Remember how we paid Lockheed Martin $67.5 million to index Dick Cheney's emails? The guy whose fault it was has been caught: Paul Magliocchetti, the famous lobbyist.

This morning we bring news of the war between Nadya Suleman and Mexicans. Plus, the failing of Julia Roberts and a group of sad people in costume becomes our entertainment.

Wasn't life so much simpler when the function of the grey matter inside our skulls was a mystery as unknowable as what happens after we die or how many different wigs Tyra Banks owns? Now words like synapse and neuron are thrown around in general conversation, we use drugs to fine tune our dopamine and serotonin levels, and most disconcerting of all, machines understand our mental processes better than we can.

American schools are drug-ridden dens of iniquity, but fortunately we have insurance companies to teach our children values, with TV ads. And whoa, Liberty Mutual has a new 'Responsibility' campaign. Why does that sound familiar?

Did you read that story in the Post over the weekend about unemployed Wall Street women who have resorted to stripping to pay the bills? The piece focused on Randi Newton, a former investment banking analyst who says she turned to pole work after getting laid off by Morgan Stanley. But while it was a hopeful story that there is life after Wall Street—she says she took the job at Rick's Cabaret days after getting canned, now earns $160,000 a year "on tips alone," and that the club is "better run" than the bank—it now turns out that much of what she said may not be true. Newton has been an actress since 2001 and is currently busy promoting a book called Wall Street Stripper. Your kinky fantasies about the girl sitting in the cube next to you—crushed! [Dealbreaker]

Today we have an actor hooking up two with not-so-lovely lasses, two actress friends who like to do coke together... a lot, a teen doin' it with a 50-year-old, and a flailing singer.

Ellen Barkin walking in the West Village ... Mario Batali having lunch with the family at Da Silvano ... Gisele Bundchen going to a photo shoot at Chelsea Piers ... Julia Roberts walking in Chinatown ... Jessica Alba leaving her Tribeca hotel with her daughter Honor ... Claire Danes carrying a shopping bag in Soho ... Leighton Meester walking in the Village ... Mickey Rourke sporting a new 'do after leaving a salon on Madison Avenue ... Jennifer Aniston standing on the set of her new movie, The Baster ... Howard Stern walking a few blocks from his apartment building ... Mary J. Blige shopping with friends at American Apparel ... and Bernadette Peters hailing a cab outside Barneys.

The New York Daily News sez: It's now fair to masturbate to Madonna's 12-year-old.

Mickey Rourke dates strange ladies, Frankie Delgado is a jerk, and so much celebrity-baby news that you might just never want to have a baby yourself, thus ending the human race. And on a Monday!

A few months ago two Fashion Institute of Technology students were arrested for dealing coke, and they laughed about it, and were subsequently crucified in the tabloids. Now they're blaming hardworking, cock-referencing undercover police!

Being the daughter of a fashion titan like Carine Roitfeld obviously comes with certain perks, little things like automatic entrée into the highest echelon of New York society and lucrative modeling contracts for a string of ad campaigns. But as Julia Restoin Roitfeld reveals, with the privileges come certain responsibilities, like making sure Carine doesn't catch her letting herself down, letting the family down, and letting the industry down—by wearing flat shoes! "My mum told me always to wear heels. If I'm not wearing heels, she says, 'What? You're in flats?' So whenever I see her, I make sure I have heels with me."

Don't expect to see Sean Avery disappear from sight anytime soon. The notoriously temperamental hockey player's stint as a Vogue intern last summer may still become the basis of a movie. (The working title is Puckface.) And he'll be adding restaurateur to his resume soon, too. He's teamed up with Beatrice Inn co-owner Matt Abramcyk and former art dealer Chris Miller to open a new restaurant and bar called Warren 77. [NYT]

• Emanuel Stern, the son of billionaire real estate tycoon Leonard Stern and president of his father's Hartz Mountain Industries, has sold the 6,500-square-foot home in Bridgehampton that he shares with wife Elizabeth for $8.5 million. [Newsday]
• Risa Meyer, the daughter of late socialite and philanthropist Kitty Meyer and founder of the online party-goods store PlumParty.com, has put her three-bedroom condo at Trump Parc East on the market for $14.8 million. [Cityfile, Stribling]
• Real estate developer Hunter Lipton and his wife, Tara, have paid $4.6 million for a third-floor apartment at 255 East 74th Street. [Cityfile]

Norah Jones turns 30 today. Celine Dion is turning 41. Warren Beatty is 72. Eric Clapton turns 64. Actor/comedian Paul Reiser is turning 52. Tracy Chapman is 45. Mark Consuelos, the husband of Kelly Ripa, is 38. Reality TV judge Piers Morgan is turning 44. MC Hammer is 47. And former 90210 star Ian Ziering turns 45 today.

• It seems Michael Wolff is finally coming clean about intern-turned-girlfriend Victoria Floethe: The author and Vanity Fair contributor brought her to a tasting at Graydon Carter's Monkey Bar last week and now admits he and his wife Alison Anthoine are planning to divorce. [P6]
• This will probably come as a huge surprise given his upstanding reputation, but it's rumored Bernie Madoff hasn't been faithful to his wife all these years, and may have cheated on her on a couple of occasions. [R&M]
• A "friend" of Joe Biden's daughter Ashley has been trying to sell a tape of her allegedly snorting cocaine for $250,000. [NYDN]
• Madonna appeared in a Malawian court today to discuss her adoption of a four-year-old girl, but a judge put off a decision until Friday. [AP, NYP]

• Washington is now playing hard ball: The Obama administration has forced out GM CEO Rick Wagoner and now says the company has 30 days to finalize its alliance with Fiat if it expects to get more bailout cash. [NYT, WSJ]
• UBS plans to lay off as many as 8,000 more employees worldwide. [Reuters]
• Working at Goldman Sachs has its perks: The bank spent tens of millions bailing out several senior execs facing a personal liquidity squeeze, including former COO Jon Winkelried and general counsel Gregory Palm. [NYT]
• Bank of America plans to increase some bankers' salaries by as much as 70 percent to offset reduced year-end bonuses. [BN]
• The Blackstone Group turned down a request from regulators to disclose the performance of its buyout and hedge funds; Fortress, however, caved. [BN]
• Timothy Geithner says some financial institutions will still need a lot more government aid in the future. You're stunned by that, we're sure. [BN]

Fox News Channel's Greta Van Susteren would have been fine if she'd stopped her Sunday morning blog post after the first paragraph, which said she is not her husband. But she didn't. Of course.

New York Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. cancelled plans to cooperate with Mark Bowden's profile of him for Vanity Fair. Didn't matter: Bowden's piece is embarrassing enough as a write-around.

Deep down, past the creepy post-apocalyptic conservative rhetoric like "we surround them" and "you are not alone," who is Glenn Beck? "A rodeo clown," he told the New York Times. Or maybe worse.

The last year brought the Huffington Post record traffic, impressive election scoops and, oh yes, $25 million. So how about hiring some seasoned editors?