Guys have you heard about this stimulus bill? It is made up entirely of $1 trillion dollars spent on sex, filthy unreproductive sex!

"Malia Obama-Jonas"...has a nice (purity) ring to it. [HuffPo]

Obama will win votes for his stimulus package the old fashioned way: by getting lawmakers drunk.

Oh ho, it appears this global economic meltdown is having a deleterious effect on massive Wall Street bonuses! They were down 44-freaking-percent last year. Of course this will mostly hurt you, the poors.

· Lara Croft will return for another adventure, in a "revamping [that would] bear little resemblance to the originals." io9 has already discredited the Megan Fox rumors, which leaves only one other logical candidate. [THR]

Dude, Russia's not getting a Dell. That's a polite version of what Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, Russia's testy KGB agent turned autocrat, told Michael Dell in Davos. Dell's sin? After Putin delivered a fiery 40-minute sermon about the doom of the West, Dell asked if there was any way his company could help Russia with its computers. Yes, he gave a tacky sales pitch at the high-minded World Economic Forum. But he didn't deserve the tongue-lashing Putin gave him next, as reported by Fortune: "We don't need help. We are not invalids. We don't have limited mental capacity."

Virgin is always making those cheeky ads for itself, right? But when a blogger does it in obvious parody style, Virgin sues them. Scrubs.

It's not that we didn't expect—nay, welcome—all manner of oddness from Mickey Rourke during his comeback, whether that means smooching Bai Ling or dating his on-screen daughter. However, this ongoing Wrestlemania thing has us concerned.

The awkwardest David Letterman interviews. Yeek. We need air. [Cracked]

You know you're an Oscar frontrunner when the defensive becomes the default. Ask Fox Searchlight — they'll tell you.

Those gold-digging "DABA" girls, the ones who're complaining about their impotent, newly-out-of-work banker boyfriends in the New York Times, have become overnight successes. All by themselves! They've gone and snagged a book deal.

There's been tons of coverage of Andre Balazs' new Standard hotel this week. (See here and here.) If you're too lazy to actually read—or you've been mispronouncing his last name and not giving it the Hungarian accent that it cries out for—perhaps this video of Andre discussing the property will satisfy your thirst for all things Balazsian. Or just skip over to Curbed for photos from the hotel's unfinished rooftop, where Balazs plans to install two venues, including a casual bar and a "more refined club." [Curbed]

Who says the magazine industry is doomed? The debut issue of Capital Style is coming out on February 23rd, and it promises to cover everything from "fashion" to "local boutiques" to "new trends" to "hot new restaurants." Okay, so it's only covering those subjects in Central Ohio. Whatever. We're totally taking this as positive news anyway. [Capital Style]

Man, Obama is the best. Did you know we just won the war in Iraq? It's true! The proof? The US is apparently installing a driving range in the Green Zone.

Nobody outside the Valley knows much about Symantec CEO John Thompson, the frontrunner to be the next Secretary of Commerce. But if anyone Googles the software chief, they'll get an eyeful.

Well, The Smiths aren't reuniting. But Morrissey will be there! So will a Beatle (and it's not Ringo).

Yesterday we asked you to tell us the asinine things that companies are doing in the name of cost-cutting. Today, the first worthy entrants: every expense is non-essential, you know:

The widely circulated images of confusing-exercise-video survivor Jessica Simpson at a Florida chili festival probably weren't what the singer had in mind when she recently told a handler, "I wanna be big again!"

Melissa Lum, accessories editor of shopping rag Lucky "quit shopping." She encourages you to continue to do so, however. [Beautiful Stranger]

[The rapper and the former actress at the Elie Saab Paris Fashion Week show; image via Getty]