"Most importantly, don't panic. They're liberals; we have all the guns, remember?"

Anderson Cooper isn't about to make a dancing fool of himself with Ellen DeGeneres, like those other TV news anchors, whom he helpfully names. Plus, public displays of ardor just aren't his thing.

• At long last, Karl Lagerfeld has his very own Ken doll "complete with matching black suit, high white collar, white ponytail, silver leather gloves." The doll-like photo to your left? That's the genuine article. [Racked]
• Either Adele suddenly dropped a ton of weight before her Annie Leibovitz photo shoot or Vogue's art department has been working overtime. [Jezebel]
• French officials are considering a law that would require magazines to disclose the fact they've manipulated a photo. That sound you just heard was Pascal Dangin shudder with disgust. [BI]
• The fashion world has "slowed down and sobered up," but "the recession could turn out to make designers better designers," says Cathy Horyn. [NYT]

President Obama's motorcade arrives at the NBC's Burbank studios for the taping of tonight's Jay Leno. (Photo by jodante)

You know the bottom is falling out of the economy when social scenesters are forced to turn to petty crime. Paul Johnson-Calderon—professional partygoer, Paper magazine writer, and ex-boyfriend of Peter Davis—apparently walked out of the Eldridge on Wednesday night in possession of a purse belonging to a hostess who worked there. But the whole episode was caught on a security camera, so he was totally busted. Fortunately, he's since borrowed some cash from his parents and paid the woman back, so he's not headed to jail or anything. But it may very well affect the number of events he gets invited to in the future, which for PJC is quite likely a far crueler fate. [Guest of a Guest]

Guy Kawasaki, a former Apple executive famous for popularizing the practice of "evangelism" in tech marketing, loves Twitter, like every good self-promoting hack. But how can you tell when a hack gets hacked?

After Facebook's redesign, when is Twitter's coming? We want a feature that filters for vapidity. We'd hate that, too, because we'd never see tweets like these from Jenny 8. Lee, Sarah Lacy, and Randi Zuckerberg:

Prostitute-hiring former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is back in front of the TV cameras, talking about AIG! Good thing, because we need experts on the violation of financial laws. Watch him explain his "contribution."

Bernie Madoff is leading our Most Loathsome Financial Villain poll, but there's still time for second-place Alan Greenspan to make a comeback. Go vote for your candidate!

[A still from the 'Mambo' scene from the original 1957 Broadway production of 'West Side Story'. A gorgeous, near-perfect revival of the musical officially opens at the Palace tonight; image LIFE © Time Inc.]

Ha, Barack Obama's official photographer thinks he snapped this shot of a young Vladimir Putin standing there dressed like a big old nerd, ready to meet Ronald Reagan, 21 years ago in Moscow. Conspiracy?

New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo has a secret! AIG has given him a list of employees who received controversial bonuses after the insurer's continued bailouts — but he won't name names.

Did someone hack into Chris Dodd's Senate web site this afternoon?

• Who doesn't want to take over Tavern on the Green? A meeting of potential bidders today attracted Alan Stillman, Boathouse owner Dean Poll, Capitale's Seth Greenberg, and reps for Cipriani, Trump, and Meyer. [NYO]
• Minetta Tavern is attracting quite the crowd: Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow were there for dinner last night; Anna Wintour was in the house for lunch. How hard is it to nab a reservation? Not as hard as they'd like you to think. [TFB, GS]
• The good news/bad news about Zak Pelaccio's UWS Fatty Crab. [Eater]
• Ken Friedman is serving $0.99 drinks for the Rusty Knot's 1st bday. [TONY]
• A peek at Keste Pizza & Vino, which opens next week and will be offering classes on how to make authentic pizza. Just $4,000 for 10 sessions! [Eater]
• The owner of the Ollie's chain of Chinese restaurants has been ordered to pay $2.3 million in back pay to workers for violating wage laws. [NYDN]
• Word to the wise: celebrity chefs will make you fat! [NYDN]

Getting crushed by Jon Stewart last week wasn't the end of the bad news for Jim Cramer. Last week, TheStreet.com, the financial news site that Cramer co-founded and continues to oversee as chairman, lost its longtime CEO, Thomas Clarke. Today the company laid off 18 staffers as part of a plan to slash $2.4 million in costs. We'd hate to second-guess Cramer given his rep as all-knowing financial guru, but if the company was really looking to reduce overhead in a hurry, wouldn't it have been easier to have started with Cramer's seven-figure salary? Just a thought! [PaidContent]

Our old friend Dick Hardt, the Vancouver-based entrepreneur whose last startup flamed out and drew a lawsuit by investors, has resurfaced at Microsoft. And, according to photos he just posted, he has nothing to hide.

CNBC's Mark Haines used to anchor Squawk Box. Now that the money's gone, he wanders around the floor of the New York Stock Exchange talking to himself. Or maybe drinking. Here's a compilation:

Appalachian State University's student paper The Appalachian has just kicked off its long-awaited four-part series on pornography, and it promises to be children's treasury of hilarity that we will follow closely. Today: Cum shot controversy.

When will Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg wake up and realize he made an idiotic mistake by copying Twitter? The Facebook-loving masses loathe the new look — as do Facebook's best pals in Silicon Valley.

The House just passed a bill to return most of the ill-gotten AIG bonus money to taxpayers. But the most guilty villains are in London, immune from our silly laws, laughing at us.