What could possibly be better than the Tracy Mogan Twitter feed? Try: Tracy Morgan reading from his new autobiography, and veering belligerently off script. Sometimes the audiobook is better than the original work. This is one of those cases.

Tween girls: They're not just "sexting" and squealing all the time, as the media would lead you to believe. Instead, they're attending the "National Tween Girl Summit" to overcome juvenile, ignorant media stereotypes and be empowered, like so:

Having some difficulty landing a job? Maybe you should consider starting your very own hedge fund! Contrary to conventional wisdom, it's a pretty good time to get started. And Business Insider has assembled a step-by-step guide to make the process that much easier. Just be sure to pick an appropriate name for your new fund—try to avoid words or historical events ("Ground Zero," "Auschwitz") that might conjure up negative thoughts, if at all possible—and you'll be good to go. [Business Insider]

[Penn Badgley has a lady at his front and Gossip Girl costar Ed Westwick coming up for the rear while on the red carpet for the premiere of his new movie The Stepfather last night. Image via AP]

For as little as $1,600, Michael Jackson's singed hair can be yours. [Sun]

A committed band of coots, cranks, and wingnuts in Williamsburg are ready to do whatever it takes to ensure that their neighborhood doesn't get one more wine bar, which would make all the gangs come in.

This may come as something of a surprise to you, but four days after he was convicted of ripping off his mother, Brooke Astor, Anthony Marshall has been "keeping a low profile," the Daily News reports today. (And you'd been under the assumption he was spending late nights in the meatpacking district with a gaggle of models and a never-ending flow of champagne. Apparently not!) So if he hasn't been out and about, what has he been doing? "He's spent most of his time since [the verdict] sleeping," reports a childhood friend. [NYDN]

Heidi Klum had a baby girl on Friday night. Congrats! Well, some gossip outlets shouldn't be busting open the champagne, because while she was having the kid, they were fighting about whether or not she had it already.

Bill O'Reilly, call your office: Citing CNBC, Reuters says Rupert Murdoch is interested in buying a piece of NBC Universal, which could lead to a major embarrassment when O'Reilly draws Keith Olbermann in the corporate Secret Santa program.

Ice-cold saintly hero pilot Chesley Sullenberger didn't blink after the engines on his plane failed, forcing him into a death-defying river landing. The passengers, on the other hand, were totally freaked the fuck out. Book excerpt, ho!

Penelope Cruz leaving her hotel ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking to the set of Sex and the City 2 ... Hugh Jackman getting out of an SUV in front of his apartment building ... Alicia Silverstone leaving the CW studios in Midtown ... Tyra Banks posing for a photo shoot on Fifth Avenue ... Elizabeth Hurley walking out of her hotel ... Mark Wahlberg hanging out on the set of The Other Guys ... Glee's Cory Monteith and Lea Michele leaving the Brooks Aktinson Theater ... Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt getting out of an car ... and Sienna Miller leaving the American Airlines Theater in Times Square after a performance of After Miss Julie.

The things we keep in the closet—a drinking problem, an eating disorder, or a whole selection of fishnets and ladies shoes—will always come out eventually. Our guy just hopes his hose don't run before his wedding day!

Incarcerated real estate bellwether Bernie Madoff reportedly got into a fist-throwing prison brawl! Which could more accurately be characterized as "two elderly men poking each other angrily while discussing financial strategies." Assuming it actually happened. Gang war!

• Kimora Lee Simmons is looking to unload a decidedly modest home she owns in East Hampton. The 2,300-square-foot home, which Kimora picked up for $690,000 in 2003, is currently listed for $800,000. Don't expect to find any evidence that the Queen of Bling has spent much time there: In addition to the much larger estate she owns nearby, she also has a $20 million mansion in Saddle River, NJ, which has been on the market since 2007. [Real Estalker, PDE]
• Retired tech exec Lawrence Mueller and his wife Mary Kay have dropped the price of their three-bedroom condo at 15 Central Park West five months after first listing it for $16.5 million. The 25th-floor condo, which the couple bought for $5.99 million in late '07, is now priced at $15.5 million. [Curbed, PDE]

Sacha Baron Cohen turns 38 today. Ashanti is turning 29. Paul Simon is 68. Kelly Preston is turning 47. Kate Walsh of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice is 42. Model Beverly Johnson is 57. Ivan Bart, the head of IMG Models, is turning 46. Billionaire Tom Tisch turns 55. Mega art dealer William Acquavella is 72. Sammy Hagar of Van Halen is 62. Access Hollywood's Billy Bush is turning 38. George Bush's former spokesman, Ari Fleischer, is 49. Marie Osmond is 50. Retired NFL star Jerry Rice is 47. Serena Altschul, the former MTV VJ and CBS News correspondent, is 39. Margaret Thatcher is 84. And Donald Trump's least famous child, Tiffany Trump, celebrates her 16th birthday today.

• Heidi Klum and Seal have a new addition to the family: Lou Sulola, who was born on Friday night and joins siblings Johan, Henry, and Leni. [People]
• Tyra Banks ought to be in a good mood today. Not only has she dropped four dress sizes recently, she's been named the "top-earning primetime TV star" by Forbes thanks to the $30 million she's collected over the past year. [Daily Mail, MSNBC]
• The latest legal tiff between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook is over: The couple has settled their dispute, which means neither of them will be heading off to jail. [People]
• Was Penelope Cruz sporting a giant sapphire and diamond ring the other night because she really is engaged to Javier Bardem? And did she wear a bulky sweater over her dress because she's pregnant? So many questions, so few answers. Sigh. [P6, NYDN]

According to the Post, Bernie Madoff got into a "prison-yard tussle" last week. It wasn't over whose turn it was to use the weights in the prison yard, though, or who would be getting the last serving of jello in the prison cafeteria. The two supposedly faced off over "the state of the market," and Madoff ended up winning the battle, shoving the guy and forcing him to stumble, which allowed "Madoff to collect some 'cred' among his fellow prisoners." You may want to note that this is the same paper (and reporter) who informed us a few weeks ago that Madoff was dying of cancer. So perhaps in addition to beating down his rivals, Madoff's health is improving, too? Let's hope so! [NYP]

Think Western journalists have it rough? About 2,000 Iranian journalists have lost their jobs since the election. And those who haven't been arrested have fled the regime of overwrought Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who says they're worse than "nuclear weapons." [NYT]

Tilda Swinton and Donald Trump fighting. So are Tori Spelling and Star. And, yes, even Gore Vidal and Ed Koch. But at least there's some love: Heidi Klum and Seal had baby number four. Welcome to your Tuesday gossip roundup!

After making $30 million in a year, Tyra Banks is now prime-time's highest paid woman.