Are you longing to stand in line for hours for the chance to be fed stale bagels and generally get treated like a disease-ridden subhuman? Yes?! Well then you're ready to be an extra in a big-budget Hollywood film!

Meet Kenya Mejia, this year's valedictorian at Alexander Hamilton High School in Los Angeles. If her remarks at last month's graduation ceremony strike you as a bit forced, there's a good reason for that. Mejia may be the first high school student in history to insert a product placement into a graduation speech, a plug for the romantic comedy I Love You, Beth Cooper for which Twentieth Century Fox paid her $1,800.

A 1987 PBS documentary about trader Paul Tudor Jones is now on YouTube. This is noteworthy because after it originally aired Jones, now a multi-billionaire, demanded its removal from circulation, a move that inspired ridiculous interest in the film.

So you wanna be a hotshot agent like Ari on that horrible Entourage show? Well, you'll probably have to start out as an assistant, which means you'd better have a trust fund or an insatiable fondness for ramen noodles.

The New York Department of Transportation has set up Twitter accounts for all of the city's subway lines, so now you can receive advanced warning on how badly you'll be screwed on your commute. [511NY via Felix Salmon's Twitter]

Tonight Bill O'Reilly, apparently oblivious to the fact that others at his own network have contributed greatly to inflaming the Birther madness, attacked Lou Dobbs for pushing the story. He then turned around and defended Dobbs' shameless Birther ratings pandering.

Hey remember that entertainer person who died a few weeks ago? What was his name again—oh yeah, Michael Jackson! Well it looks like forensic investigators looking into his death are finally putting together the pieces of the puzzle.

The Wall Street Journal got tabloidy; the New York Times got snarky and a full-time kvetcher decided to stop complaining. The Twitterati were feeling experimental.

Remember Andrés Piedrahita, the Colombian-born employee/son-in-law of Walter Noel? The guy who traveled the globe in search of wealthy investors, who he convinced to invest in Fairfield Greenwich, the hedge fund that lost an estimated $7 billion to Bernie Madoff? Although you might think he'd be hiding in a cave these days, he's actually having a lovely summer. Because according to Vicky Ward, Piedrahita just took possession of a brand new, custom-built $30 million yacht: "He is now cruising the Adriatic with wife Corina Noel and their children. I am told he has plans to cruise around the Dalmatian coast and Corfu." [HuffPo]

• The latest ad campaign for Chanel handbags, shot by Karl Lagerfeld himself, features a very Holly Golightly-looking Lily Allen. [Pipeline, Cut]
• A new front-runner has emerged to possibly take over struggling Christian Lacroix. This time it's Italian retail giant Borletti. [WWD, AFP]
• More trouble for American Apparel and its founder Dov Charney? An anonymous store manager reports Charney has been busy firing employees "he deems unattractive." [Gawker]
• Amber Valletta is the latest supermodel to launch a clothing line. [Cut]

The New York Daily News busted a Mets executive for repeatedly losing his temper, and today the Mets fired the guy. Case closed right? Except the Daily News reporter is being accused of making a play for the executive's job.

Zivity, the much-ballyhooed site where you can buy pictures from amateur models, is stripping itself of most assets and employees. Appropriate, in a way, but if amateur moviemaking and journalism can work, why not user-generated porn? Some clues:

[Yesterday's stormy sky (could have been today's too, really) as seen from a rooftop in the West Village; image via ccho's Flickr]

Electric Literature presents Jim Shepard's "Your Fate Hurtles Down at You" (trailer) from Editors Electric Literature on Vimeo.

Remember when Jaguars were the most beautiful, fastest cars on the road? Don't worry, you're not alone. UK firm Eagle remembers too and they're remaking this Jaguar E-Type Speedster using upgraded original components.

Fantastic news, minorities: A new Taser that boasts three times as many shots! Elsewhere in law enforcement matters: "Taser-hit man bursts into flames." Creepy masochistic employee indoctrination vid below!

Above the Law has asked some legal experts to weigh on on our post last week wondering whether non-lawyer Elizabeth Wurtzel can claim to be a lawyer before she passes the bar.

Eliot Spitzer always felt most comfortable as an outsider crusading against entrenched interests. He felt second-most-comfortable wearing black socks and screwing hookers bareback while choking them. Two is over, but Goldman Sachs' gluttony offers him another shot at Number One.

Remember how Sarah Palin graduated from her fiftieth college with a degree in communications? What the hell happened to addle this woman's mind so much that she can no longer form logical sentences? We went to the tapes to investigate.

Look who's joined Twitter: Google's head of search products, Marissa Mayer. Apparently she finally got around to listening to her ex-boyfriend.