[Jennifer Aniston, lonely and miserable as ever, filming her movie 'The Baster' in New York; image via Splash]

Today we have a cheating Oscar winner, a short TV actor, another cheating award winner, a self-conscious actress, and a reality star with a (gasp!) sordid past.

You know, it's been more than a month since hateful NY Post cartoonist Sean Delonas drew an offensive (and uncreative!) cartoon. Maybe he's not so bad...wait, did he just mock a blind man, for blindness?

Since among Hollywood actors, getting treated for depression is far less stigmatizing than paralyzing your facial muscles with a load of botulinum toxin, perhaps they'll all stop lying about being "scared of needles" now that Botox is officially a mood enhancer. According to a study published in the Journal of Cosmetic Dermatology, people who have Botox, and therefore lose the ability to frown, report lower levels of depression, anxiety and irritability—the theory being that the actions of facial muscles directly influence brain activity. So presumably Janice Dickinson's rages and histrionics are just for the TV cameras, and she's a picture of serenity and composure in real life.

The first-ever "Unemployment Olympics" took place yesterday in Tompkins Square Park. So how'd that go? Given only about 20 contestants turned up, we're going to venture to guess it didn't go as planned. But those who did turn up were treated to events like Pin the Blame on the Boss, Office Phone Skee-Ball, Office Phone Pinata, and the "You're Fired!" race to the cardboard unemployment office. [Gothamist]

• Coach president Reed Krakoff has "quietly" placed his 30-foot-wide townhouse at 115 East 70th Street on the market for $52 million. Krakoff bought the home in 2006 for $17 million and completely renovated it following a fire in 2007. [NYO]
• Art dealer W. Graham Arader III has cut $10 million off the price of his 12,000-square-foot manse at 1016 Madison Avenue. It's now available for $65 million, making it the second most-expensive listing in the city behind Aby Rosen's townhouse on East 71st Street. [NYO, Sotheby's]
• Nicole Eddy and her husband paid $7.3 million for a penthouse at the Chelsea Modern on West 18th Street. [Cityfile]
• Bear Stearns' ex-COO Alvin Einbender has taken $4 million off the price of his four-bedroom apartment in the Police Building at 240 Centre Street. It's now listed for $26 million. [NYO, PDE]

Massachusetts securities regulators charged Walter Noel's Fairfield Greenwich Group with fraud this morning. The complaint isn't short on potentially incriminating detail. In one 2005 email, for example, Bernie Madoff informs a Fairfield exec that "the less you know about how we execute, and so on and so forth, the better you are." [NYT, WSJ]

Costco is planning to take up residence in Manhattan by the end of the year. The store will be part of East River Plaza, the 500,000-square-foot mall opening just off the FDR Drive, between 116th to 119th streets. Not quite close enough to permit penny-pinching Park Avenue wives to walk there, but gallon drums of mayonnaise will now be a much quicker (albeit slightly more expensive) cab ride away. [NYO]

MSNBC's Rachel Maddow is turning 36 today. A man Maddow probably isn't very fond of, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, is turning 59. Movie director Barry Sonnenfeld is 56. Actress/scenester Bijou Phillips is turning 29. Debbie Reynolds is 77. Actress Ali MacGraw is 71. Method Man is 38. And everyone's favorite sleazy porn king, Mr. Joe Francis, will get to celebrate his 36th birthday on of prison this year.

• It's been a bumpy stretch for the cast of the Real Housewives of NYC, hasn't it? In today's dose of bad news, it seems Ramona Singer's TV antics have made her "persona non grata" at her daughter's UES school (nor is she making any friends in Palm Beach); and it appears both Kelly Killoren Bensimon and Luann de Lesseps are now being forced to sell their Hamptons houses. [P6, Page2Live]
• Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel are expecting their first baby. [Insider]
• Whitney Port says she breaks down "a couple of times a week" due to the stress of reality TV fame. She also says she and Olivia Palermo "never hang out off-screen," which you could have probably guessed. [P6]
• It looks like Luke and Julie Janklow have reconciled. Following their breakup —and brief flings with Jessica Joffe and Scott Murphy—they appear to be back together, and were spotted kissing at Sweetiepie over the weekend. [P6]

Republicans had hoped they could steal Democratic Senator Kirsten Gillibrand's old upstate House seat and thus make the president fail a REFERENDUM on his policies. Instead the candidates ended election night 65 votes apart.

• The private sector lost 742,000 jobs during the month of March, substantially more than analysts had been predicting. [WSJ, CNN]
• President Obama has indicated that he believes a "quick, negotiated bankruptcy" will be the most likely path for General Motors. [BN]
• The not-so-optimistic employment figures and increased concern about the future of GM may lead to a rough day in the markets. [BN]
• Mark Carhart and Raymond Iwanowski of Goldman's Alpha hedge fund are retiring. Rumor now has it they may end up at KKR. [Clusterstock]
• A dozen criminal investigations into bailout fraud are now underway. [FT]
• Remember when Cerberus founder Steve Feinberg was "hailed as a hero" who "might save the American car industry"? So much for that idea. [NYT]
• UBS is closing its "art banking" department, not surprisingly. [AP]
• This is a particularly dangerous time to be a CEO, clearly. [NYP]

Everyone's for sale: Dennis Rodman's wife will do your show for a beauty school scholarship; Rihanna will do your show if Chris Brown grovels and Ashley Biden's friend will sell her out on spec.

This is not a good day for wealthy New Yorkers who smoke and who also happen to rely exclusively on taxis to get around town. Gov. David Paterson is proposing temporarily raising tax rates on the state's highest earners, part of a plan to fill in a $18 billion budget gap; the single largest federal tobacco tax increase ever goes into effect today, raising the price of a pack to $10 in some places; and now state lawmakers are weighing a 50-cent surcharge on cab rides to prevent the MTA from having to raise fares. Enjoy! [NYP, Newsday, WSJ]

Sure, he once briefly flipped out about rigged online voting, but Steve Wozniak's Dancing with the Stars stint will be remembered for the Apple cofounder's overflowing good humor, maintained through his inevitable defeat.

Insanely weepy Glenn Beck will probably cry over what it means for our country, but Stephen Colbert's thorough Tuesday-night takedown of the Fox News host is, in one way, a compliment.

Michael Krantz, a poet-reporter who chronicled the dotcom boom for Time, went native during the bubble years. After a stint at a psychic-hotline operator (don't ask), he joined Google in 2004. Today's his big day.

Al Franken won a key ruling from a three-judge panel in Minnesota, confining the election recount there to 400 absentee ballots and thus probably protecting Franken's 225-vote lead.

Craig Moon's retirement as USA Today's president was "largely unexpected within Gannett," the Wall Street Journal reports. Apparently Moon couldn't work for a paper that is having trouble giving away copies.

WNYW reporter Mike Sheehan hosts a segment dedicated to unlocking unsolved crimes. So maybe he explain this one: How did his car collide with a police horse in SoHo Monday if he wasn't drunk?