The New York Post specializes in faux-outrage (accompanied by plenty of sexy pics of said outrage!), but never more than in the dead news days of August. Below, we rate the shamelessness of the Post's current faux-scandals. We're outraged!

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[Jeremy Piven butches it up for his big adventure, pedaling in style to meet his girlfriend yesterday in Malibu. Photo via X17]

Major league asshole and Kennedy biographer Adam Clymer makes the case that Ted Kennedy's first years in office were not quite as unaccomplished as usually assumed. [NYT]

Why did we all get together and agree to stop drinking water? Who knows, really, but we must have at some point because sales of bottled water have been falling fast over the past few months. Which explains why beverage companies are now in the process of coming up with all sorts of crazy new drinks to make up the difference.

Photographer Zach Hyman keeps NYC wacky—and sexy—by taking pixxx of nude models, in public. Sure, it's all wacky and sexy until the cops show up, and Justin Rocket Silverman has to race the scene.

We may have guessed which stars ran afoul of their dealer. Can you? Or do you know which celeb has crippling stage fright and who is a bad mother? You better tell us, or we're not giving you your fix.

Steven Spielberg walking in SoHo ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her West Village townhouse ... Alec Baldwin filming scenes for 30 Rock at Tao ... Michael Kors walking near Bryant Park ... Hugh Grant having dinner last night at the Standard Grill ... Rihanna eating lunch at Da Silvano with her assistant ... Taylor Momsen hailing a cab with her mom in the West Village ... Blake Lively and Chace Crawford filming scenes for Gossip Girl in the meatpacking district and Hilary Duff exiting her trailer nearby ... Kevin Federline leaving lunch at Cafe Metro with girlfriend Victoria Prince ... Jamie Spears walking in Midtown ... Nia Long talking on her phone outside her hotel ... America Ferrera shooting scenes for Ugly Betty in Times Square ... and Courtney Love shopping with a friend in SoHo.

• Nicolas Cage may have found a buyer for his 48th-floor apartment at the Olympic Tower on Fifth Avenue. Cage has reportedly received two offers on the 3,550-square-feet pad, which was most recently listed for $9.75 million. [NYP, BHS]
• Investment banker Tom Whalen and his wife Dana English have closed on the sale of their 8,000-square-foot townhouse at 34 West 10th Street. The 19th-century manse, which was rumored to be selling to an unidentified Texas banker for $15 million earlier this summer, sold for $15.4 million to an entity called Go Yard LLC. [Cityfile]
• Arvind and Shilpa Sanger have paid $11.98 million for a penthouse at 170 East End Avenue. Arvind, who founded Geosphere Capital in 2007, previously worked for Steve Cohen's Connecticut-based SAC Capital. [Cityfile]

Designer Tom Ford turns 48 today. Disgraced media columnist Michael Wolff is turning 56. Gary Cohn, the No. 2 man at embattled Goldman Sachs, is 49. Bob Kerrey, the embattled president of the New School, is 66. Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan is turning 40. Actress Sarah Chalke is 33. Grey's Anatomy star Chandra Wilson turns 40. The R&B singer Mario turns 23. Imprisoned telecom CEO Bernie Ebbers is 68. The rapper Mase is turning 31. Olympic ski champ Jonny Moseley is 34. Former MTV VJ Downtown Julie Brown is turning 50. And Pee-wee Herman celebrates his 57th birthday today.

• Are Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly "secretly engaged" and planning to get married this fall? That's what an "insider" is now telling Page Six, for what it's worth. [P6]
• Parker Posey has bowed out of an off-Broadway play, but sushi doesn't appear to be the culprit: Parker has been diagnosed with lime disease, according to people involved with the show. [NYP]
• Redmond O'Neal, the troubled son of Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal, plans to star in his own reality show once he's released from prison. He says he's only doing it to "honor his mother," but then again you probably knew that. [NYDN]
• The police released video footage yesterday of the robbers breaking into Lindsay Lohan's house last weekend. If you spot anyone familiar, feel free to call the cops. Or congratulate them. Or whatever. [NYP]

Missing children need new real estate, because milk cartons are now being used for advertising!

Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools' Career and Technical Education Department spells education "eduction." Yes, seriously.

Lindsay Lohan wants a reality show. So does Redmond O'Neal. Meanwhile, Derek Jeter may be getting a dose of married life, and Avril Lavigne may soon be a single gal. All that and way more in your Thursday Gossip Roundup...

We may have a black president, but race-based "good hair, bad hair" politics remain. Duh.

In the wake of Ted Kennedy's death, many people are assuming the age of Camelot has come to an end. These people have obviously forgotten the family's fecundity, for there are plenty of Kennedy's to take the helm.

Sigh. Here we thought Facebook, Twitter and all those silly little websites were making our lives easier. Not so!

Few celebrities touched our lives as deeply as pitchman and cocaine user Billy Mays. And, in an effort to ensure his dreams lives on, deranged mourners are affixing his likeness to anything and everything that will accommodate a sticker. [TMZ]

This little monkey, Spindler, has three parents. That's right! Three! How could this be? Because scientists are trying to play God and help eradicate potentially fatal diseases. Those bastards!

Meghan McCain has "redefined" the GOP, says NYU student paper.