When Ghostface said "The glorious days are gone, and everybody's doing bad," he was referring to the day (today) when Goldman Sachs bankers would be forced to stay in the fucking Embassy Suites. It's bullshit.

The heartwrenching saga of the Wasilla Hillbillies, the most recent installment of which features the dramatic break-up of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, cries out for a reality show. It could be on VH1.

It was reported several weeks ago that Peter Madoff—brother of the newly imprisoned Bernie and his long-time business partner—had transferred ownership of his $4.6 million Palm Beach home to his wife right around the same time the Madoffs learned that their firm was under investigation. We have the documents below to prove it, if you're interested in seeing what may very well be entered into evidence at some point in the future.

Hip-hop head Michael Steele is the head of the Republican National Committee, so imagine how surprised everyone was to find out he supports abortion! Wait, no no no, takeback, takeback!

Açaí berries: From the sexy diacritical marks and uncertain pronunciation to the Amazonian rainforest provenance to the claims that açaí will make you skinny, beautiful, healthy, and basically immortal, it's hard to believe that the shiny purple fruit wasn't actually dreamt up by a major corporation's PR team in order to exploit our gullibility as consumers. More than $106 million was spent on açaí last year, Nicholas Perricone sells an açaí supplement, Mehmet Oz endorses açaí, and Oprah, Sumner Redstone, and Rachael Ray have all been reported to be fans at one time or another. Is it any surprise to learn that there's scarcely any scientific evidence for the multitudinous benefits that have been touted?

The never-ending parade of miseries that is Joaquin Phoenix's is-he-or-isn't-he trip from retiring actor to budding rapper rumbles on. In this chapter, he fights a heckler at a Miami show.

Bernie Madoff, the most incredibly humongous scammer that America has ever seen, has just pleaded guilty to all charges against him, as expected.

[Victoria Beckham in Milan; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Jennifer Lopez heading into the Bowery Hotel for dinner with Benny Medina ... Bill Cosby walking down East 74th Street ... Drew Barrymore arriving at JFK ... Moby hanging out with friends at the Cooper Square Hotel ... Hugh Jackman taking his daughter for a walk in the West Village ... Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on their way to the gym in Tribeca ... Tyra Banks standing around with her crew downtown ... Ne-Yo leaving his hotel in Midtown ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking in the West Village ... Nick Cannon leaving Barneys on Madison Avenue ... Jude Law partying at the Box ... and Jay-Z leaving the Waverly Inn.

Court hearing yesterday for cover model Liskula Cohen, who's suing Google to try to force it to reveal the identity of an anonymous blogger who calls her a skank, which "impugned her chastity." Hilarity ensued.

With Bernie now behind bars, perhaps you were thinking this would be a good time to issue your sympathies to Ruth Madoff, who will be sleeping alone tonight in the couple's Upper East Side penthouse for the first time in months? You bet it is! To make your job easier, we created a pre-printed postcard for you. All you have to do is print it out, slap on a stamp, and you're good to go. You're welcome!

Today we have a lesbian with a man-cheating fiance, an underwear collecting star, a jealous career-ruining wife, and a TV love triangle.

Iraqi—and, indeed, global—hero Muntader al-Zaidi, whose act of hurling his shoes at failed president GW Bush proved him superior to all other political journalists, is going to jail. Despite having an excuse:

Worried about holding on to your job? You may have to lie, cheat, and flirt your way into your boss's good graces, or risk being the sucker who goes about their work with honesty and integrity only to get canned! In a new survey of American workers, 40 per cent of respondents aged 18-34 said they would happily act immorally or backstabby in order to stay employed, and a quarter said they would outright lie. We assume that they also lied about whether or not they'd flirt with the boss to get ahead, since only 4 per cent copped to this, which is an implausibly low figure, even if you don't count the time-honored tradition of dressing slutty to advance your career as flirting.

No Sex At Soho House... [Guest of a Guest]

• Ravi Singh, who retired from Goldman Sachs late last year, appears to be having a tough time unloading the four-bedroom apartment at 15 CPW he picked up last March for $15.87 million. Since listing the home for $32 million in September, Singh has cut the price three times, and it now has an asking price of $22.5 million. [Cityfile, BHS]
• Hess Corp. chairman and CEO John Hess has paid $5.5 million for a condo at Tribeca's 101 Warren. [Cityfile]
• Ira Lipman, the head of the security firm Guardsmark, has paid $2 million for an apartment at the Sherry Netherland. [Cityfile]
• Folk artist Thomas Langan and his wife Penelope have put their waterfront home in Roslyn Harbor on the market for $2.9 million. [Newsday, PDE]
• Kimora Lee Simmons has lowered the price of the manse in Beverly Hillst hat she first listed for $7.75 million in June. It's now yours for $6.9 million. [BTL]

Bernie is going to jail! The judge just ruled that Bernie Madoff will not be able to go home pending sentencing, a ruling that generated a round of applause in the courtroom. And guess what? It seems Madoff isn't going to be very popular when he heads over to the Metropolitan Correctional Center in a few minutes. Apparently, Madoff "may have to fight off prison inmates who want to squeeze him for money or blame him for the Wall Street crash." [Bloomberg]

As expected, Bernie Madoff just pleaded guilty to all the charges against him. He also says he's really, really sorry about everything that's happened, if that makes you feel any better. [NYT]

Liza Minnelli turns 63 today. Darryl Strawberry is 47. James Taylor is turning 61. Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is turning 62. Playwright Edward Albee is 81. Pete Doherty is 30. Author Dave Eggers is turning 39. Publicist Ken Sunshine is 61. Director Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious, XXX) is 60. Al Jarreau is turning 69. Actor Aaron Eckhart is 41. Novelist Carl Hiaasen is 56. SportsCenter anchor Steve Levy is 44. And the most famous male porn star in history, Ron Jeremy, is 56 today.

• Guess John Mayer didn't buy Jennifer Aniston an engagement ring after all. It's now rumored Mayer ended the relationship right around the time Aniston got back from her world promotional tour for Marley & Me. [E!, Us]
• Tim Gunn supposedly has a "secret crush" on Anderson Cooper. He says he's been trying to set up a lunch date with the CNN anchor for more than a year now, but it hasn't happened. Yet! [OK!]
• Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams got married on Tuesday in Savannah. [Us]
• Breaking! Katie Holmes has long hair again! [DM]