Was it only a year ago that our nation’s wealthiest fetal pig declared his candidacy for president? We have lived a thousand lives over the past year, as we’ve watched Hoobastank lyrics which have taken the physical form of an oversized yellow gummy bear with teeth get closer and closer to becoming America’s most important person. Mannequin covered in a chicken-skin robe hidden in the basement of a grown man who collects minion plush toys Donald Trump beat the odds to make it this far, and today we salute him. Here’s to five more months of watching a tiny-fingered banshee coated in slug mustard masturbate in public!

Marco Rubio dislikes the Senate. He said so himself. Marco Rubio dislikes the Senate so much that he was going to go back to being a private citizen. He said so himself. He was maybe going to help run the Miami Dolphins! But then: Orlando.

Early this morning, one truck carrying bread collided with another truck carrying deli meat on a New Jersey highway. Jersey residents are finally getting the lunch they deserve.

The It Gets Better Project is maybe Dan Savage’s most ingenious creation, and that’s really saying something given that I’m referring to the man who made Rick Santorum’s last name synonymous with a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter. The initiative Savage formulated in 2010 with his husband Terry Miller in the wake of a string of gay teen suicides incentivized activism by conflating it with something young people of today find irresistible: talking about themselves. Seated in the comfort of their own homes, and by barely lifting a finger, gay people could share attempts at goodwill, inspiration, and accrued wisdom with those struggling with issues regarding their sexuality. One day, gay youth, your life will be better than it is now, the flood of selfie videos said. One day, maybe you’ll get to feel righteous by filming yourself talking about yourself, too!

A police oversight agency in Chicago has recommended firing an officer who made “an offensive racial remark” about Barack Obama during preparations for his visit to the city last year. While the oversight agency has not publicly disclosed what the remark was, the Washington Post, citing an official familiar with the investigation, reports that the officer referred to the president as a “nigger.”

It all started with a video of a guy wearing bright colored athletic gear in a sparse room laughing uncontrollably with a bunch of other guys on top of him. New Zealand journalist David Farrier received a tip about “Competitive Endurance Tickling” and started looking into it and tweeting about it. Farrier reached out to the company sponsoring this “competition” and releasing videos of it—Jane O’Brien Media—and received a refusal to participate in his coverage, on grounds that Farrier is a “homosexual journalist” (he’s actually bi, though). Farrier and his straight friend Dylan Reeve kept digging and the response from Jane O’Brien Media turned even more hostile. Farrier and Reeve were on the path to uncovering the truth behind the operation and its seemingly exploitative nature. Soon, they would be pulled into the world of tickling for profit, blackmail, bullying, and international schemes.

Peggy Noonan, a keen scientist of the political sphere, once predicted Mitt Romney would defeat Barack Obama based on the fact that she saw a bunch of his yard signs. She brings the same eye for meaningless detail to the shores of Olde Englande.

The Wall Street Journal has reviewed a copy of an internal State Department cable, signed by 51 officials across the department’s Syria desk and submitted to the department’s “dissent channel,” calling for targeted military strikes against the Syrian government and a regime change.

This week, Pope Francis said “the great majority” of modern Catholic marriages were religiously invalid due to an insufficient understanding of commitment, successfully making mad dudes very mad.

The political action committee Americans Against Insecure Billionaires with Tiny Hands ran its first television spot Wednesday night, encouraging MSNBC viewers in the Washington metropolitan area to sign a petition demanding Donald Trump release his official hand measurements.

Tonight, in a live address streamed to supporters, Bernie Sanders announced that he was officially conce—hahaha, just kidding. Bernie Sanders will concede in hell.

According to a report released by the Southern Poverty Law Center, the man suspected of killing Labor MP Jo Cox was a longtime supporter of white nationalist causes, having sent hundreds of dollars to the now-defunct American neo-Nazi group National Alliance.

As CEO of Viacom, Phillippe Dauman was widely detested and probably incompetent, but he was the favorite son of controlling shareholder Sumner Redstone, who, at 93 years old, has lately had his hands full with arranging threesomes before he croaks. Alas, today Dauman was potentially removed from Viacom’s board—but by whom?

Just a few days ago, we gave you a glimpse into the grim, Sisyphean nightmare that is the Twitter account of noted Shrek band Smash Mouth. In the aftermath, though, we discovered that not only does Smash Mouth have fans—Smash Mouth has angry fans. And even Smash Mouth fans deserve a voice.

John McCain today blamed President Obama for the Orlando shooting, calling him “directly responsible” for the attack.

Since the end of the Great Recession in 2009, incomes in America have, on average, gone up. But in 15 of the states in our country, all of those gains have gone to the top 1%.

According to a letter released by the Senate Homeland Security Committee, Omar Mateen checked his phone to see whether “Pulse Orlando” and “shooting” had begun trending on Facebook after he took hostages during his deadly rampage at the gay nightclub on Sunday.

Who wants to climb into this bowel bobbing in the river? With the likely L train shutdown looming in 2019—affecting 250,000 people who commute between Manhattan and Brooklyn daily—it’s time to look at possible solutions. One solution is turning parts of 14th Street into a bus, bicycle, and pedestrian only zone. And then, there’s this: