaning powder, was found guilty of a federal civil rights charge today. As the New York Times notes, Pendergrass is the first Rikers official to be charged for a civil rights violation in over 10 years.

This week marked the 27th birthday of Chelsea Manning, the U.S. military whistleblower who currently sits in prison for leaking material to Wikileaks. Here are some birthday wishes for her from people who have spent time in similar circumstances.

American icon A Handle of Fireball Strapped to a GoPro was the most popular guest at a debauched wedding earlier this year, and now guess who's coming to Christmas? That's correct, it is A Handle of Fireball Strapped to a GoPro. Deck the halls with mounds of vomit.

Cyclist Silas Patlove, who documented the 30-MPH crash above via helmet cam, wrote on YouTube that he survived the ordeal with only "a mild concussion with a bit of memory loss around the event." If only the same could be said of the other guy.

"I can't breathe," the last words Eric Garner spoke before he died of an NYPD-delivered chokehold, have been adopted as a powerful statement against police brutality and institutional racism. But one cop/uniform company owner prefers a different slogan, one that reassures you you'll be able to keep breathing as long as you don't cross a police officer.

Today the New York Times published an incredible, and incredibly detailed, account of unrestrained favor-trading within the Obama administration. In a nut: The president’s cabinet, including the State Department under Hillary Clinton, suspended travel bans placed on certain Ecuadorian nationals who committed fraud (and worse) after those nationals’ family members pledged five- and six-figures sums to Democratic organizations.

We finally have an official decree from America's royal family on the matter of one Miley Cyrus dating and partying at Art Basel with 21-year-old sort-of Kennedy Patrick Schwarzenegger. The formal word came from Rory Kennedy, daughter of the late Bobby Kennedy and first cousin of Patrick's mother, Maria Shriver.