Since Michael Jackson died you've probably lost sleep wondering, "I wonder what he'd have looked if he hadn't f-ed himself all up with plastic surgery?" Well now, thanks to the work of some forensic artists, you can know.

Recently the Washington Post has taken a beating for attempting to sell access to its newsroom via fancy, elistist "salons." The New York Times has been positively giddy over it. Now the Post's ombudsman has spoken.

If you've wondered whether John McCain, in light of recent events, has felt a heightened sense of shame for choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate, we have an answer: No! Further, she may have quit because of thinning hair.

Publishers release "advance reader copies" or "galleys" of books for the New York Literary Elite to have before the masses and Oprah ruin them for you. Being spotted with some merits certain kinds of "status"...that we're about to ruin.

Get out your Nikes and Kool-Aid, and drink up: Phyllis Nefler's serving a tall, cool glass of a special weirdo religion version of the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday NYT. Also, successful matchup by Samuel L. Jackson!

Ah, Modern Love: the New York Times' intellectualizing of chemicals that float between us. Many are awful, some are wonderful, and most are uncomfortable. Today's no different, as they answer an..age-old..question: are old people fucking?

Remember Audra Shay, the crazy, illiterate 38 year-old who LOL'd a racist joke on her Facebook profile and unfriended anybody critical of her? Well, she's was elected the fearless leader of the Young Republicans yesterday! [Indianapolis Star]

"I suddenly felt deep empathy with the late Princess of Wales, for the hundredth time. Here I was at my crowning moment, my coronation as queen of cafè society, and I understood her deep loneliness amid the glory. But like Diana, there were sinister forces amassing against me, unwashed masses at their PCs, sans-culottes preparing their digital tumbrils and had never considered the deep fascination of Bianca Jagger. (Did I say Diana? I meant Marie Antoinette as well. Watching Bernard-Henri Levy scarf a hot dog was a transcendent pop hi-low culture moment, the zeitgeist in action.) Where was I? Oh yes- little could I know that Robert's arrangements would become fleurs de mal, and this glorious temps would soon be perdu."

Why charge for reporting when you can just beg readers for the cash to do it? One news outlet's already taking the progressive step of doing so.

Are the young Harry Potter actors not the best? They are, because they're not ridiculous celebrity assholes, instead choosing acting in Broadway shows, going to Ivy League schools, and throwing down the charm offensive on young 12-year-old reporters. Seriously:

An unidentified man who burst into a Kansas VA medical center with a gun surrendered after trading his ammunition for a pack of cigarettes. His motives are still unclear. Nobody was injured. [USA Today]

We should've seen this coming: conservative blog Free Republic fired hate speech off at Malia Obama after this photo of her appeared, letting their commenters go to town. But the journalist who reported this as news isn't innocent, either.

Something incredible happened. The New York Times' ombudsman opened the lid on the Illuminati-esque processes behind a personal passion, the Sunday Styles' Weddings and Celebrations. Tell us: is there only upper-crust elitism at their core? And did he mention us?!

Uh oh. Vandalism where The Other Half lives has gone wild, now that an obscure, strange, alien symbol has been incinerated into a lay of grass in the Hamptons! Prey tell, what it is?! Or who?

When Tina Brown used to be faaaaaahbulous, she had legendary party planner Robert Isabell plan her parties for her unsuccessful magazine(s). Isabell died earlier this week, but that didn't stop Brown from eulogizing...the ragers he threw for her.

Brad and Angelina want to move to the Upper West Side, I'd prefer they didn't. Shirley Jones wants to get naked; same. Piven's a perv, Shatner's sad, Paul McCartney sucks, Stevie Wonder does blow! Here's your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

T.A.W., shit: texting and walking is dangerous! You know you've done it. But how dangerous is your reluctance to stop and engage in singular activities? If you're to learn anything from the youth of Staten Island, very. And there's video!

The former junior lightweight champion was found dead in his hotel rom in Brazil while honeymooning with his second wife and baby; foul play's suspected. Gatti was a scheduled witness over a fight that rendered his opponent brain damaged. [NYDN]

Speculation regarding Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick moving into ginormous Park Slope digs was wrong! Via some crack NYT investigative reporting, Brooklyn teasing, and reportage bragging, the occupants who ended up in it are just as interesting: Google Bazillionaires.

It's Summer! You doing something tonight? You should be! Anyway: coinciding with all the animal/food coverage we did today, here's a meme-tastic, strangely hypnotic video of a bunch of cute animals snacking on a watermelon, like I'm about to do.