Nicholas Sparks once wrote, "I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours." But that was in a book. In real life, he and his wife of 25 years have separated.

An adorable, sad little Shar-pei mix named Kai was found tied to a railing inside a Scottish train station last Friday, along with a suitcase packed with all his worldly possessions: A pillow, a toy, and a food bowl with some food. The Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is searching for the owner who abandoned him.

The darling, precious season premiere of MasterChef Junior, one of the top five television shows about children wielding sharp knives, turned darling, precious, and bloody when one of the tiny chefs experienced the show's first-ever cute li'l slicing accident. There was blood everywhere.

Thigh gap. Why?

A harrowing story from San Francisco: Matthew Hoffman, a 32-year-old man who was killed after pulling out an altered airsoft gun in front of police, left a suicide note on his phone for the officers who shot him: "Please, don't blame yourself. I used you. I took advantage of you."

"Manhattan apartment prices jumped to the highest point since their 2008 peak as buyers competed for a limited supply of homes... Price gains are accelerating as demand from domestic and international buyers alike outpaces the number of properties for sale."

In 2015 I have resolved to spend my nights as I wish: with a Patricia Cornwell book in my lap and an episode of Law and Order: SVU playing in the background. The combination of these two art pieces is like a natural Xanax for me. I won't speculate as to what this means.

Ice longa, vita brevis.

Billionaire hedge fund manager Bill Ackman had a very good year last year. In fact, he ran the single best-performing hedge fund of 2014. He made a lot of money. Why is he such a crybaby?

The Daily Show is back, providing a palliative balm for the lingering itch where the Colbert Report used to be. But poor Jon Stewart has returned to 2015 only to find the news cycle has already moved on to 2016 (or backward to 1992) with a Clinton vs. Bush race for the White House. Better endorse someone!

Two NYPD officers were shot responding to a robbery near Fordham University in the Bronx late Monday night. The suspected shooter and an accomplice are reportedly at large.

It finally happened—Sk8er boi Benji Madden made an honest woman out of unmarried celebrity Cameron Diaz Monday night in a tent full of other married celebrities like Drew Barrymore, Nicole Richie and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Margaret McCollom, the hospitalized wife of Peachtree City police chief William McCollom, recovered enough to speak with investigators Monday, saying that although she was asleep when her husband shot her, she believes it was an accident.

Dustin Diamond posted bail, but he's not going very far—a judge ruled Monday that he'll have to stand trial after allegedly stabbing a man with a switchblade over the holidays.

Famous attorney and former Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz categorically denied allegations that he had sex with an underage prostitute Monday, calling the woman a "serial liar, serial prostitute."

America's genetic dream child has been born, but neither its name nor gender have been revealed. Taking into consideration its parents' aesthetic, here are the Baby Name Critic's guesses as to what the tot might have been named. Please feel free to post your own guesses in the comments section below. Blessings to all.

Hmmm, what have we here? It seems that my enemy Blake Lively has given birth to her child—a human child, suggests the New York Post, though no supporting information such as name, sex, or explicit confirmation that is in fact a human child, was furnished alongside its exclusive scoop.

The 30-year-old man who allegedly shot and killed his hedge fund manager father Sunday afternoon reportedly did so after an argument over a small cut in his monthly allowance. The New York Post reports that Thomas Gilbert Jr. murdered his father Thomas Gillbert Sr. after learning that his allowance had been reduced by $200; the New York Daily News puts the number at $100.

An Ole Miss football fan, apparently sorrowfully tired and perhaps a bit blotto after the team's loss to Texas Christian University in the Peach Bowl last week, decided to call Uber, the official car service of Capitalism™, for a ride home from the game. No big deal, except that the game was in Atlanta, and this Ole Miss fan lived in, as you might expect, Mississippi. He woke up to find he'd paid Uber $908 for the lift to his bed.

Sharyl Attkisson is the investigative reporter who believes the Obama administration hacked her personal computers because she reported on the 2012 attacks in Benghazi. Today she announced her family’s $35 million lawsuit against the federal government for the alleged hacking.