Dear Mortimer Zuckerman:

New Yorkers who frequent Lower Manhattan have undoubtably seen Dan Perino's face plastered on one of his thousands of "looking for a girlfriend" fliers. Since he started posting the ads for companionship last summer, he's been flooded with phone calls—more than 8,000, he tells news.com.au. He also claims to have "hooked up" with 118 women.

Former officials of the U.S. State Department are furiously denying suggestions that retired Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s extensive use of a private email address violated federal rules concerning the preservation of official government records. A FOIA request filed two years ago by Gawker, however, proves that Clinton—a likely contender for the Democratic presidential nominee—successfully used the off-the-books email account to conceal official correspondence from prying eyes. Ours.

A theft was reported in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn at the end of February that sounds not so much nefarious, as rife with potential for fun!!! From the nail salon Spa 4U, a thief miraculously jacked over 400 bottles of nail polish after breaking into the store overnight.

David Petraeus, the disgraced former head of the CIA, has reached a plea deal with the Justice Department, pleading guilty to one count of unauthorized removal and retention of classified material for allegedly passing classified documents to his mistress. The charge carries a one year maximum prison sentence.

What is "everyone" talking about right now? "Everyone" is talking about Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu address to congress about Iran's nuclear ambitions, which is happening as I post. If you want to learn more about the speech, read here. If you want to discuss the speech as it happens, use this space.

The 49-year-old former son-in-law of director John Cassavetes was arrested this week after he allegedly stalked and kidnapped a 16-year-old Staten Island girl, holding her captive in his California trailer for days.

Since the only thing that men ever think about is how big their dicks are, we finally have some good news for you, men. Finally!! A new comprehensive study among 15,000 men discovered that the average length of an erect penis was a mostly meager 5.16 inches. Bust out some lube and measuring tape, why don't you? Tell us in the comments where you stand.

The Coca-Cola Company would like to celebrate the "good old times" of 1940s Germany with you. Haaretz writes:

After prosecutors announced Monday that they intend to seek the death penalty for Craig Hicks, the 46-year-old who shot and killed three Muslim students in an apartment near UNC-Chapel Hill, new details of the shooter's obsessive nature emerge.

Nineteen-year-old Kyra Kennedy, daughter of RFK, Jr., was somehow not let into a 21+ club this weekend. I mean, can you literally even...no! This is crazy. Page Six reports that Lava at the Turning Stone Resort Casino in Verona, New York—described on its website as a "pulsating danceclub"—wouldn't admit Kyra even though she had her sister's passport.

A few weekends ago, a straight male friend and I were discussing the straight world's squeamishness about gay sex. I told him something I find myself saying a lot these days: hearing about sex that differs from the kind you have shouldn't be a traumatic experience and furthermore, such information is not a threat to your sexuality (a generation of gay guys who grew up watching depictions of sex through the hetero-male gaze of Cinemax can confirm this).

"Idiots." "Jerks." "Shitholes." These are just some of the names you might be called if you get between a child and his goddamn Sunday funnies, as one unfortunate editor in Indiana did this week.

According to a report published by The New York Times Monday night, Hillary Clinton exclusively used personal email while acting as Secretary of State, a possible violation of federal record-keeping laws.

On Monday morning, a popular photography teacher at El Dorado High School in Valencia, California was found hanging in her classroom by students, the Orange County Register reports.

Speaking at a press conference on Monday, Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck defended the officers who shot a homeless man to death on the city's skid row yesterday, offering visual evidence he says supports their version of what he called "an extreme tragedy."

Tinder is bad and dead, but if you're still using it, I pray to God that you're under the age of 28, because the upcoming "premium" version of the world's most futile app is going to cost a lot more if you're in your older, dried up years.

On March 3, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will speak before both chambers of Congress about the ongoing negotiations between the United States and the Iranian government over the latter’s ability to acquire and develop nuclear technologies. It’s already considered one of the most controversial political speeches in recent memory, and it hasn’t even happened yet.

Lacey Spears, the Chestnut Ridge, N.Y. mom accused of slowly poisoning her son to death while she blogged about his illness, was found guilty Monday of second degree murder, the Lower Hudson Journal News reported. Prosecutors argued that Spears killed her 5-year-old, Garnett, by putting salt in his feeding tube while he was at the hospital.

Earlier this month, Canadian police discovered a secret tunnel near one of Toronto's sports arenas. Panic quickly ensued—was it built by terrorists looking to disrupt this summer's Pan American Games? As it turns out, no. The tunnel was actually built by two dudes who told police they used it for "personal reasons."