[Tom Cruise comforts a hysterically weeping fan at the premiere of "Valkyrie" in Japan; image via Splash]]

Well, our array of omnipresent blinking gadgets has officially rendered us totally incapable of normal human action. The proof: David Prager, whose reaction to having his home broken into was to Twitter about it:

Today is: Gay Utah finds a new prom queen, Non-Gay Utah hates freedom, Sahara continues to hemorrhage money, Twilight newz!!, and frigging Octomom.

Good news: we have a drug czar! Bad news: his kid uses drugs, like everyone's kid. It's just like some movie!

In a study that can either be deemed horribly pertinent or totally superfluous in light of every other newspaper headline, two Stanford professors have demonstrated that the phrase "drunk on power" isn't just a metaphor: Anyone placed in a position of power, they say, will automatically overestimate their abilities and the control they have over events, and basically turn into deluded megalomaniacs.

Last Thursday, D.L. Hughley's unnecessary CNN show was canceled. Yesterday, the David Alan Grier-anchored Chocolate News ended forever. Is it possible—even in this Obama era—America's not ready for bad TV?

Today we have a celebrity Apprentice who's a complete drunk, a singer with a foot fetish, a pill-popping actress, and a gigolo who went from men to women.

The man with the worst job in Washington, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, has put his Westchester home up for sale: The five-bedroom Tudor in Larchmont is now on the market for $1.635 million. But as smart as he may be when it comes to economic matters, one thing is for certain. If, as some are suggesting, Geithner's career comes to a premature end, the former president of the New York Federal Reserve will not be turning to a career in interior design. A video tour of Geithner's painfully furnished home—accompanied by the cheesiest soundtrack you've heard in ages—is below.

War on art! A famous Japanese pop artist was doing just a little bit of vandalism down in the subways, and was arrested. Why doesn't Mayor Bloomberg just let people draw in the streets?

Looks like you won't be hitting up the video slots in Queens anytime soon. The Buffalo-based company that was set to install the 1,000 machines at the Aqueduct Race Track—and contribute $370 million to the state's coffers in the process—has dropped out of the deal because they can't come up with the cash. The good news? Thanks to the recession, bus tickets to Atlantic City have never been cheaper! [AP]

If you were one of the dozens of people let go from Simon & Schuster in December, back when CEO Carolyn Reidy lamented that the company had "literally examined our budget line by line to find those areas large and small where we might further economize," you'll be particularly thrilled to hear that S&S imprint Scribner has dropped a ridiculous $5 million on Time Traveler's Wife author Audrey Niffenegger's second novel.

• Real estate magnate Murray Goodman has chopped more than $2.5 million off the price of his four-bedroom duplex at 960 Fifth Avenue (left), which he first listed for $32.5 million in January. He's is still set to make a handsome profit if he can sell it at the new price of $29.96 million: Goodman bought the apartment for just $1.41 million in 1981. [Cityfile, Sotheby's]
• Jason Epstein, a senior partner at the investment management firm Columbus Nova, and his wife Chloe, an agent at Stribling, have paid $4.6 million for a 17th-floor apartment at 255 East 74th Street. [Cityfile]
• Diane Keaton has put her 8,434-square-foot home in Beverly Hills on the market for $12.995 million. [Real Estalker]

Is Ruth Madoff facing indictment? What about the Madoff's two sons? And what will happen to Walter Noel and Bob Jaffe? Lucinda Sparks has some juicy detail over at The Daily Beast, including the unsurprising revelation that Bernie Madoff hasn't been the easiest guy for prosecutors to deal with. Says one source: "He is not reliable. He’s jerking everyone around. Every day he changes his tune about where the money went and where it is. He's trying to protect his family." [TDB]

Rupert Murdoch turns 78 today. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is turning 73. Joel and Benji Madden are 30. Sam Donaldson is turning 75. Famed attorney David Boies is 68. Finance exec Alexandra Lebenthal is 45. Real estate broker Robby Browne is 61. Jesse Jackson, Jr. is turning 44. Singer Lisa Loeb is turning 41. Terrence Howard is 40. Actress Thora Birch is turning 27. Bobby McFerrin is turning 59. Director Jerry Zucker is 59. Rapper Paul Wall is 28. Johnny Knoxville is 38. And Long Island's very own Joey Buttafuoco is celebrating his 53rd birthday today.

• What's Ashley Dupre been up to recently? She's been doing lots of yoga, which she credits with saving her life. And it also introduced her to Russell Simmons, who is now her "mentor" and is making her feel more "liberated." Is that the term they use these days? [P6]
• LiLo and Sam Ronson got in another fight outside a club. This one was caught on tape, however. [TMZ]
• Rumor has it Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel may be engaged. [NYDN]
• Breaking! George Clooney got drunk at a bar St. Louis last weekend. [NYDN]

• Following yesterday's stock market surge, some analysts see a comeback in the making. Believe it when you see it. [CNN]
• Investors pulled $11 billion out of hedge funds in February. [BN]
• Related: hedge funds may slash 20,000 jobs around the world this year. [DB]
• Even the junky little banks that should have never been given a piece of the bailout in the first place now want to give the money back. [NYT]
• Some 45% of the world's wealth has been destroyed over the past year, says Blackstone CEO Steve Schwarzman. [Reuters]
• Tim Geithner appeared on Charlie Rose's show yesterday. [BN]
• Quadrangle Group, the firm formerly headed up by Steve Rattner, has hired three new execs to help manage Michael Bloomberg's money. [DB]
• Good work if you can get it: Hedge find titan John Paulson has made about half a billion bucks since the fall shorting a couple of British banks. [BN]

Nadya Suleman might consider her decision to have octuplets "irrational," but she's still totally going to sell the birth video. Maybe Ashley Dupre can teach her how to meditate amid 14 screaming kids.

Well, this was probably inevitable: Now that everyone in the world is telling newspaper and magazine publishers they need to charge for website access, the big players are reconsidering the idea.

Meet Officer Vaughan Ettienne, the bodybuilder who learned the hard way you shouldn't write like a thug online, or a jury might just suspect you of mistreating a suspect.

Stalker email, five minutes ago: "In case anyone cares...Whitney Port is at Tenjune right now." Is she drunk?