It looks like Wyclef Jean and Damon Dash will have lots to chat about the next time they get together. The former Fugees star's mansion in Miami Beach has gone into foreclosure and is set to be auctioned off in three weeks. (Dash's own apartment troubles were revealed in August.) Palm Beach Post gossip columnist Jose Lambiet reports that Wyclef and several partners took out a $2 million mortgage in 2004 to purchase a canal-front estate next door to Anthony Shriver, the brother of Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger. He later embarked on a massive renovation of the property, but never ended up paying off more than $177,000 in construction costs, leading to the first in a series of liens and fines and leaving the home unfinished for more than two years. (Perhaps Wyclef should have been counting his pennies and not investing in his porn collection?) Court documents now show that Wyclef and his partners owe the bank $2.4 million, and the home is scheduled to be auctioned off on December 12th. A photo of the half-finished manse after the jump!

With a pro-gay marriage governor in Albany, Democrats suddenly taking control of the entire New York state legislature, a liberal Democratic president, and Democratic majorities in both houses of congress, one might think this would be a good moment for the gays! One would be wrong. First, Governor Paterson backed off from supporting a gay marriage vote, partly because a bunch of Democratic Senators went rogue, and partly because of The Economy. The Economy is bad, so no gay marriage! Well. Now, President Barack Obama is putting the brakes on his crazy plan to end discrimination in the military. Because there is not "consensus." Obama did kinda promise to end "Don't Ask Don't Tell," the old Clinton compromise, while he was campaigning. Now that he's won, he knows that governing requires not doing what is ethically right but politically difficult. Or at least holding off on doing it. So, gays, look for your right to die for your country to be granted some time in 2010, as long as a special Pentagon committee and the Joint Chiefs of Staff all agree that your serving in uniform won't make the uniform all faggy and gross.

[Supermodel Heidi Klum filming a commercial in Los Angeles yesterday; image via INF] bringmemyTofu's new line beats the original, "Oh Dear, Get Me A Blanket. I've Prettied Myself Again."

Yesterday you guys were pretty torn about the gold digger who's leaving her man now that the money is gone. Someone said Granny and Jed Clampett, which was funny. Ah well. Today we have an actress on a two month long coke bender, a gay singer who had some too-rough sex overseas, a paparazzi hungry actress, and a celeb who's going to giver her baby the craziest name ever. 1) "Which US actress has been trying to mend her recently broken heart with a two-month cocaine bender? Her entourage fear constant sniffing and weight-loss will lead to grief." [Mirror] 2) "This openly gay singer has spent some time overseas. When I say overseas, I mean not in his home country wherever that may be. Anyway, it turns out that our singer got into some trouble recently. Not the kind of trouble you would expect, but more of the, "crap this is going to cost me big." Our singer has always had a bit of a violent streak when it comes to his sex life. He knows this and only participates with people who are aware of it and can handle it. Never been a problem until now. Seems that while overseas he took a liking to someone who was ill prepared for the experience and ended up in the hospital for several days. The person he took a liking too was barely legal. Hell, might not have even been legal. It took a massive monetary bribe to make his parents go away, and not press charges. It took another massive bribe to keep the one of the local papers from printing the story. Look for our singer to be playing a birthday party really really soon." [CDaN] 3) "Which now-pregnant celebrity is determined to give her baby the most talked-about baby name ever? The father wants the baby to have a normal name like his, and is furious that she is determined to give the baby a really stupid name simply for the attention it will generate. He should not be surprised, though, given that she spends a lot of time thinking up new ways to get press. The most recent iteration of the name consists of something you would buy from your butcher plus the town where they believe the baby was conceived. No, it’s not Prime Rib Pittsburgh, although that would actually be an improvement over the one she wants." [BlindGossip] 4) "This celebrity couple is breaking up, but not for the reasons that you will read. The truth is that she isn’t getting the attention she craves - from the paparazzi. The couple was photographed constantly in the beginning of their relationship, but attention has since waned, and thus her interest in the guy. She even considered having a baby to generate more attention, but instead decided to ditch him and start fresh. Her next beau - who has already been selected - will be someone who will generate that photo op buzz to which she is addicted. Her big decision now is whether to roll out the new guy now, or to wait until after New Year’s to take advantage of the slower news cycle. Yes, she is that calculating." [BlindGossip]

Hey ladies: how'd you like to meet a guy with $700 billion in his pocket, a gleaming bald pate, and a memory full of Bernie Kosar quotes? Sexy is spelled N-E-E-L! Last name Kashkari! Our favorite steely-eyed Treasury Dept. appointee and Congressional chew toy is on People's list of Sexiest Men Alive—actually he's on the backup list, "Sexy A-Z." Even People couldn't get anything other than the same fucking straight-ahead staring pose that he's been using forever. Neel, how about frolicking merrily on a pile of $100 bills instead? Is our Republican financial overlord really as sexy as dance studio owner Maksim Chmerkovskiy? Click through for Neel's close-up and decide for yourself!

We've noted before how much Hollywood loves to destroy New York. But only the stuff of special effects, right? Well, no: Discovery tells us the wall of water smashing through Manhattan in Deep Impact may be closer to a nature documentary than you'd think. There's evidence that a tsunami slammed New York City over two thousand years ago and they suspect the giant wave might have been caused by an asteroid crashing into the ocean. They can't find the "smoking gun" yet—the crater. They looking for it off the coastline of New Jersey, where all weird things are located. Below, a reminder of what this might have looked like.

It's being alleged that among the obvious triggers of unhappiness—money problems, illness, getting your heart broken—there's an activity common to nearly all of us. We've grown up with it, turned to it when we're feeling anxious or insecure, used it to oil the wheels of social interactions, and basically understood it to be the glue that holds our society together. Yet we're now being told that television might (it feels sacriligious to even say it!) be making us unhappy.

The situation at Citigroup turns bleaker by the minute. Shares have fallen below $4, the bank's CEO, Vikram Pandit, is busy reassuring employees that the bank will not be broken into pieces, and there have even been rumors that Pandit himself may be forced out. One sign that doesn't bode well for Pandit: The financial press has stopped spelling his name correctly. [Bloomberg, Dealbreaker]

Former Time Inc. drones tired of their company's massive layoffs are fighting back. In email form! Susan Haynes, a former editor at Coastal Living, struck back at the parent company for slashing jobs at all of the titles in its Southern Progress division (which sounds like the name some 1965 white civil rights group, but that is not pertinent). We're willing to bet Haynes' "scathing memo" was laughed off by the bosses, right up until it landed in the New York Post this morning [UPDATE: the full emails are now pasted below]: Besides saying that Sylvia Auton, the head of Time Inc.'s lifestyle group, is horrible at her job, Haynes said this in an email to the top Time Inc. bosses:

♦ Nicolas Cage put his 48th-floor condo at the Olympic Tower on the market for $9.75 million last week, then "temporarily" took it off the market a few days later. (The 3,550-square-foot, three-bedroom space is comprised of two apartments that Cage bought for $5.5 million in 2004 and 2005.) But he's also reportedly trying to sell his other homes in California and Rhode Island. [WSJ]
♦ Real estate heiress Caroline Cumming's massive townhouse at 11 Spring Street went on the market with Corcoran's Robby Browne two months ago for $39.8 million. She's since changed brokers and lowered the price. The property is now listed with the Core Group for $36.5 million. [NYO, CORE]
♦ Margo Alexander, the former head of UBS Global Asset Management and now chair of the Acumen Fund, has paid $4.05 million for a two-bedroom, 10th-floor apartment at 15 Madison Square North. [Cityfile]

Clips of Diane Sawyer's interview with Ashley Dupre were aired earlier on Good Morning America. You'll have to wait until tonight to see the entire thing (assuming you still care about any of this), but click through if you'd like to see her explain how she had no idea that she was sleeping with the governor. ("He looked familiar. But I was 22 years old. I wasn't reading the papers, I was so involved in my life and I was so selfish and caught up in my life and I didn't know who he was.") And you can totally feel the geniune, heartfelt emotion when she talks about watching Silda Spitzer stand by her husband's side during his resignation speech: "I felt connected to her. I didn't feel connected to him. Her pain. And I just saw the pain in her eyes." The clip is after the jump.

Silda Wall Spitzer's father-in-law will appear in court today and the prostitute who destroyed her husband's career will be all over TV this weekend now that her interview with Diane Sawyer will air tonight on 20/20. What has the wife of the former governor been up to recently, you ask? She hasn't exactly been in hiding. Yesterday, David Patrick Columbia hosted a luncheon at the 21 Club with Silda and a bunch of socialites to drum up support for Silda's non-profit group, Children For Children. And despite everything that's going on, she's doing just fine. "The Spitzer family is together and riding the waves we call life," reports Columbia. [NYSD]

It really is about time psychologists gave a name to whatever personality disorder Angelina Jolie suffers from, because "narcissistic control freak with a Mother Teresa complex" (see also: Princess Diana, Mia Farrow) is a bit of a mouthful. Anyway, Angie must have pissed off someone at the Times, because today the paper does a mild hatchet job on her, raking over various details that we already knew: She micro-manages all aspects of her tabloid interviews especially her coverage in People; she supposedly doesn't employ a publicist or agent; she and Brad make a big song and dance about giving the proceeds of their media deals to charity, but only a small slice seems to reach the beneficiaries; and, most importantly, when that bitch Jennifer Aniston is winning the hearts and minds of US Weekly readers, all Ang has to is don a headscarf, be photographed helping the tragedy-stricken in a third world country, and she's back in the game.

Tina Brown's party earlier this week to celebrate the launch of her new site, The Daily Beast, could have just as easily served as an early birthday bash: The famed editor turns 55 today. Indie film powerhouse Christine Vachon is turning 46. Bjork is 43. Goldie Hawn is 63. Publicist Mara Buxbaum is 41. Retired football player Michael Strahan is celebrating his 37th. Actress Cherry Jones is 52. Real estate developer Daniel Brodsky is 44. Norman Siegel, civil rights lawyer and perennial candidate for public office, is 65. Congresswoman Yvette Clark is 44. Nicollette Sheridan is 45. And actress Marlo Thomas is 71. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

♦ Guy Ritchie and Madonna's marriage came to an official end in the High Court of London courtroom this morning. Neither "Ciccone ML" or "Ritchie GS" actually showed up in person for the proceedings, but Madonna had drinks with ex-husband Sean Penn on Wednesday night, possibly as part of an early celebration. [People, The Sun, P6]
♦ The longest pregnancy in history is finally over: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz welcomed a son named Bronx Mowgli Wentz into the world last night. Yes, that's Bronx Mowgli. [People]
♦ According to The Sun, Michael Jackson has converted to Islam and has changed his name to "Mikaeel." [The Sun]

• Michael Jackson is a secret Muslim who is actually called Mikaeel, meaning angel of Allah, after the pop star rejected the name "Mustafa," which means chosen one. In a few days Jackson will appear in London court, where an Arab sheikh is suing him for seriously breaching a multi-million-dollar contract. Related? Who knows. The headline? "The Way You Mecca Me Feel." [Sun]

Barristers in England are calling Guy Ritchie's freshly-minted breakup settlement with superstar wife Madonna a "model divorce." But cynics could just as easily call it a model victory for aggressive flackery: It was Madonna, according to some gossipy press reports, who initiated and most viciously perpetuated the post-split war of words with her husband; witness her public declaration her husband was "emotionally retarded." If Madonna's objective was to bully Ritchie into a fast divorce — and thus into relinquishing any claim on the singer's $450 million fortune, ten times his hoard — it worked. Ritchie is said accepting not a penny of Madonna's cash, telling the Mirror, "Thank God" it's all over. Madonna promptly got her drink on, said Page Six:

♦ With shares down 26 percent yesterday, Citigroup is now weighing all of its options, including possible selling the firm. The board meets today to discuss the " range of scenarios that were unthinkable only weeks ago." [WSJ]
♦ The market bounced back in early trading after historic sell-offs in recent days. [MW]
♦ Hedge funds contracted by 9 percent in October, the lowest level in two years. [Bloomberg]
♦ A bailout of the auto industry won't be taking place just yet. Talks between Detroit and Washington collapsed with lawmakers saying the industry lacked credible plans to return to profitability. [WSJ]
♦ The city's securities industry shed about 16,000 employees in October. [DB]

Starlets, you never learn, probably because you're not paying attention, probably because you're always as strung out as Twilight star Kristen Stewart looked last night on the Late Show: You must come on David Letterman's program caffeinated and at least attempt to say several interesting things. Mary-Kate Olsen's "so tired" complaint bombed; Lauren Conrad got entertainingly insulted for being otherwise boring. This is the price from promoting (usually vapid) movies from the Late Show couch. Stewart's appearance is one for the protocelebrity textbooks; an epic trainwreck progressing (in the clip after the jump) from severe awkwardness into mild nastiness and, at the very end, a devastating cut spun from precious, precious terrible awful comedy gold.

Alberto Gonzalez's replacement at the Justice Department, Michael Mukasey, stuttered and slurred his words before collapsing during a speech at the conservative Federalist Society Thursday night. The attorney general soon regained consciousness and is said to be "in good spirits," though Justice declined to comment on fears he suffered a stroke. The dramatic footage, caught by several different cameras, will no doubt be replayed frequently Friday — and given far more airtime than the thorny but tough-to-dramatize questions on surveillance, interrogation, political patronage and corporate fraud that Justice regularly grapples with. Video after the jump.