Woozy 80s icon Peggy Noonan is, despite all rational reasoning, a professional political expert, paid real American money to deliver her thoughts on the public affairs issues of the day. Is Peggy Noonan a psychic psychologist super-detective? Maybe...

We've all been there. Where is there? The donut shop. What are we doing? Trying to find a good donut to munch. But, oh no—what if your shop is all out of Boston Cremes (the unanimous best donut of all the varieties)? You can be like this mom and forget your baby at the store to go find the right one.

Police have arrested 16-year-old Aniah Ferguson in connection with a gruesome fight that broke out in a Brooklyn McDonald's Wednesday. In cell phone video that quickly made its way around Facebook, one teen can be seen being battered by a group as a crowd of bystanders scream.

President Obama spoke out against the police shooting last night in Ferguson and read some Meh Tweets about himself in an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live Thursday.

A man currently on trial for defrauding Facebook apparently planned his escape for months, talking a judge into unfreezing some of his assets before cutting off his ankle GPS bracelet and escaping into the great unknown (upstate New York.)

Buoyed down by oils and weed odors, Kathy Griffin finally shrugged free the professional-association shackles of E!'s Fashion Police this week, calling the television show about pretty dresses "[intolerant] towards difference."

And so ends the televised saga of a brave woman who wasn't afraid to stand up and say to the world, Hey fuck this quarantine—mama's getting takeout.

Great news if you're an aspiring teen jihadist: ISIS has reportedly accepted Nigerian terror group Boko Haram's pledge of allegiance. ISIS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnani announced the deal on Thursday in a speech distributed across social media, according to the SITE Intelligence Group.

Bizarre creatures! Big galaxies! Color theory! Poison resistance! Mystery craters! Space experiments! Moon water! And a little "toke" of knowledge! It's your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—deja vu-ti-fully!

A sour and slightly nutty cloud of uncertainty has descended on Akron, Ohio, after 19 incidents of public pooping over three years were potentially linked to the same single shitter. And those are just the documented cases—an Akron police officer told local NBC outlet WKYC he estimated at least 100 more.

We recently received the following anonymous tip: “You guys need to write about John Kerry’s facelift. Seriously, no one has made one single mention about it. If he were a woman, it would be all over the news. The guy is a major creepy douchebag, I have a creepy story about him from 1995. But first, please out this douche and let everyone know that he got a face lift!!”

The two allegedly drunk Secret Service agents who reportedly crashed their car into a White House barrier last week interfered with an active bomb investigation and, in their alleged drunken stupor, may have driven over the suspected bomb, according to a report in the Washington Post.

You look like you love sports. Would you ever fuck up a historical monument in order to prove to the world how much you really loved sport(s)? Would you rather go to a museum to prove that you love sports—and art—thereby killing two birds with one stone? I like where your head is at.

A SWAT team surrounded Lil Wayne's Miami Beach mansion yesterday after a 911 caller claimed to have shot four people there. The call turned out to be a swatting hoax, a fake report of a crime too serious for law enforcement to ignore, even if they know it's likely fake. And in this case, there's a good chance the operator knew.

As an American who is fortunate enough to have ready access to the finest yogurt from around the world, a sense of revulsion at watery, inferior European yogurt brands is nothing new. But now we know that these inferior yogurt brands are actual criminals.

Sir Terry Pratchett, author of more than 70 novels, including 40 in his satirical fantasy series Discworld, died at his home Thursday. Pratchett was 66. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2007, and continued to write as he struggled with the onset of dementia.

A woman on a whale-watching cruise in Mexico died after one of the majestic sea creatures she'd traveled to see leapt from the water and landed on her boat.

The average monthly rent for a studio apartment in Manhattan has reached $2,350, the highest on record—"incomes aren't rising as fast as Manhattan rents, leading tenants to seek affordability by finding smaller spaces."

Christopher Hitchens, the late essayist and sot, was a man who purposefully cultivated a lot of friends of a certain type—rich, self-important, generally dim-witted and hence easy for a well-spoken Oxbridge debater to impress—and he electrified Washington D.C. society mainly by not being a completely charmless bore. Now those friends are the primary caretakers of his legacy, and, if the newly announced "Hitchens Prize" is any indication, they are going to memorialize him in the least Hitch-like ways possible.

Community colleges are the most democratic forms of higher education, and, you could argue, the most important. Don't tell that to the state of Arizona.