Is Watchmen fever producing a tingly sensation in you? Then you may have an STD, brother! If only you'd slipped on the film's newest tie-in: a Crudup-emulating, cerulean rubber. Click to enlarge (ahem). [Robot 6]

Were you concerned that the financial crisis might have put a damper on Steve Schwarzman's birthday party? (He turned 62 last Saturday; we suggested you send him some stone crabs.) It turns out the billionaire's party this year was considerably less lavish than the event he hosted in 2007 when he spent upwards of $3 million to throw a bash at the Armory, invited everyone in town, and hired Rod Stewart to perform. Yesterday, Steve treated Blackstone employees to cake in the boardroom, although you'll be pleased to hear that the mogul's tendency to show off has not been diminished. Recessionwire has the scoop: "Yesterday, we’re told, Blackstone Group employees were invited to a giant boardroom for a brief roast (no, not a toast) and some cake. But it wasn't all humble pie. Huge flat-screens in the rooms displayed the birthday invitation—a map showing the many miles Schwarzman had traveled in the last year, complete with cute little pictures of private planes." [Recessionwire]

Nicky Hilton outside Joe's Pizza in the West Village last night. [Splash News]

Oscar season has claimed its first victim. Mickey Rourke's treasured, constant companion—his Chihuahua, Loki—is dead at age 18.

Draw yourself into a world of smarter sketch and stand-up as Important Things with Demetri Martin debuts tonight. Click through to preview a clip of the show. Tonight at 10:30pm / 9:30c, only on Comedy Central.

Spencer Morgan at the New York Observer writes weekly about a particularly annoying person or trend. Today he truly outdoes himself, with the definitive article on freaky penis foreskin restorers. Fancy penis synonyms, too!

On the 110th hour of the Today show this morning, Kathie Lee got a little randy. She was talking about a specific kind of kiss, and felt compelled to demonstrate it on everyone around her.

A judge on Tuesday denied Roman Polanski's motion to dismiss his 1977 rape case, but left a cracked-open window for the filmmaker to return this spring to try in person.

Tracy Morgan's "faulty fish tank" set off a fire yesterday inside his apartment at 160 Riverside Boulevard. Thankfully, no one was hurt in the incident. But could we kindly ask that some city official send the frequently drunk comedian a bill? According to fire officials,"25 units and 78 firefighters responded to the blaze, which was declared under control at 9:01 am." [NYP]

The voicemail message on socialite Bettina Zilkha's cell phone. Related: Plum Sykes, Shoshanna Gruss, Lucy Sykes and Euan Rellie, Dylan Lauren, Tinsley Mortimer. Have someone you'd like us to call? Feel free to email us and let us know.

Sandra Herold, owner of Travis the chimp (Travis ripped a woman's face off after writing the stimulus bill), went on The Today Show because it seemed like a great idea in her current mental state.

Lo: Remember the Good Old Days of journalism, when NYC precinct houses were full of dozens of grizzled, worldly reporters covering gritty city crime? Now it's just one 23 year-old from the Brooklyn Paper.

A 17-year-old student at Dalton plunged to his death from an 11th floor window this morning. "Police are investigating the death, but sources said the student may have committed suicide." Update: The Daily News reports that the police "believe the student snuck into an empty dance studio on the school's 11th floor, opened the top part of the window and jumped." [NYP, related]

So they're back! Sort of. The Real Housewives of New York City didn't quite return to the city last night—they only got as far as the Hamptons. But it was close enough to smell blood.

Jon Winkelried, the co-COO of Goldman Sachs and one of the highest paid men on Wall Street, announced yesterday that he plans to retire at the end of the March. Why did the 49-year-old banker decide to call it quits? It's unclear, although the Times did suggest that Winkelried may have simply been worn out, which isn't too surprising given the past few months. Hopefully with a few weeks of rest, he'll be back to his old self—the sort of guy who dresses up as a Rasta for a costume party—soon enough. A few more pics of Jon channeling the ghost of Bob Marley (alongside the rest of the Winkelried clan) below.

[Model Agyness Deyn in New York; image via Splash]

[Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com] Feb. 18 @ 10:30am Making out with long blonde-haired model in stripy tee and sunglasses at Cafe Falai. Just now.

Regarding this morning's Sean Delonas monkey cartoon, a tipster tells us that New York Post is already getting lots of calls about it—some threatening to burn their building down! [Previously]

Oh no! Not the Swedish model! Look carefully at that terrifying blue and yellow Nordic Cross; it is our generation's hammer and sickle.

What is the world coming to, when the bottom-feeding British press can't even trust 13 year-olds to be truthful about whether they were the one who screwed the 15 year-old and made a baby?