Coroner-to-the-stars Michael Baden says David Carradine's death was not a suicide, and was caused by asphyxiation. You don't say?

WWD has a long piece today on Michael Wolff, the Vanity Fair columnist who has had a rough few months ever since we first reported that he was carrying on an affair with a former Vanity Fair intern named Victoria Floethe. If you've been wondering what Wolff has been doing since he disgraced himself so fully (or you're interested in seeing a photo of where he's currently living), you should enjoy.

The Washington Post sent a flier to DC corporate lobbyists and other scum offering them an exclusive, schmoozy dinner with political officials and Post reporters for only $25,000. Now they're disavowing it! Come now. They were just too honest.

During the McCain campaign, Roveian media strategist Steve Schmidt proved that he was a shitty Roveian media strategist. He was also responsible for the Palin pick. But he quickly grew to regret that.

Actresses make a lot of money. As do movie studios who adapt video games into terrible movies. A great actor died, a promising actress takes wing, and new reality shows make us want to do terrorism.

Big news from David Patrick Columbia today: The society chronicler and proprietor of New York Social Diary reports that he's now using Facebook and Twitter! "Twitter. I couldn't think of what to write. I'm a person who is rarely without a thought or consideration in his head, no matter where I am, no matter where I go. Yet with that little dumb distraction of a cell phone screen before me, I couldn't think of a damned thing to Twitter. Or Tweet." So what did he come up with? "Having Skippy's creamy peanut butter on an English muffin." This is going to be big. So please follow him here and please do it now. [NYSD]

The White House released a list of all its staffers and their salaries, including the director of African American media, who makes $13,000 per year more than the director of Hispanic media. What would Sonia Sotomayor say?

No, argues one columnist who's not afraid to tell it like it is:

That was quick! Federal agents turned up at 133 East 64th Street just after noon today with a court order to seize the penthouse apartment belonging to Ruth and Bernie Madoff. "We've taken custody," a spokesman for the US Marshalls tells the Post. Taken custody? Does that mean a battering ram and tear gas were used? Not quite. Unfortunately, Ruth was not ushered out into the street in her bathrobe and forced to shuffle off into the distance in her slippers. She left sometime between last Friday—when she agreed to give up the apartment as part of a deal with the U.S. Atttorney's office—and today, and her lawyer points out that she "left voluntarily and in an orderly manner." And where is she now? An "undisclosed location." If you happen to spot her in your neighborhood, let us know. Your info might just earn you some serious cash. [NYP]

There is good economic news to report, after all! But only if you work at Goldman Sachs (and maybe Morgan Stanley): "Based on analysts' earnings forecasts for 2009, Goldman Sachs Group Inc. is on track to pay out as much as $20 billion this year, or about $700,000 per employee. That would be nearly double the firm's $363,000 average last year, and slightly higher than the $661,000 for the average Goldman employee in fiscal 2007." Now we just have to hope every Goldman employee blows his or her bonus buying a new apartment and the real estate market will be booming again in no time. [WSJ]

"The scandalous elements of a man having an affair seem to escape me." That is Michael Wolff, talking about himself. We think some of the aggregated headlines over at his news website Sploid Newser might help enlighten him!

Most magazine editors spend their days discussing story ideas with writers and editors, reviewing copy, and deciding what pieces will appear in upcoming issues. Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter? He does that, too, but the part-time restaurateur also carves out a chunk of time every day to tend to the "daily process of populating the dining room" at Monkey Bar, a "choreography" he performs in conjunction with an associate editor at the magazine. (So, yes, while Condé Nast is currently laying off staffers, it's also pays one to manage the seating chart for Carter's little side project.) So how does Carter go about performing this pleasureless ("I'm like the guy with the sandbags") and clearly unhealthy task, one that's especially challenging since so many people want a reservation, the restaurant has been reduced to only accepting table requests by email?

We knew there was a reason we're leaving the neighborhood. Sarah Jessica Parker and her mighty steed Matthew Broderick might be movin' on over to Park Slope. The New York Post thinks they've found the family's apartment.

Was puking pug dog owner Chrissie Brodigan roughed up by the NYPD simply for tending to her dog, and its throwup? The most powerful cop in New York is now involved in the case. Read between the lines, people.

CNN: Bennett: Sanford needs to stop 'embarrassing himself.'" And if there's anyone who should know about embarrassing yourself, it's Bill Bennett! So it's just a little weird that CNN doesn't mention Bill's own experiences with public embarrassment.

[Kelly Osbourne and her fiance Luke Worrall leaving a restaurant in London last night; image via Bauer-Griffin]

We've added New Orleans and Miami to our Great American News City poll. Re-vote now!

The real estate market still sucks, in case you haven't noticed. According to reports issued by a handful of the city's biggest brokerages today, home sales were off 50 percent during the second quarter compared to same time period last year, and prices took a beating as well, naturally: The average sales price of a Manhattan apartment is now $1.31 million, according to Prudential Douglas Elliman, down 21 percent from a year ago. And today's report on unemployment courtesy of the U.S. Labor Department won't do much to lift your spirits. The jobless rate rose to 9.5 percent in June as the U.S. economy shed another 467,000 jobs. So is there anything good to report to offset all the bad news? We can't think of much, but we'll let you know if we come up with something. [Real Deal, NYT]

Today we have a lady who ruined her hair with extensions, a comedy actor whose drug habit is taking a toll on his film work, and a nice actor couple who are facing cheatin' issues.

The New York Blade, one of NYC's only major gay papers, is shutting down. Its entire staff has been let go. But there's still some far-fetched, theoretical hope.