[Actress Kirsten Dunst out in that California place they've got over there; image via WENN]

Today we have a too-helpful TV exec, a lecherous media mogul, a druggie TV show, and a secretly gay anti-gay-marriage pastor.

Good news for Italian fashion mogul Valentino! Although London's Evening Standard reported yesterday that the golden-hued designer had been a victim of Bernie Madoff's $50 billion Ponzi scheme, Valentino's reps have denied the account to WWD: "A spokeswoman for Valentino said Wednesday that neither the designer nor his longtime business partner Giancarlo Giammetti has any links whatsoever to Bernard Madoff." [WWD]

Sad struggling businessmen can no longer afford to spend thousands on strippers at Scores. Instead, they're spending hundreds to have an ex-stripper from Scores hypnotize them. For business success! Really now:

When future historians look back on the late aughts, this period will undoubtedly be viewed as the dark night of our country's soul, a time when security was suddenly stripped away, faith in the church of capitalism was eroded, and, perhaps most hellishly symbolic of all, mustaches again became socially acceptable. Yes, hairy top lips have been bubbling under for a few years, but now the Times' David Colman has given the trend his imprimatur with a lengthy analysis on the subject, so we can't cling to denial any longer. Still, at least the article, in raking over the mustache's inglorious past, resists mentioning the most frighteningly evil 'tache-wearer who ever lived. Dov Charney, however, is quoted.

As Page Six reported this morning, Nevan Donahue, the sexually ambigious regular on The City whose big claim to fame in life is that he's Olivia Palermo's cousin, was arrested for soliciting a prostitute in Palm Beach in 2007. Click on the photo to see his mugshot and booking sheet. And keep in mind that there's still a warrant out for his arrest, so if you spot him out and you feel like taking justice into your own hands and snapping cuffs around his wrists, you can be assured the gratitude of the Palm Beach Police Department. [HuffPo]

• Marquis Jets co-founder Jesse Itzler and his wife, Spanx CEO Sara Blakely, have closed on the sale of their 14th-floor pad at 15 Central Park West for $8.7 million. That's a million less than their asking price, but $200,000 more than what they paid for it last March. [Cityfile]
• Leo Tilman, who was Bear Stearns' chief institutional strategist before starting up his own advisory firm, has paid $3.5 million for a condo at Tribeca's 101 Warren Street. [Cityfile]
• Sameer Nath, who heads up M&A for Citigroup in India, paid $4.4 million for a penthouse apartment at 1 River Terrace in Battery Park City. [Cityfile]

To all those critics of Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP, the inane newsletter and website that serves as a repository for Paltrow's infinite wisdom, know this: Gwynnie "feels sorry" for you, since you probably haven't had a life as "blessed" and "unique" as hers. [USA Today]

Producers may be able to use the SECRET results of a second doctor's exam against "mercury" poisoned Jeremy Piven. Also, Oprah is maybe having a SECRET party.

• "There's only so much due diligence you can do," hedge fund manager Arki Busson explained to Bloomberg News when asked how he managed to get suckered by Bernie Madoff. This is especially true when you spend most of your time chasing models and actresses. [BN]
• Bernie Madoff's lawyer says his client will agree to "tightened bail requirements" to stay out of jail. Maybe he could be confined to his bathroom instead of his entire apartment? [BN]
• Bank of America started handing out pink slips yesterday as it plans to cut 35,000 employees following the merger of BofA and Merrill Lynch. [NYP]
• Bill Ackman's Pershing Square lost 12 percent in 2008. [BN]
• The SEC has reopened its investigation into insider trading allegations at Art Samberg's Pequot Capital. [WSJ]
• Wilbur Ross would like to buy a bank if you've got one to sell him. [CNN]

Designer Carolina Herrera turns 70 today. Rock legend David Bowie is celebrating his 62nd. R. Kelly is 42. Baseball players Jason Giambi and Carl Pavano are 38 and 33, respectively. DJ Clue is 34. Sean Paul is turning 36. Wolfgang Puck is turning 60. Former Ford Foundation president Susan Berresford is 66. Composer David Lang is turning 52. And game show host Bob Eubanks is 71.

• One of Martha Stewart's former "prison pals" says she recently approached the domestic diva for help with her medical bills and all she got in return was an autographed photo. So now she's making money the old-fashioned way: She's spilling details on Martha's time behind bars to the National Enquirer. [NE]
• Speed the Plow's backers say they've had Jeremy Piven tested for mercury poisoning by a second doctor, and may sue him if the results come back negative. [NYP]
• Nevan Donahue, Olivia Palermo's annoying cousin and a regular on The City, was busted for trying to pick up a prostitute in Palm Beach in 2007, and has a warrant out for his arrest. [P6]

Capitalizing on Herman Rosenblat's infamy, a small upstate publisher eagerly trumpeted its "serious discussion" to publish Rosenblat's fake memoir as fiction. Or "to pull a Frey," in industry lingo.

Anna Wintour to become ambassador to England or France?

Good luck, Michelle Obama. It's not enough to be reminiscent of Jackie Kennedy; now you have to sell clothes like her, except in a huge recession.

We were wondering about those odd title frames flashing in between an segments of an interview with Barack Obama on the Rachel Maddow Show (like "Obama♥GOP"). Left in by someone in production?

Chris Matthews told his Hardball staff he won't run for a Pennsylvania senate seat in 2010, which means he'll probably remain at MSNBC. But will he be a sad poor, anchorwise?

Media elites call Anna Wintour's Vogue editorship stale, but after 20 years some in the creative underclass have grown attached. Or maybe, like Wintour, they've learned celebrities sell clothing.

Anyone know about the purported layoffs at Star? A tipster tells us the second-tier celebrity magazine is firing a "bunch of people."

· Two guys disguised themselves as Hasids and stole $4 million in diamonds from a 47th St. wholesaler. Also stolen: Snatch's plot. It's all really a testament to how natural-looking synthetic payos have become.