When we awoke this morning to discover California hadn't yet crashed into the sea, we had little choice but to acknowledge that the culturally cataclysmic worst was behind us. Another profound symbol of recovery arrived shortly thereafter, when we heard that Harvey Weinstein actually paid tribute to exiled Reader producer Scott Rudin at the film's premiere Wednesday night.
Hey, why all the layoffs this week? Please don't say "It's the economy, stupid." That's really annoying. Of course it is the economy, but this week has been bad even by the standards of the last three months. Because it has special qualities! Qualities that, unfortunately, conspired to screw thousands of people out of employment. After the jump, we'll have a little review of the most recent bad news, and explain why everybody got executed just after they finished their last Thanksgiving leftovers.
William Cohan, the banker-turned-author who published The Last Tycoons: The Secret History of Lazard Freres & Co. last year, has a few details on just how much Bruce Wasserstein's investment banking firm is making off the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers. For advising Bryan Marsal, the turnaround guru who is now running what's left of Lehman, Lazard is collecting $400,000 a month for the next two years (and then $150,000 a month thereafter). But there's more: Lazard is also getting a $5 million fee for the week's worth of work it did in September advising Lehman on the sale of its headquarters at 750 Seventh Avenue to Barclays. Wasserstein is also expected to receive another $5 million for its efforts to sell Lehman's investment-management businesses, including Neuberger Berman. And there's good reason to assume that Wasserstein is sitting back right now smiling at his current circumstances, says Cohan:
When Radio Station Photo-Op Ideas Go Wrong: David Archuleta Glimpses Horrifying Vision of His Possible, Justin Guariniesque Future Edition! Someone at Oakland's KHOP 95.1 FM thought it would be a good idea to have Archie work the Drive-Thru/sign autographs at fourth-tier fast food franchise Del Taco (seriously, they couldn't trade him up to a Quiznos or something?), which the preternaturally upbeat, tweensy Idol phenomenon smiled through without complaint. (His father was just out of camera range, barking, "Goddamit the blue Tercel said NO sour cream. Get in the GAME, son.") Enjoy a gallery of photos here, including one of Archuleta sweetly taking the time to sign the back of Pugsley Addams's T-shirt. [ONTD]
Um. Entertainment Weekly has yet another click-heavy pageview generator list-gallery on their website today, this one called the "25 Smartest People in TV." And there, at number 25, are the ladies from The View. Yes, The View. The shrieking, blubbering, facticide lady chat show that features the estimable talents of Sherri "The World is Flat" Shepherd and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who once threw Rosie O'Donnell in a pond to see if she would float, like a witch. (She did).
It may be time to put a cork in Silicon Valley's most famous law firm. Wilson Sonsini is no longer celebrating its new attorneys with champagne. That trimmed perk is just the beginning of its woes.
♦ Today marks the 75th anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition. Here's a look at some of the city's former speakeasies. [NewYorkology]
♦ Noah Tepperberg says he plans to move ahead with his new lounge, despite not getting Community Board approval. [GS]
♦ Changing seasons: Park Avenue Winter has arrived. [Eater]
♦ Mayor Bloomberg usually treats reporters to a holiday meal at Gracie Mansion. This year it costs $45 and it's at Chinatown's Golden Unicorn. [P6]
♦ Tips on how to gain access to the "secret" bar below Little Branch. [DBTH]
♦ Anita Lo shows off the new interiors at Bar Q. [GS]
♦ Fans of Padma Lakshmi: She'll be at the Whole Foods Bowery tomorrow. [GS]
As a special end-of-the-week treat for you, we have this video of If I Did It author O.J. Simpson being sentenced in the Armed Sports-Memorabilia-Recovering Trial of the Century. Watch, as Judge Jackie Glass—whose name is temporarily on loan from the Museum of Blaxsploitation Cinema in Las Vegas, NV—first takes an especially delicious sip from a drinking straw before delivering the news. ("So, Mr. Simpson, the court has found as follows: Slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. Slurrrrrp. Slrrrrr. Sl. Slll. Sl. OK, where was I? Oh right, your sentence...") A little later you might notice Simpson glance down, perhaps to read the "YOU'RE FUCKED. SORRY!" note his lawyer had just scribbled on a legal pad. [CNN]
In lieu of next week's (we're guessing) inevitable headline "Everybody Everywhere Laid Off," we'll continue to bring the grim news piecemeal, as it terribly unfolds. Today it's art! The market for fancy paintings and stuff has been crap lately, as, really, the arts are always the first thing to go when everyone's broke. Sotheby's and Christie's, our premierest and poshest auction houses, both announced today that layoffs and salary cuts are imminent.
From her web startup's newsletter, GOOP: "FOR HIM: Barneys New York Cashmere Socks; $45.00. Cashmere for under fifty dollars. Nothing more to say."
Flaccid Rankings: In an attempt to rebut the cruel patriarchy of Mr. Skin's women-only list of the year's top nude scenes, The Frisky has published their own Top 10, detailing the best bare men of the year. As a commentary on this year's slim male pickings, two of the winners went nothing more than shirtless, one was onstage, and the winner was Jason Segel from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Alas, The Reader continued its nude scene shutout. Old Harvey would have gotten Kate Winslet on this list somehow, even without a penis! The full list, after the jump:
Confidential to Liz Smith: We're thinking it probably isn't the best idea to start off any of your FoxNews.com video segments by describing the New York Times as "staid" and "old." Sure, the Times was founded way back in 1851, but that means it's just 72 years older than you are. Click on the video to see the clip for yourself.
Our long national nightmare of not seeing justice done in one high-profile crime is over! OJ Simpson was just sentenced, and now journalists across the nation are trying to figure out all the fancy law talk to see just how much time OJ will spend in jail. The judge was very disappointed in the Juice, even though he was very very sorry, and OJ will be in jail for 5 6 years before he can make parole. The full sentence is 15, we think, though hopefully the AP or someone will let us correct that soon (oh hey). This means the world will finally get closure on a 14-year-old circus. We finally get to see OJ in prison! We never thought we'd see the day!
Have 'Em In Bed by Midnight: The one morning we don't listen to Ryan Seacrest's show, look at what we miss: Pussycat Dolls Celebrity Child Daycare is officially ready for business! And they didn't waste any time courting their first client. "We can babysit Britney Spears' kids!" said lead Doll Nicole Scherzinger, whose combo will open for Spears on her upcoming tour. Surely both parties couldn't ask for a better deal, with young Sean and Jayden Federline getting the tender pop-burlesque nanny care that has long eluded them, and the gaze of the boys' innocent eyes helping the Dolls endure the nightly pain of backstage Brazilian waxes. Win-win! [RyanSeacrest.com]
Andre Balazs' long-awaited Standard NYC is opening its doors beginning on December 10th with rooms starting out at just $195 a night. The catch? Construction on the hotel hasn't been completed as of yet, so guests will probably have to dodge a bit of dust and debris for the first few weeks. Oh, and room service won't be available when the hotel opens, although Balazs promises that "guests will receive an in-room binder consisting of our favorite local restaurants which will provide delivery service." At least tourists can be grateful that the Standard won't be slipping them under their doors.
Newsday, the Long Island paper that was bought by Cablevision for $680 million earlier this year in one of the worst-timed (and most unpopular) media purchases in recent memory, is unsurprisingly being forced to lay people off. The paper is cutting 100 jobs, about 5% of its total workforce. Details of the cuts, in that inimitable corporate internal layoff memo style, below:
This year's Halloween festivities were made more terrifying than ever with the introduction of the printable Grazerhead mask, sending an army of superproducing ghouls down the streets of L.A. in search of delicious, Nobel Laureate-worthy brains on which to feed. Indeed, Grazerhead has given us so much, and asked so little in return, that it dawned on us recently that we might have taken it a little for granted. Surely it didn't just appear fully formed on the horizon, like some caveman-stupefying monolith built by an unseen extraterrestrial species. To be even more specific, what of the spiky outcroppings that line its crown, like the thorny needles of some exotic flora? Or, to put it more plainly, what's with the hair, dude?
Former Buffalo Bills star running back O.J. Simpson has been out of the spotlight since retiring from football in 1979 (he's been playing a lot of golf), but fans of "The Juice" will be saddened to hear that he's run afoul of the law. Apparently Simpson was involved in a bit of armed robbery last year, taking back his own memorabilia from some questionable characters with the help of his trusty gun. So. He's been convicted of criminal conspiracy, kidnapping, assault, robbery, and using a deadly weapon. It's sentencing day! Simpson faces between 6 years and life in prison. Click for video of him being very, very sorry. We'll let you know what the sentence is shortly.
Sarah Palin is a lot like that Simpsons Halloween episode where the advertising characters terrorize Springfield: if we stop paying attention to her, she can't hurt us. But no one's able to let her go. Neither the liberals who are alternately amused by and horrified of her and the conservatives split between idolizing and reviling her can let her just go back to Alaska in peace. The Times is still looking into the clothes thing. Olbermann still replays every public statement she makes every night while demanding to know why people still pay her mind. And guess who's still obsessed with her magical pregnancy?
