The authorities tried to help kids drink responsibly by putting the exact alcohol content right there on the bottle, but—to their dismay—kids just use this valuable information to get more fucked up:

• The New York Times is now thinking of charging consumers for access to its web site, although doing so would be "tricky," says Bill Keller. Indeed. [NYT]
• There are some signs of further trouble at Forbes. [NYP]
• Martha Stewart is going to see if she can charge for online videos. [WWD]
• Advertisers are looking to channel recession-related outrage. [NYT]
• NBC has renewed Last Call with Carson Daly. Unfortunately. [THR]
• Did David Geffen really consider taking a stake in the Times? [NYP]
• Jay Leno's last guest on The Tonight Show: Conan O'Brien. [NYDN]
• Suze Orman is having her "moment," in case you weren't aware. [NYT]
• Is the Jon & Kate drama good news or bad news for TLC? [TDB]
• Brian Williams is still a Jersey boy, or so it would seem. [The Awl]

Craiglist has kicked the prossies from its pages. So where's a working girl or man to go to hawk themselves off on the cheap? Oh, I have an idea: journalismjobs.com and the Hamptons.

Last night was Part Two of The War of the Grosses, alternately titled the Real Housewives of New York City reunion special. It was: ladies yelling in an echoing room while a gay dude sighed.

Tamir Sapir certainly isn't the first Russian billionaire to be accused of having bad taste, but he might be the first one who has landed in court thanks to his fondness for over-the-top decorations. The real estate tycoon—and former New York City cabbie!—signed a guilty plea in connection an attempt to import 29 items that violated of the Endangered Species Act, including seven carved elephant tusks, a zebra-skin-lined children's bed, and a fully stuffed and mounted lion, pieces he planned to use to decorate his Versace-drenched yacht. He's since agreed to pay $150,000 in fines, but there is some good news to come out of this sad tale of animal exploitation/bad taste. In comparison to his father, we're thinking son Alex Sapir's Maybach—or "rolling office," as he likes to call it—is downright classy! [Luxist, NYP, NYDN]

Here's Burger King ad wizard Alex Bogusky's idea for "Rebranding America" which, honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about yet. Is it great? Please advise. There is another one that is, unequivocally, gross:

Ted Nugent, who was once famous for something but is now just a redneck curmudgeon. But in someways, he has a lot in common with Mike Tyson, the boxing great and knockout curmudgeon.

As soon as you're done not reading Judith Warner's stink piece on the Presidential torso, don't go read Ryan Adam's new book Hello Sunshine, now on pre-order, which comes with a signed bonus chapbook.

The Way We Live Now: Sick of it all. You work and work to stay positive and then one day you come across some superrich asshole whose yacht's decorated in endangered animal skins. Screw it.

As we suspected, house arrest isn't all that bad for Marc Dreier, the disgraced lawyer who pleaded guilty earlier this week to conspiracy, securities fraud, money laundering and wire fraud. The judge in the case permitted him to return to his apartment pending sentencing, and it's a very comfy place, that's for sure. He's not lacking for food either. It seems he's been ordering miniburgers from Le Cirque's new recession-friendly bar menu, located on the ground floor of his building. A sensible way to begin transitioning from Le Cirque's regular menu to a lifetime of prison food, clearly. [Page Six]

In 1946, Truman Capote was assigned a story about his hometown, New Orleans, by Harper's Bazaar. Then, like now, Hearst Magazines were cheap bastards.

May 14 @ 1030pm At Morton Williams talking on his phone while his ladyfriend went through check out. Grizz and Dot Com nowhere to be seen.[Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com]

Judith Warner reveals how the Obamas are making Washington cool—and hot—again! People even have dreams about Barack, apparently. Hope she takes on Michelle Obama's aura of competence—and hotness—next! [NYT]

Michael Gross' hotly anticipated tome about the Metropolitan Museum, Rogues' Gallery, arrived in bookstores last week. An account of the museum's "history of curatorial excellence, social climbing, and skullduggery," the book is full of salacious detail about some of the most prominent members of the New York society. But you won't hear much about the book's juiciest bits in the mainstream media coverage. Could it have something to do with the fact that Gross delves into the murky past of Oscar and Annette de la Renta, a couple at the very top of the social pyramid?

So far the possible financial saviors of the New York Times are a shady Mexican billionaire, a shady Hollywood billionaire, and a plan to give free t-shirts to anyone who donates. Anyone see a problem?

A bunch of kids took tests to succeed in life. These tests were lost and now the parents of those kids are very angry because, as their progeny might say, "a risible misprision" has occurred.

News from Cannes and from Mickey Rourke. A strange movie gets strange casting, terrible TV shows are picked up, and New York will collapse on October 16th.

Justin Timberlake following his bodyguard out of a building downtown ... Gisele Bundchen walking to her West Village apartment in the rain ... Mary-Kate Olsen grabbing coffee downtown with Nate Lowman ... Jennifer Aniston sitting down on the set of The Baster in Central Park ... Tom Hanks getting out of an SUV ... Kirsten Dunst hailing a cab in the West Village ... Whitney Port having lunch downtown ... Madonna walking behind Jesus Luz ... Jennifer Hudson waving to fans outside the Today show ... and Jewel carrying her dog in Midtown.

Sad lifejoke Lindsay Lohan was once, you may remember, a working actress. She starred in films such as The Parent Trap and the one about the schizophrenic peg-legged stripper. Those days might be back.

America's new revolutionary leaders are Shredded Wheat, Kodak, and Miller High Life. They're really angry about this messed up world, just like you! Hey hey, ho ho, overpriced inkjet printers have got to go!