The Way We Live Now: Gap-toothed. Too poor to get a falsie to complete our smile. Lawyers aren't making it! Kitschy yuppie bars on skid row are losing ambiance! Nine trillion dollars in debt is a lot. A lot.

Christine Quinn has been slacking, clearly. This week the City Council speaker denounced the nudie show at the Standard Hotel, a faux scandal cooked up by the tabloids during a slow news week, and one that wasn't even newsworthy considering the existence of the sex shows —and the fact it was largely a publicity stunt to drum up interest in the hotel—were reported, like, ages ago.

There are many things to love about Robert Hammond: he saved the High Line, he likes art, he's a snappy dresser! Now we find out he's rich too. We also know he's gay and single. Robert, will you marry us?

Because the fashion industry really, really wants you start shopping again, it's pulling out all the stops for Fashion's Night Out, the hyped-up retail pep rally scheduled for September 10. The latest PR offensive: A TV commercial featuring Sarah Jessica Parker, Anna Wintour, Diane von Furstenberg, Donna Karan, Oscar de la Renta, Carolina Herrera, Isaac Mizrahi, Diddy, Tory Burch, Lazaro Hernandez, Ashley Olsen, and a whole bunch of others—all jam-packed into a spot that's less than a minute long. If you watch the commercial—and you can do so above—make sure you're paying attention at the 0:30 mark. It's not every day that you get to see Anna Wintour come off as a giddy schoolgirl.

Here's the cover to Bob Dylan's forthcoming Christmas album. Proceeds go to charity; as Vulture notes, this lends hope the project won't be commercially corrupted and critically panned. We still wish the sleigh driver had a harmonica holder or something.

Shia LaBeouf eating lunch with Carey Mulligan at Extra Virgin in the Village, and later hailing a cab ... Michelle Williams eating lunch outside at Cafe Gitane in Nolita ... Drew Barrymore walking by herself downtown ... Kelly Rutherford holding daughter Helena Grace on the set of Gossip Girl ... Whitney Port walking downtown ... Rihanna going into an office in Midtown, and later meeting friends at a bar downtown ... Hayden Christensen walking in SoHo ... David Blaine riding his motorcycle near Columbus Circle ... America Ferrera filming scenes for Ugly Betty in Madison Square Park ... and Kevin Federline taking sons Sean and Jayden to the Central Park Zoo with girlfriend Victoria Prince.

Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan Chase, may be the "accidental media mogul," in the words of Keith Kelly. But it's also fair to say he's done a good job establishing himself as the "accidental beneficiary of fraud," too. According to a finance professor who's been poring over documents in the Bernie Madoff case, JPMorgan Chase racked up $483 million in profits between 1992 and 2008 thanks to the fact Madoff was a loyal JPMorgan Chase customer for all those years, and he used his various accounts with the firm to store billions of dollars. Sadly, Madoff's unwavering loyalty to the bank has yet to result in Dimon renaming the Chase branch at Madison and 64th Street in Madoff's honor. But if you stop by and you feel the ghost of Bernie in the air, let us know. [FT Alphaville]

Edward Kennedy, the last surviving son of Joseph and Rose Kennedy, was the third-longest serving US Senator of all time. He was a drunken degenerate. And he might've been the best argument for the US Senate ever elected.

White-all-over author Tom Wolfe has a new, extremely well-compensated (we imagine) short story in Vanity Fair. He decided to write about the wealthy this time! Yet he retains that flair for authentic dialogue he displayed in I Am Charlotte Simmons.

[Michael Urie and American Ferrera get into their meaty roles on the set of Ugly Betty in Manhattan yesterday. Photo via Getty]

Arizona has been on a crazy streak this week. Judge not, coastal elites; if you had vodka in your tampons and crystal meth in your highlighter, you'd be crazy too.

Does the Post have some sort of grudge against the billionaire Santo Domingo family? Last month, a photo of Lauren Santo Domingo (wife of Andrès Santo Domingo) was replaced with a pic of fellow Vogue staffer Lauren Dupont. Today, a photo of Alejandro Santo Domingo's girlfriend, Amanda Hearst, was replaced with one of her first-cousin Gillian Hearst! This time around, it doesn't seem the Post is to blame. It's Getty Images' fault. But if Hearst Corp.-owned magazines like Harper's Bazaar and Marie Claire suddenly decide to cancel their photo licensing contracts with Getty, well, now you'll know why. [NYP, previously]

Just because she has the golden statue doesn't mean she stopped using the white stuff—even in public! Also, a Hollywood couple's kids behaving badly and an actress gets sacked by her director beau. The blind items go to...

Puking pug owner Chrissie Brodigan declined a plea deal, so she can sue the city.

If you drink, smoke, or do drugs and you have fitness-obsessed friends who occasionally give you a hard time for your vices, you may want to print out this story from National Geographic, just so you have it handy the next time you run into them while you're on your way to a bar and they're headed to the gym. According to new research in the August issue of Behavioral Neuroscience, "Hardcore runners who can't bear to skip a workout may be hooked in a way that's similar to heroin addiction." And it can be fatal, too! [National Geographic]

Jackie Kennedy's half-brother James Auchincloss—the JFK Jr.-obsessed one being "investigated" for a huge stash of child porn, remember?—has now been indicted, for all that child porn. The timing could have been better. [Mail Tribune]

If you're looking for a thoughtful, nuanced take on the life and legacy of Ted Kennedy, the 7-page obit on the New York Times website should provide you with all the background you need on a man born into one of America's most notable families who went on to become one of the country's most important political figures. If you want inane responses to his passing from a smattering of reality TV stars and stylists, head to Twitter!

• Actor Roger Howarth, who used to be on One Life to Live but now appears on As the World Turns, has dropped the price of the three-bedroom condo at 505 Greenwich Street he shares with wife Cari Stahler. The sixth-floor pad, which the couple bought for $2.075 million in 2005 and listed for $3.195 million in March of this year, is now listed for $2.999 million. [Cityfile, Warburg]
• Eli Zahavi, the owner of EZ Energy Ltd., and his wife Gabriela have closed on the sale of their 25th-floor apartment at 15 CPW. The two-bedroom condo, which went on the market for $7.9 million in March, sold for $7.35 million to an entity called Metropark Investments Limited Partnership. [Cityfile]
• The skinniest house in the West Village has gone on the market. The three-story, 990-square-foot townhouse at 75 1/2 Bedford Street, where writer Edna St. Vincent Millay, Cary Grant and John Barrymore are all believed to have once lived—is listed for $2.75 million. [Curbed, Corcoran]

Cassie, the singer best known for her hair and for having hooked up with Diddy, turns 23 today. Macaulay Culkin is turning 29. Thalia, the Latin singer and wife of music honcho Tommy Mottola, is 38. Former vice presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro is turning 74. Former Homeland Security boss Tom Ridge is 64. Valerie Simpson of Ashford & Simpson turns 63. Actor Chris Pine is turning 29. Shirley Manson of the band Garbage is 43. Upper East Side interior designer Lisa Jackson is turning 51. Legendary Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee turns 88. And New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz turns 57 today.