Today Thomas Jane, the star of Hung, was on The View and he was molested just like all the other attractive males who go on the show. They're so grabby!

Frank McCourt, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of Angela's Ashes, is said to be "on death's doorstep" as he battles meningitis. He is not expected to survive, according to his brother. [NYDN]

Ohhh tittery tee! Wittery wee! Blittery bee! Love is in the air in old Cancun, that ancient Spanish settlement of creeping moss and nightclubs the size of airplane hangars. Straights found love, gays found love, everyone found love. Except me.

Microsoft has long been prickly about Apple's inspired "Get a Mac" ad campaign; Chairman Bill Gates once accused Apple of "lying" with the TV spots. Now the tables have turned, and Microsoft is unabashedly gleeful to get under Apple's skin.

Paltry idea-hustler Mark Penn's column today actually contains a single legitimately interesting fact(!). It also affords an easy joke opportunity at Mark Penn's expense! He is an Elite.

The unemployment situation in NYC isn't improving. The city's jobless rate jumped to 9.5 percent last month, which is almost double what it was a year ago and the highest it's been since July 1997. But there is some good news for unemployed Wall Streeters: It looks like banks are beginning to hire again. Of course, the very best news is reserved for people who happen to be employed by Goldman Sachs, who are on track to make $1 million this year, on average. If you fall into that last category, rest assured that everyone else in NYC is totally thrilled about your good fortune, isn't the slightest bit jealous, and only wishes you the very best. Promise! [Reuters]

Awww, gross! Heiress and former Apprentice helper Ivanka Trump, 27, has gotten engaged to newspaper-destroying millionaire playboy Jared Kushner, 28. She announced it over Twitter, because that's what people do these days. But what will their parents think??

"A federal study indicates one of every five U.S. citizens was involved in birdwatching during 2006, contributing $36 billion to the nation's economy," says the UPI. Oh yea? Bullshit. Saw a bird, maybe.

Steve Jobs might not be back at work full time, but he's got enough physical stamina to attend a Coldplay concert — and hang around outside the band's dressing room like a starstruck teenager. The fanboydom was, of course, mutual.

Between the Wizards and the Avatar there's a lot of money floating through Hollywood right now. Vast riches unknown by the average shmo! Sure glad we have the Jews to take care of it for us.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are engaged. Jared proposed last night, news that Ivanka sent out via Twitter this morning (not that it's stopping Us Weekly for taking credit for the "exclusive.") Now for the big question: Will the wedding be at the Trump International Hotel & Tower in NYC, the one in Vegas, the one in Chicago, the one that might open one day in Soho, or perhaps at one of Donald's golf resorts? At least you can rule out the Trump Taj in Atlantic City! [Gawker]

This week started with Goldman Sachs making billions in profits, and starting the Wall Street Pay Machine back up. Now, JPMorgan Chase has also posted a spectacular second quarter profit. Well. What could go wrong?

The New York Post is in high dudgeon over Obama's health plan, blasting a "terrifying" potential 57% "mega-tax" on "successful NYers" under "Obamacare" on the front page. Gosh, that does sound like a lot. Glad we're not successful.

How will Twitter ramp its revenue from nothing to $21 million a month in less than two years, as its managers forecast? Maybe by simply monitoring what you tweet about, and then targeting ads at you.

McGraw-Hill is currently trying to sell off BusinessWeek, but they'll be lucky to make a buck on the deal. Worse: today the company announced it has laid off 550 people.

Poor Steve Rattner. As if it wasn't bad enough that he's embroiled in a scandal over pension fund bribes, may face criminal charges for his role in the scheme, and was forced to step down as President Obama's "car czar" earlier this week, comes the news that he paid $4.35 million for house in D.C. just two months ago. [peHUB]

Bernie Madoff is going to be serving his til-death sentence at Butner Federal Prison in North Carolina. Why there? Nobody knows, really! But it won't be so bad for Bernie—he'll have landscaping, environmentalism, and a hospital bed.

Goldman Sachs announced record earnings the day before yesterday. Today it was JPMorgan Chase's turn wow everyone on Wall Street, announcing a $2.7 billion second-quarter profit thanks to "stellar trading and investment banking results." A few months ago, the bank had accepted $25 billion in bailout cash. Now the Jamie Dimon-led bank is "emerging with renewed confidence," reports the Times, and it's "taking advantage of the financial crisis to vault ahead of longtime rivals in the investment banking rankings and grab market share in mortgages and retail banking." When Goldman shared its good news with the world, we wondered if the bank had an exciting party planned. (It didn't.) We didn't bother to ask Dimon's people if they were planning to live it up this evening. Jamie's too cheap to treat anyone to anything fancy, clearly. But he is the kind of guy who would happily rub his good news in the face of the competition!

So the Emmy nominations were announced this morning and mostly they were surprise-less. Nothing for the well-deserving Big Love actors, another nod for Tony goddamned Shaloub, and Family Guy in Best Comedy. Wait, what?? Family Guy? How did this happen?

When KFC enlisted Oprah to help roll out its new "Grilled" "Chicken" food product, sparking furious chicken riots across America, it looked like the "Grilled" "Chicken" food product would go down as a terrible fiasco. Think again! Grease+teevee lady=win.