Misunderstood Times columnist Maureen Dowd got in trouble for not rewriting something her friend emailed her from a blog, so today's column is something only MoDo could've written.

I sincerely hope you watched the premiere of Glee last night. Fox's new funny/sad series about a high school glee club was spunky, precocious, and sincere—normally things that are annoying. And yet, somehow on this show, they aren't at all.

A notice to dog owners who still refuse to pick up after their pets: Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe announced yesterday that the city is raising the fine for people who refuse to comply with the city's pooper-scooper law from $100 to $250. The fine doesn't take effect until June and Benepe says the move is merely intended to "change the culture of litter in our parks." Also? Dog poo may now be the city's secret weapon in tackling the budget deficit. [NYDN]

Heir to the NYT throne and lowly metro reporter A.G. Sulzberger heard someone say: "This is the Cage. You have to seriously be a baller to come here." A.G. Sulzberger is one such baller!

Today we have some bad news about Footloose, some good news about The Fighter, and some unexpected surprises from old friends.

Conde Nast sunk $100 million into Portfolio before it folded last month. Why let all that brand value go to waste? Why not move the whole operation down South, for maximum fall-from-grace effect [UPDATED below]?

Mayor-for-life Mike "Bitches Ain't Shit" Bloomberg has all the money in the world, and he is going to spend it to beat his mayoral opponent, The Great Gazoo, a Martian Democrat only Bloomberg can see.

Damon Dash pushing a stroller in Tribeca with a friend ... Naomi Watts carrying her son on her shoulders in Soho ... Jimmy Kimmel leaving the Trump International on Central Park West ... Hugh Jackman picking up after his dog in the West Village ... Ryan Gosling shooting scenes for his new movie in Brooklyn ... Pete Wentz pushing son Bronx around Midtown in a stroller ... Jamie Kennedy and Jennifer Love Hewitt taking pictures of themselves while walking in Soho ... Conan O'Brien chasing a taxi down Park Avenue for an NBC skit ... Michelle Williams carrying daughter Matilda in Brooklyn ... and Rihanna bowling at Lucky Strike.

[Whitney Port, from "The City", throws the first pitch at a Dodgers game last night; image via INF]

Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, the surviving teenage Somali pirate, was back in court yesterday, making the best of his unplanned NYC visit. So far his main contribution has been to stimulate New York Post headline writers:

Today we have a rockstar with fucked up eyeballs, our drugged out actress from yesterday who is also hooking for powder, and an actor jealous of his successful wife.

The Robert F. Kennedy Center for Justice & Human Rights is holding a celebrity auction to raise money for the non-profit organization. And they've lined up an impressive collection of items. Any interest in paying a visit to the set of Larry King's show in LA? Not only will you get a chance to make small talk with the 114-year-old host, he'll also take off his suspenders, sign them, and let you take them home with you. Act fast, though. The bidding is up to $1,500. If that doesn't tickle your fancy, perhaps you'd like to "enjoy" (their words, not ours) a 20-minute phone chat with Suze Orman? Do note, though, that you'll need to bid a minimum of $1,000.

• Doug Griebel, co-founder and president of the Rosa Mexicano restaurant chain, paid $1.9 million for a 23rd-floor apartment at The Bromley on West 83rd Street. [Cityfile]
• Marc Juris, executive vice president and general manager of truTV (formerly CourtTV) paid $2.8 million for a three-bedroom condo at 133 West 22nd Street. [Cityfile]
• Artist Cosimo Cavallaro has lowered the price of his apartment/gallery at 20 South 4th Street in Williamsburg for the fourth time since listing it for $12.8 million one year ago. It's now listed for $5.95 million. [NYO, Stribling]
• Former Yankee Bobby Abreu has dropped the price of his apartment as well. The Angels outfielder's 37th-floor condo at One Beacon Court, which he put on the market for $7.9 million earlier this month, is now $6.9 million. [NYO, PDE]

We understand that newspapers are having a really tough time right now. But is the solution offering the public free weight loss tips? The Daily News "diet "hotline" launched this week. Call 212-210-2044 between the hours of 9am and 5pm and you'll be connected to the paper's "talented team of nutrition and fitness experts" who are "dishing out free advice on exercising safely and eating right." The paper reports that they've fielded 659 calls since the service started the service on Monday. Hey, at least it's better than bingo. [NYDN]

Governor David Paterson turns 55 today. Cher is 63. Newsweek editor Jon Meacham is turning 40. NBC chief legal correspondent Dan Abrams is turning 43. Busta Rhymes is 37. The Food Network's Ted Allen is 44. Interior designer Stephen Sills turns 58. Joe Cocker is 65. Ron Reagan, the son of Ronald and Nancy Reagan, is 51. Former Yankee David Wells turns 46. And Cindy McCain is turning 55 today.

• Paris Hilton's reps have been asking event planners in Cannes for $100,000 appearance fees. Sadly, Paris isn't having much luck getting them to go along since, well, "it's not 2002." [P6]
• Sarah Jessica Parker says she's worried about the health of the surrogate mom carrying her twins, since tabloid reporters have been harassing the poor girl and trying to hack into her computer. [People, LAT]
• A documentary about Amy Winehouse is reportedly in the works. Should be entertaining! [People]
• Katie Holmes showed up with Suri at last night's American Idol finale. This is good news since it means Tom finally let her out of the house. [Us]

Anna Wintour told Oprah that she needed to drop at least twenty pounds to be featured on the cover of Vogue and Chase Crawford is set to star in the remake of Footloose.

• Bank of America raised another $13.47 billion last night. [Reuters]
• How are banks making money these days? They're taking out life-insurance policies on their workers, with themselves listed as beneficiaries. [WSJ]
• The Obama administration may strip the SEC of some of its powers. [BN]

Newt Gingrich was on the Daily Show last night promoting a book he wrote with his daughter, 5 Principles for a Successful Life, where he essentially called on Nancy Pelosi to resign as House Speaker.

Gawker's old pal Jimmy Kimmel had what the Times' Dave Itzkoff termed as a "'Jerry Maguire'-like moment" while delivering an address to potential advertisers at ABC's upfront presentation on Tuesday, and it was simply awesome.