Well, The Smiths aren't reuniting. But Morrissey will be there! So will a Beatle (and it's not Ringo).

UPDATE: Ryan Seacrest lied to you, possibly.

Oh, and every other band you've ever heard of, ever. Basically we're in for Friday and Sunday, which means we're in for the whole shebang, even though Saturday is really not doing it for us. Will you be at Coachella '09?

PS. We freely admit we've never heard of about 50% of these acts. Uh Huh Her? Floater? The Knux? Snailhouse? Ugh, we feel old.

PPS. Also, Katy Perry sucks. What is she doing there?

UPDATE: Our ex-cousins at Idolator tell us Ryan Seacrest is a closet aerosol-computer-cleaner addict and this list is not trustworthy and may be completely bogus. Further, our pal in the music industry also tells us Katy Perry has a show in Florida that night. So we've all been had, and we blame Seacrest. Who can suck it.

UPDATE 2: The page has now disappeared from RyanSeacrest.com.

FRIDAY

Nine Inch Nails
Morrissey
Orbital
Franz Ferdinand
Puscifer
Katy Perry
Digitalism (live)
The Presets
K's Choice
Conor Oberst & the Mystic Valley Band
X
Metric
The Black Keys
Shpongle
Turbonegro
Bassnectar
Fair To Midland
Ladytron
Cage
Brian Jonestown Massacre
Hercules & Love Affair
Mickey Avalon
The Gaslight Anthem
Laura Marling
The Whip
The Bloody Beetroots
Kristina Sky
The Airborne Toxic Event
Friendly Fires
Straight Line Stitch
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
Shadrach Kabango
Los Campesinos
O'Death
The Wishing Tree
Floater
Alias Westlord
Snailhouse
Asteroids Galaxy Tour
Miyavi
Kevin Rudolf
TINARIWEN
Heartless Bastards
Drop The Lime
Lucent Dossier

SATURDAY

The Killers
Neil Young
Primus
Basement Jaxx
TV on the Radio
Mike Patton Rahzel
Adele
Immortal Technique
Atmosphere
One Day as a Lion
Girl Talk
Primal Scream
Coolof (of The Knife) (DJ set)
KT Tunstall
Crystal Castles
Amon Tobin
M.A.N.D.Y.
She & Him
Roni Size
Kimya Dawson
Glasvegas
The Black Marquee
Jade Everett
Jamie T
Foals
Grace Potter & The Nocturnals
No Age
Late of the Pier
Sebastian Tellier
Peanut Butter Wolf
The Flobots
Radio Luxembourg
Ice Cream Floats
Flying Lotus
Kitty, Daisy & Lewis
The Bug
White Lies
The Knux
The Captains Intangible
Mad Marge & The Stonecutters
N.A.S.A.
Mexican Institute of Sound
Eric Mcfadden Trio
Soniko
Kira Willey
Lucent Dossier
KIM H & DANNY R

SUNDAY

Paul McCartney
Foo Fighters
Public Enemy
Chemical Brothers
Keane
Poe
MSTRKRFT
Fleet Foxes
Band of Horses
Lupe Fiasco
Skunk Anansie
Planet of the Drums
Jenny Lewis
Imogen Heap
The Heavy
The Shins
Black Mountain
Asobi Seksu
Gus Black
Alabama 3
The Faint
The Sounds
The Ting Tings
Yeasayer
Conjure One
The Bees
Bizarre
Surkin
The Greencards
The Hold Steady
Uh Huh Her
Christopher Lawrence
a place to bury strangers
Carolina Chocolate Drops
The Death Set
Florence & The Machine
Anna Ternheim
Weston Boys
Tommy Mills & The Jade Amenity
Gutevolk
Buraka Som Sistema
Lucent Dossier