New York and Cleveland are at war! Well, according to one theatre exec who recently said, when talking about New York theatre audiences, “We’re horrible snobs. We hate tourists from Cleveland." Clevelanders are angry!

A statement sent to Defamer purports to offer an apology from Lorne Michaels, who regrets equating NY governor David Paterson's blindness to garden-variety retardation last week on SNL. But wait, says NBC: He's not sorry!

The spectacle of ordinary people coping with extraordinary forces runs throughout the cinematic work of Steven Spielberg. And now Spielberg himself is dealing with an unexpected crisis: A credit drought that could kill his studio.

Breaking: The student revolutionaries currently occupying the New School's Faculty building have triumphed over the Fascist security guards, winning a meaningless victory! And they have issued a "Communique" from inside the occupied territory:

We thought a fun way to keep track of where celebrities stand on the impending SAG strike would be with some printable holiday greeting cards!

Remember back in the good old days of journalism, when reporters lived like veritable kings? Me neither. But we know those days existed, because now everyone who lived through them is getting nostalgic:

Would you like to buy the actual Ikea beds from the Real World Brooklyn? The reality stars might have, you know, done it in said beds. Now you can. STD screening not included.

We paid a visit to Bernie Madoff's Manhattan apartment last night (or at least the Chinese food deliveryman we sent over did). But what about the houses in Palm Beach and Montauk? On the left, you'll see Madoff's digs in Florida. The photo on the right is of his beachfront home on Long Island. Brokers interested in offering up these homes on Madoff's behalf can reach out to the man who will be charging Madoff $750 an hour for the next four years or so, Ira Sorkin.

Not a day goes by that Jennifer Aniston fails to remind us that she was naked in GQ this month (but can she wrest December's nudity crown back from usurper Scott Caan?).

Paul Weyrich, the inventor of the "moral majority," hateful bastard, unpleasant bigot, and influential conservative, died today at 66.

As if life wasn't challenging enough with the looming threat of grinding poverty, no Gossip Girl until January, and Kate Winslet starring in two holiday movies, now women everywhere are faced with the mother of all conundrums: Get an "edgy pixie haircut," thus obeying the laws of style but repelling all male attention, or ignore the trend and consign yourself to fashion loserdom while remaining a sex object? Short hair, you see, is "like sending a nonverbal message that you're not interested in sex," counsels "dating guru" Matt Titus, author of Why Hasn't He Called? Wow, knowing that, it's all the more admirable how Winona Ryder has still managed to sleep with every single indie musician in North America and a few in Europe.

Throughout the morning we've been receiving URGENT REPORTS of DIRECT ACTION by STUDENT ACTIVISTS at fancy NYC college New School. They've taken over a building! POLICE CLASHES and EXCESSIVE FORCE! Join the struggle:

Bill Clinton finally came clean today and posted a list of the more than 200,000 people who have donated to his foundation over the years. Unfortunately, putting the information on his website—after declining to do so for so long now—probably explains why the Clinton Foundation website is now down. Try again later, scandal-seeking Republicans! [NYT]

If ever David Mamet had justification to launch one of his famous, profanity-studded tirades, the news that Jeremy Piven had abruptly (and weirdly) quit his play Speed-the-Plow would certainly seem to fit the bill.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is sick with a cold and she is famous. Therefore she can go on the Tonight Show, blow boogies into a tissue, and then sell it on eBay for money.

Social queen Tinsley Mortimer was kind enough to scan the profile of her in the December issue of Palm Beach Illustrated and send it over to Park Avenue Peerage. And what do you know? According to the glossy mag, Tinz is just now stepping "into the spotlight" and taking "the world by storm," a phenomenon you're welcome to attribute to her "brains, beauty and exquisite taste." But there's so much more! Did you know, for example, she grew up in the biggest house in her "part of the state" of Virginia? That she was a nationally-ranked tennis player in her teens? Were you aware that she was actually really shy up until just a few years ago when she came out of her shell?

["Disturbing Behavior" actress Katie Holmes out and about in NYC today (her 30th bday!!!!!!!!); image via Splash]

The Screen Actors Guild took its finger off the nuke button long enough to select 2008 awards nominations, while the Academy narrowed its Best Song candidates to a modest 49.

Are you ready for MASS NANNY/MAID LAYOFFS? We're sure that Manhattan nanny Yvette is touched that her former employers are reaching out to the good people of Craigslist to help her find a new job.

Professional loser Mark Penn—the strategist who can tell you exactly how to become disliked by each individual microsegment of the population—has a new book ad WSJ column. Let's talk about how stupid it is: