Our left coast cousin has been calling bullshit on this for months, and now Entertainment Weekly seems to agree with them: Joaquin Phoenix's supposed rap career is a total hoax.

Casting even more doubt on whether Nicole Kidman actually incubated her baby for nine months, doctors in Australia are warning that Botox can cause birth defects after it emerged that the mother of a child born deaf and blind had used Dysport, a Botox competitor also made of botulinum toxin, in her first month of pregnancy. Okay, so choosing between a smooth forehead and the joy of bringing new life into the world is a tough decision, but no one ever said being a woman was easy. Now, who's going to break the news to Mary Rambin? [SMH]

The New York Times Co. released its fourth quarter financial results this morning. They are bad, bad, bad, and apparently without any upside on any front anywhere. Observe:

Today we have cheating Oscar winners, poorly endowed celebrities, cradle robbers, and baby daddy issues.

WWD reports that Condé Nast has decided to shut down the shelter title Domino. The staff was informed of the news this morning. [WWD]

The coolest person to be friends with right now? Michelle Obama, of course. But unless you attended Harvard Law with Michelle or Oprah intervenes on your behalf, it's unlikely you're going to suddenly strike up a friendship with the First Lady. Allow us to present an alternative: Call up Sheena Harrell. She's a part-time Michelle Obama lookalike and if you get Sheena to show up to a party, your guests will think you're much more important than you really are. Plus she also happens to be a Christian minister and motivational speaker, and while her religious faith may prevent her from becoming the life of the party—and may make her a less-than-ideal fit for a Bar Mitzvah—her motivational skills should be useful if you're trying to get people to participate in a silent auction. Not planning an event but still want to lead people into thinking you're tight with the White House? Ask Sheena to be your friend on Facebook.

The women who bravely gave up their anonymity to appear in today's Times story about the "support group" they belong to, Dating a Banker Anonymous? Presumably they did so knowing that they would catch some flak from ignorant people who just don't appreciate the unique trauma of having "your monthly Bergdorf's allowance" halved, and should be applauded all the more for that. After all, have you walked in their $450 shoes from last season?

• Al De Molina, the chief executive of GMAC Financial Services, and his wife Donna, have sold their three-bedroom pied-à-terre at 110 Central Park South for $4.5 million. They paid $4.295 million for the apartment in June 2007. [NYO]
• Former Con Ed CFO Joan Freilich and her husband Sanford, an investment analyst, have paid $4.65 million for a three-bedroom apartment at 111 West 67th Street. [Cityfile]
• Alvin Rosenthal, brother of the late Leona Helmsley, and his wife Susan, paid $1.995 million for a two-bedroom apartment at 1025 Fifth Avenue. [NYO]
• The 6,250-square-foot townhouse at 24 West 11th Street, which was purchased by developer Aberdeen Townhomes for under $7 million in 2007 and subjected to a spectacular renovation before hitting the market in September 2008 for $17.5 million, has undergone a price cut. It's now on the market for $14.95 million. [Cityfile, PDE]

Have you heard what's happened to the Beatrice? They're, like, letting anyone inside these days. C-list celebs! Girls dressed in H&M and Forever 21! Sleazy guys! Even autograph-seekers! This recession really is ruining everything! [NYO]

Hope you didn't rent an apartment on the Upper West Side using a broker from Citi Habitats. Thousands of pages of bank statements, credit reports, tax returns and driver's licenses were discovered along Columbus Avenue afternoon yesterday, just waiting to be picked up by would-be identity thieves (and Eyewitness News reporter NJ Burkett, of course). Citi Habitats says the document dump occurred "during a refurbishing" of the company's offices at 465 Columbus Avenue. Feel free to recycle that excuse when your bank calls to inquire about the 27 flat-screen TVs purchased in your name at the Best Buy in Paramus. [ABC7 via TRD]

Sean Hannity gave Alan Colmes a new Rolex and Tom Cruise gave Katie Holmes a new baby, reportedly. Disturbing relationships can still be fruitful.

Bon anniversaire, monsieur le président! France's Nicolas Sarkozy turns 54 today. The most popular man at the New York Times, Mexican billionaire—and NYT investor—Carlos Slim Helú, is 69. Elijah Wood is 28. Actor Alan Alda is 73. Comedian Mo Rocca is turning 40. Nick Carter is turning 29. Sarah McLachlan is 41. Joey Fatone is 32. The rapper Rakim is 41. And power-hungry, homophobic pastor Rick Warren is celebrating 55 years on God's green earth today.

Ken Sunshine sure isn't having a good week. The celebrity publicist famous for working with A-listers like Leonardo DiCaprio and Justin Timberlake has been helping former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain defend himself this week. Sunshine's work on Thain's behalf hasn't gone so well, of course: Thain had trouble mustering much of a defense during his chat on Monday with Maria Bartiromo, and the CNBC hostess clearly avoided holding Thain's feet to the fire. You'd think Sunshine could have arranged for things to go down a bit more smoothly! It turns out that Maria is a Sunshine client, too, and he was the one who set up the big "exclusive." [WSJ, Page Six]

George Bush Sr. told a joke about the "ugliest woman I've ever seen," who he'd never screw. Bill Clinton passive-aggressively called him out with a "joke" of his own.

• Tory Burch appears to have lost her shot at winning the title of Mom of the Year: On a flight from Miami to NYC, the designer/society staple was spotted lounging in first class while her kids and nanny had to make do with coach. [P6]
• Olivia Palermo still seems to think her gig on MTV's The City is going to help her become a "serious actress," poor thing. [P6]
• Tom Cruise was photographed touching Katie Holmes' stomach, so obviously she must be pregnant, no? [OK!]
• Paris Hilton is in London this week. And she's providing lots of entertainment to the British public. She's already announced that she has no plans to choose Amy Winehouse as her new BFF, she doesn't know who the country's prime minister is, and she isn't planning to date Prince Harry out of "respect" for Chelsy Davy. [TS, DM, Hello]

In between fielding calls from the CIA and praising "Love and Light," internet-savvy whippersnapper Ashton Kutcher procured an "assistant" (virtual?) to introduce wife Demi Moore to Twitter. Moore's already getting snarky.

• Wells Fargo reported a $2.55 billion loss for the fourth quarter; it also said recently acquired Wachovia lost $11 billion during the period. [BN, WSJ]
• Steve Schwarzman says it's a "wonderful time" for the industry, despite the fact his net worth has dropped by $7 billion in recent months. [BN]
• Andrew Cuomo has subpoenaed former Merrill chief John Thain. [WSJ]
• Wall Street bonuses dropped 44% in 2008. [BN]
• Bank of America's board of directors is now feeling the heat. [NYT]
• It was Tim Geithner who convinced Citi to scrap plans to buy a new jet. [FT]
• Lunch with T. Boone Pickens: now up for auction on Ebay. [DB]

Like the Richard Nixon groupie he is, Rod Blagojevich quickly broke his promise to Rachel Maddow to become the "anti-Nixon." Instead he broke court rules and dodged questions, on national television.

Oh, look, someone started "Dating a Banker Anonymous," where vapid women meet to whine about the empty lives they chose and the broke, impotent men they are now stuck with.

The ongoing collapse of the American economy means middle-class college grads must behave like coddled aristocratic twits and secure internships through their parents' largesse.