Yesterday we reported that the NYPD was booting the New York media out of One Police Plaza. Last night, commissioner Ray Kelly relented, telling papers they can have a filing center in the building.

[Model Agyness Deyn with a new man friend in the West Village yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

It's time for newspaper and magazine companies to start reporting how they did in the first quarter of this wondrous year, 2009, when The Lord smote them for their sins. It was epically terrible.

Today we have a sarcastic bodyguard, a TV star buying stolen goods, a downtown club—gasp!—staying open later than it's supposed to, and a soon-to-be-nasty divorce.

You know what the world desperately needs? Another hastily-written, bandwagon-jumping dating manual that details all the ways in which single women must lie, fake, manipulate, and tie themselves up in knots so that some guy might consent to be their boyfriend. So yay for Rachel Greenwald—a Harvard MBA, no less—who has scraped what we hope to God is the final layer from the bottom of this tragic genre's barrel with the imaginatively-titled Why He Didn't Call You Back. Go on, aren't you dying to hear?

We're looking for some extra help here at Cityfile. Perhaps you're looking for some extra work? We're currently seeking a couple of people to help with writing, research, and other assorted projects. It's a part-time gig and the pay is modest, but it's fun work. And it's better than watching soap operas all day and mourning the miserable state of the job market. Interested? Email us some background info and we'll be in touch.

Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams, but contrary to reports earlier this week, disgraced former Gov. Eliot Spitzer is not planning to run for office in 2010, or so says "a source familiar with Spitzer's thinking." This is most unfortunate news, since we were really looking forward to seeing Ashley Dupre make an appearance in a negative campaign ad, but we'll survive somehow. [NYDN]

• Dr. Lindsay Rosenwald appears to have given up on his seemingly hopeless quest to find someone willing to pay $90 million for his four-bedroom apartment at 15 CPW—for the time being, at least. The biotech venture capitalist, who paid $30 million for a duplex on the building's 18th and 19th floors last April and re-listed the spread for $90 million a few weeks later, is now renting out the apartment for $75,000 a month. [NYO]
• Attorney Bruce Kaye and his wife Deborah, who paid $7.8 million for a two-bedroom condo at 15 CPW less than a year ago, have put the 32nd-floor apartment on the market for $11.9 million. [Cityfile, MRP]
• Author Gary Shteyngart has put his one-bedroom apartment at 575 Grand Street on the market for $450,000. [Curbed, LoHo]

Yesterday, the Daily News reported that mega-developer Larry Silverstein has collected more than $21 million from the Port Authority since 2006 to "develop" the Freedom Tower—even though he no longer has any role in constructing the 1,776-foot tower. Today, an unrelated Wall Street Journal article fills us in on what he's been doing with the big gift from taxpayers: He's trading in his old yacht (above) and building himself a bigger, better one:

Seth Rogen turns 27 today. Actress Emma Thompson is 50. Jason Sehorn, the former NFL cornerback and husband of Angie Harmon, is 38. Olympic swimmer Dara Torres is turning 42. Songwriter Linda Perry is 44. Socialite Jamee Gregory turns 60. And Harry Potter star Emma Watson turns 19 today.

• Is Heidi Klum pregnant with her fourth kid? That appears to be the case, since sketches of a gown she's planning to wear in a future Project Runway episode have made "room for a bump." [MSNBC]
• Are you a disgraced sports star or politician? Congrats: You're getting a reality TV show! Rod Blagojevich has signed on to appear in NBC's I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here, assuming a judge lets him go to Costa Rica for the taping. Meanwhile, Michael Vick is reportedly in talks to create a reality show of his own, one that will document his attempts to "make amends for his past." Your turn, Spitzer! [THR, NYP, THR]
• Looks like Barbara Bush and boyfriend Jay Blount won't be tying the knot in Kennebunkport this summer after all. And here we were hoping for both a Bush and Clinton family wedding the same month. [People]
• Dina Lohan was spotted dropping Lindsay off outside a club in LA on Monday night. Because, clearly, that's what good mothers do. [OK!, TMZ]
• That big Michael Jackson memorabilia auction? It ain't happening. [Reuters]

• UBS is cutting another 7,500 jobs after posting a $1.8 billion quarterly loss and clients pulled more than $20 billion out of the firm. [BN, NYT]
• Andrew Cuomo strikes again: Carlyle Group is now under investigation by the attorney general and the SEC over whether it illegally paid third parties to secure $1.3 billion in investments from New York's pension fund. [BN]
• BlackRock plans to raise $5-$7 billion to scoop up toxic assets. [Reuters]
• Scandal du jour: Danny Pang, who heads up the $4 billion fund Private Equity Management Group, has a few questions to answer, it would seem. [WSJ]

What does an 'editorial' assistant do at Condé Nast? Fill in for fired receptionists.

Jamie Foxx regrets wishing chlamydia on Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears wishes she'd never met that creep from rehab at Subway. But Hulk Hogan doesn't have to regret "totally understand[ing]" OJ Simpson.

Sometimes it's much more firm to watch the Late Show host squirm and make half-hearted self-deprecating jokes than to watch him go on a hilarious tear against someone. (If you're impatient, skip about two minutes in.)

Woody Allen uses the word "tragic" four times in his front-page interview with the New York Observer. Also, "nihilistic," "dreadful," "sad," "malcontent" and "embarrassment." And that's before he gets going about the "appropriate police."

Mel Gibson has his own $42 million ultra-traditionalist Catholic church near Malibu. And the "other women" behind his divorce? Well, the tabloids are still sifting through at least four ladies on three continents.

Who is Lindsay Lohan turning to after her breakup with girlfriend Samantha Ronson? Patrick Aufdenkamp, her stylist pal, looks to be making his move.

When times are tough, bad bosses lash out. After John Soden III, a managing director at Thomas Weisel Partners in San Francisco, sent a hectoring email ordering employees into the office, his underlings struck back.

First they get their asses handed to them by dolphins and a child sniper, now the Somali pirates can't take a U.S. famine-aide ship, even with rocket-propelled grenades and machine guns. Evil+Fail=Pathetic.