In their prime, National Football League players are hailed as athletic heroes. Then the cruel hand of time turns glory into cerebral disintegration. And the League just shrugs in confusion.

A 15-year old was charged with illegal tattooing after being "cool" and branding his friend.

Think things in America can't get any more unsettling? Well, you're wrong. Meet the American Police Force, which will soon take over a Montana jail that once asked to house Guantanamo inmates. And, shocker, they're shady as hell. Let's look...

This is too bad: at least 34 people are dead after an 8.0 underwater earthquake spawned monstrous waves that struck Samoa and American Samoa. Hawaii's shitting its pants because authorities worry water will head their way. We would, too. [MSNBC]

Oh, amusement! A reporter at the White House today used a Saturday Night Live-born term while asking Robert Gibbs a question. But, sadly, it wasn't "fuck."

Twitter's co-founder gave some free advice to Google; Heather Gold talked about starting a brothel; and Tila Tequila complained that her inconsiderate maids aren't grateful enough. The Twitterati had some suggestions for you.

Clearly, the online ad market is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. Old Testament, wrath of God type stuff: Dogster and LOLcats-based I Can Has Cheezburger are now selling ads together, per a new agreement. Next up: Mass hysteria.

[This afternoon delight is courtesy of some South Korean paratroopers, who are practicing an aerial display for Armed Forces Day. Image via Getty]

"DVD" Jon Lohansen has been tweaking Apple for years. After breaking the encryption on DVDs, he went on to unscramble Apple's music store files, then its wi-fi media streaming, then virtual locks within the iPhone. Now he's got his own company, doubleTwist, whose mission is to connect non-Apple devices to your iTunes library — the same sort of trick the Apple-baiters over at Palm recently tried and then apparently gave up on.

• The war against the Jane Hotel marches on. Not only does Jane Street Neighbors United, the "coalition" now facing off against the Village hotspot, have a lawyer, blog and Twitter feed, it's retained a publicist, too. [NYT]
• Openings: Nolita's Travertine debuts tonight with former Top Chef contestant Manuel Trevino behind the stove. And RobataNY opened yesterday in the EV.
• Tyra Banks explored the wide world of food trucks on her show today. And Frank Bruni's appearance on Martha Stewart's show last week is now online.
• The bar formerly known as Baraza has reopened as Summit Bar. [GS]
• The Bagatelle team is turning Merkato 55 into an Italian restaurant. [GoaG]
• Desperate times: Starbucks unveiled a line of instant coffee today. [WSJ]

Sickeningly stereotypical "creative" ad guy Alex Bogusky interviews himself on his own blog, a very Bogusky-type thing to do. To one rhetorical question, he answers himself, "Great question." He can teach us much. [Posterous via Agency Spy. Pic via]

Its new shows are in the toilet and it conceded a huge chunk of its prime time lineup to Jay Leno's horrid chatfest. How does the network rebound? By purchasing a new game show! The future holds nothing but death.

The Empire State Building will be awash in red and yellow lights tomorrow night in honor of the 60th anniversary of the Peoples' Republic of China, a shining beacon of hope to totalitarian corporatist regimes everywhere.

Peter Thiel is not a clown. The PayPal co-founder and Facebook investor sees right through bubbles and rampant, ongoing Wall Street fraud, or at least says he does. So why is he running a hedge fund, again?

Here is the new thing for you to worry about, in terms of your own unavoidable violent death: Al Qaeda is now smuggling bombs inside their rectums. There is no hope of detection until it blows.

The Appellate Division of the New York Supreme Court has tossed Dan Rather's breach-of-contract and fraud complaint against CBS. Here is the text of the complete decision.

It's all over but the cryin' for Dan Rather. A New York appellate court today tossed out his lawsuit against CBS News for breach of contract and fraud. So there's really no reason to pay attention to him anymore.

Courtesy of The Wrap.

[Mel Gibson jogs down the street with his hand up a beaver. If only this weren't real. Image via Getty]

The Way We Live Now: Breaking astounding barriers of the mind and soul! Money scientists have discovered who has it worst in this recession: the poor. That's right, the poor. Surprise. It is the fault of cows—girl cows.