Few young creative writers in our world write so curiously and honestly out of our varied black American literary tradition as Andrew Elias Colarusso. The biracial son of an Afro-Puerto Rican mother and an Italian American father; Andrew writes, "Because I did and do have a loving relationship with my (white) biological father I cannot dismiss the whiteness he has come to represent without dismissing a part of who I am."

Try as he might, 44-year-old Kevin Fant couldn't get off. The former transit officer was sentenced to two months in jail this week, punishment for masturbating in a Philadelphia subway car while off-duty last year.

At least eight people are dead after Cyclone Pam struck the Pacific Island nation of Vanuatu on Saturday, The Guardian reports. The death toll is expected to rise significantly.

Russian president Vladimir Putin, who has not been seen in public since March 5 and is feared in some panicky circles to have died or worse, has the flu, a CIA source tells Gawker. Or at least that's what the CIA thinks.

According to governmental officials, "about 50 people" are believed to have died after a crowded ferry capsized off the western coast of Myanmar Friday night. AFP News reports that the bodies of four men and 29 women have been recovered so far, with at least 12 people still missing.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for more than a week, The New York Times reports. Is he sick? Is he dead? Is he in Switzerland with his pregnant Olympic gymnast mistress for the birth of his third, unconfirmed child? Certainly not. (But maybe!)

The two Wisconsin tween girls accused of stabbing a friend 19 times and leaving her in a park—because they believed doing so would protect their families from the mythical internet horror known as Slender Man—will be tried as adults for first-degree attempted homicide, a judge ruled Friday.

After its University of Oklahoma chapter got kicked off campus for singing a racist song, Sigma Alpha Epsilon would very much like you to believe that there is no racism engrained in the organization itself. That probably explains why SAE would no longer like to happily inform you that nearly all of its original members fought to defend slavery in the Civil War.

Something—the sneaky finger of Jesus, perhaps—seems to have taken down the web page where His Holiness Pastor Creflo A. Dollar was asking followers to give him $65 million to buy a new private jet.

Rejoice, peen-having members of this Earth: Doctors from University of Stellenbosch in South Africa successfully completed the world's first purported penis transplant—the patient has made a full recovery and "is sexually active."

Lil Wayne really can't catch a break this week. On top of his ongoing battle with Cash Money Records over the release of his next album, he's apparently been the victim of a persistent troll: someone falsely reported a mass shooting at his home and booked him an unwanted appointment with a prostitute. At times like these, at least he can still get on stage and everything'll be alright for an hour or so.

This winter my family gathered at a rental compound in Yucca Valley, beside the immensity of Joshua Tree National Park, which none of us had ever seen. We were just an American family, trying to enjoy the outdoors, or something like that. On Christmas Eve, amid the clinking of wine glasses and crinkle of wrapping paper and the roar of a fireplace—longing in my case to spend some time outside, a place I'd spent more time when I was younger and not married or a father and lived in the desert, rather than in Los Angeles, where I made a home now—I found myself perusing the rental's bookshelves when I found a title that had once meant a lot to me.

"Now, to put it in basic terms: Lowe's strongly opposes unions in our company." This is true!

Just days after two members of Oklahoma University's defunct SAE chapter were expelled from the school, the fraternity is lawyering up: "They should not be tarred and feathered as racists," their attorney says. Good luck to this guy.

The New York Times published a startling article this morning about one of the great underreported issues of our times: the wet wipe epidemic slowly but surely destroying New York City's sewer system. The butt wipes have reportedly caused millions in damages, and workers have been forced to physically remove the shit-stained ghosts of the unprocessed sanitary products from the sides of pipes and screening machines.

A Florida pilot out for a jaunt in his private two-seater yesterday took an unusual path from Kissimee toward Florida's western coast, dipping south toward Lakeland, and then suddenly heading due Nort—he drew a big dick in the sky, okay? That's what I'm getting at. His flight path was 20 miles of penis and testes. He was the captain, welcoming himself aboard the nonstop to donger city.

A Rosemeade, Ca. man lost out on $1 million last night after the deadline passed for him to claim his cash from the state. Fucking idiot lost his winning ticket.

Racism and general human toxicity have become more than a niche on Reddit: the site has made a name for itself in the larger cyber-bigot community. Racists now look at Reddit as an opportunity—a way to bring fresh hatemongers into the fold.

Three members of a Michigan family have been indicted for allegedly extorting a retired software executive to the tune of nearly $3 million over four years. Prosecutors say the man at the center of the conspiracy was threatening to reveal that his stripper daughter and her teenage cousin had been involved in a paid threesome with the millionaire victim.

Mark Jordan, a 54-year-old Texas man, has broken the world record for pullups—4,321 in 24 hours. Ladies?