Heh is the overwhelming sentiment one can read every time the Times gets cocky. And by cocky, I mean: talking about penises. In this instance, it's talking about one of the oldest, most famous media penises still alive: Hugh Hefner's.

Our J-School embed can only help us so much; he can't provide us with the brilliance that follows, in which you watch a class of Columbia J-Schoolers rapping over Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind" about ethics in journalism.

The New York Times ran a piece in this weekend's Metropolitan containing every awesome, incredibly true cliche about BoBo Brooklyn. It will stand as a definitive document of Our Era in Kings. It's about someone getting banned from the Co-Op.

You knew this was coming. Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are getting married today. They got covered in the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations pages. This is what happens when you pitch Weddings Expert Phyllis Nefler a fastball down the middle:

ABC's Nightline ran a special on Scientology this weekend. It was typically strange and disconcerting, but nothing necessarily new. Except: What could provoke their spokesman to storm off the set of an interview? We get to learn. Paging Lord Xenu.

Lindsay Lohan's career brings out the worst in Jewish Mother impulses. Brad Pitt busts himself up on a motorcycle, LADIES. The Rock shows true colors: stone cold asshole. Sienna Miller, Roman Polanski, Morrissey, Musicals: presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Great. Rumors are circulating that Stephen Hawking was found dead. We have a hot tip that some very angry Black Holes are pissed off, spreading lies, starting beefs (i.e. probably bullshit). If you hear anything, let us know. Thanks.

Well, today was fun! Two out-and-out rants rallying against The Insider Trading Man and The Angry Woah-Man Woman. Issues of time and space, raingry rain, issues underground. Why so serious? Here's your SNL open thread.

Remember Portfolio? The nearly stillborn Conde publication's fallen editor Joanne Lipman's back, with an editorial for Sunday's Times entitled "The Mismeasure Of Woman," where she argues that feminism's stalled out. Great, except: it's inaccurate, intellectually offensive, and gratingly pompous.

Things you'll learn on comedian/actor Adam Goldberg's fantastic "tour" of LA with VBS.tv: (1) Rihanna's (supposedly) his neighbor, her security guards are shitty, (2) Silverlake restaurants: shitty, (3) his Silverlake hipster friends: shitty cheapskates. It's bizarre, wonderful, and very LA.

Taser technology's evolving! A mere three-pronged shocker's got nothing on a taser shotty. Ba-blaw! Bang bang! If only that were all. You kids protesting globalization and world economic summits, we've got a new present for you, too: a TASER WALL.

Maybe you're familiar with Stephen A. Smith, one of the most ridiculous people in sports journalism's storied history. Well, Smith's now a talking head on CNN. And he can't tell the difference between a DA and the DEA.

Does the recent collar of terrorist-supporting hedge fund chief Raj Rajaratnam suggest insider trading as back en vogue? The moving of markets with propriety information nobody else gets hasn't been cool since Wall Street...until now. Love it, says the WSJ.

We got word that there were even more layoffs than previously reported at Conde Nast this week. As it turns out, the sharp scythe of McKinsey cut into Women's Wear Daily.

Damn, the economy's getting to everyone these days. Even the lord and savior of a bunch of people, Jesus Christ (33), who apparently endorsed Riverview Community Bank only to see it shut down, reports Minneapolis' Citypages. Holy shit, holy bummer.

If you worked underground for however many hours a day, you'd be an angry mole-person, too. The only thing you're missing? Bloodletting claws and a place to hide the remains of students the MTA sent out to antagonize you. [NYDN]

Jon and Kate Gosselin are basically the worst people in the history of TV. Pennsylvania pride! Scott Weiland's wife: a crazy-awesome smack addict. Kanyeezy's community serveezy. J-Lo's Lola gives me facehurt. Weirdos! Celebrities! Whatever! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

[Two seemingly identical dancers from New York's all-male Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo troupe splash in a fountain in Sydney to mark the start of their Australian tour later this week. Image via Getty]

This week, everyone was crazy or in jail or getting laid off. And the conventional wisdom got turned on its head!

We keep telling you which Halloween costumes to avoid, but we wouldn't be very servicey if we didn't offer up some suggestions, now would we? So, before you hit Halloween Headquarters this weekend, here is a list of Gawker-approved ideas.