Here is a story that reports something you sort of suspect but never expect to see spelled out so explicitly: the opinions of think tanks are for sale to the highest bidder.

Dumbledore could (and should) buy out the American auto industry. Madonna's dry thrusting leads to tragedy. Google Images will explode within the next few hours. And everyone is mean to the writers!

"The New York Senate voted Thursday to outlaw using portable electronic devices to text, play games or surf the Web while driving. The Assembly had approved the measure earlier. It sets fines up to $150 for using handheld devices or laptops to send text messages or read, view or transmit images or data while a vehicle is moving. Gov. David Paterson is expected to sign it." [Newsday]

NBC hunted through their video archive to find footage of Al Franken's first attempt at questioning a Supreme Court nominee: the 1991 Saturday Night Live spoof on the Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill. Art imitates life which imitates Lorne Michaels.

Enlightened hip hop mogul Russell Simmons tells New York that the worst part of living in New York is dealing with the "extreme poverty." So does that mean the yoga fanatic gives money to panhandlers? "Every one that asks!" he says. Be sure to pass along this bit of info to the homeless man standing on your corner later today. He'll be glad you did. [NYM]

Marie Douglas-David, the Swedish countess who's been embroiled in one of the nastiest divorces in recent memory, has finally settled her long-running legal dispute with George David, the chairman of United Technologies. In addition to the $45 million she got as part of postnup, she's expected to collect another $10 million or so, which means she'll walk away with about $21,000 for every day the Davids were married. [NYP]

In your early Friday media column: Laurel Touby is officially chillin like a villain, the Boston Globe gets another contract vote, Nikki Finke is mysterious, and CNN's creative accounting of what it means to be "number one."

Ali Wise won't go down as the only member of the social set to spend time in handcuffs this month. Jules Kirby, the "champagne-swilling" party girl and perennial favorite on blogs like Park Avenue Peerage and Guest of a Guest—and ex-girlfriend of Nevan Donahue, Olivia Palermo's layabout cousin from The City—was arrested in Southampton over July 4th weekend. For attempting to steal an American flag. By the way, did we mention it was July 4th weekend?

With nabobs still nattering about TechCrunch's decision to publish internal Twitter documents, copyright lawyer Ben Sheffner reminds us that getting people to spill unauthorized info is commonly known as "journalism." Sheffner's post originally appeared on his blog, Copyrights & Campaigns.

Ted Kennedy is going to die. Before that happens, the Senate would like to pass a health care reform bill, because that is what Kennedy would like his legacy to be. But the process is difficult without him.

The Way We Live Now: Muhfuckas are robbing us! Male models are robbing people. Someone's robbing Orlando Bloom. Politicians are robbing us all. Looking good in hard times is a tough row to hoe.

Bank of America posted a $3.2 billion profit last quarter, and Citigroup earned $4.3 billion. The friend you lent $50 last week so he could afford groceries is showing you his new iPhone. Punch him in the face.

The C Street townhouse of "The Family," the secretive cult of Christian congressmembers, is a den of sin. John Ensign lived there. Mark Sanford sought counsel there. Now we learn a former congressman carried on an affair while living there!

Contrary to what Goldman Sachs mouthpiece Lucas van Pragg told us the other day, it appears Lloyd Blankfein has been celebrating the bank's record quarter after all. Page Six reports today that Blankfein was spotted "celebrating Goldman's boffo earnings" with Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver at the (kosher) restaurant Prime Grill, although it doesn't say when this dinner supposedly took place, and it's always possible it was another short, bald, Jewish man in a boring suit. (There are a lot of them in this town, as you may be aware.) Meanwhile, Dealbreaker has the details about a dinner that allegedly took place place last night at Barbone, which not only featured Blankfein, but JPMorgan Chase chief Jamie Dimon as well. Barbone's located on Avenue B, which is unlikely territory for both men, but when you're trying to keep your social activities under the radar, you don't exactly book a table at the Four Seasons. Given all these meals, though, we can't help but feel a bit deceived by Goldman's corporate communications department. If there was one industry that has earned a rep for its commitment to honesty, it's investment banking! [NYP, Dealbreaker]

Maniac publisher Felix Dennis sold Maxim for $250 million to Steven Rattner's Quadrangle Group in 2007; now, Rattner's firm is about to lose control of the magazine. Related: Dennis "once exclaimed at a meeting, 'I need to stop smoking crack.'"

[Heidi Klum looking pretty pregnant in New York yesterday; image via Splash]

Today we have an old lady who wanted a bunch of young mens at her party, an NBA wife who's the Leona Helmsley of her house, and a married actor sleeping with a minor actress.

Orlando Bloom walking his dog in Chelsea ... Heidi Klum playing with her kids at Vesuvio Playground in SoHo ... Jennifer Aniston walking in the Village ... Jennifer Lopez checking her phone on the set of her new movie in Tribeca ... Ashley Greene heading into MTV's studios ... Judith Light walking in Midtown ... Tony Hawk eating lunch with his wife at Pastis ... Chris Kattan filming a commercial in SoHo ... Robert Pattinson walking downtown ... Wentworth Miller and Mariska Hargitay shooting scenes for Law & Order: SVU downtown ... Ziggy Marley hanging out in the West Village ... and Rihanna leaving Da Silvano.

Countess divorceé Marie Douglas-David's long ordeal is mercifully drawing to a close. The lovelorn Swede has nearly reached a settlement with her CEO ex-husband, George Davis, the world's biggest pussy. Marie shall be rewarded the bare minimum necessary to survive.