After a hilarious speech, President Obama pardoned the first turkey of his administration, continuing this delightful tradition that should probably be ended, immediately.

A brawl over a Robsessed poster leaves one hospitalized. A middle-aged man is at large after biting a teen girl's neck. Schoolyard attacks plague innocent children. Where are our vampire-protectors when we really need them? (updated)

Due to an unfortunate incident involving a pack of wild turkeys we were unable to watch The City last night. We did piece together the action thanks to some interviews done by our favorite roving social reporter.

Knowledge is power. Until that knowledge blows up right in your face.

In your cheery Wednesday media column: our nemesis Martha Stewart's magazine implicated in decoration-for-prestige scheme, iTunes for magazines is coming, your weekly layoff roundup, and the Search Engine Media Wars heat up.

Sick of hearing about Sweden's excellent healthcare and education, and looking at Swedish people's glowing, high-cheekboned faces? Well you'll be happy to hear that they're falling for a ridiculous trend: sleeping on nail beds.

Here's how an accurate-but-slanted story becomes an outright lie: the conservative (and rapidly collapsing) Moonie-owned Washington Times notes that Republicans didn't show up to Obama's dinner. Then, Fox takes over.

Busy today before you leave for somewhere? Multitasking!.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and the spending-time-with-family anxiety has likely already set in. What better way to take your mind off of the impending holiday drama—you know, Grandma pre-gaming at 9am with a handle of scotch, Uncle Bob's off-color jokes—than by looking into all the crazy Thanksgiving accoutrements you can pick up this Turkey Day? A few favorites after the jump.

[Michael Imperioli and Rocky Horror Picture Show alum Susan Sarandon react to sweet transvestite Prince Charles' overshare at The Lovely Bones premiere in London last night. Image via Getty]

Parents have enough to worry about these days. Add roving gangs of hostile turkeys stealing children's bicycles to that list.

Most obese Americans, meaning most Americans, have given up hope of ever losing that weight unless they can land a spot as a contestant on NBC's Biggest Loser. Unfortunately, Biggest Loser is made of 100% evil.

Okay, we get it already. Anyone can get a large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual action for a brief time, then quickly disperse.

Oh boy, a "hot rumor!" Those are our favorite rumors, bar none! What is it exactly, U.S. News? Hm. It seems that "the hot rumor in Washington" is that Obama will replace Biden with Hillary Clinton, on the 2012 ticket.

Sherrie Westin, VP of Sesame Street Workshop, went on The O'Reilly Factor to make peace for making fun of Fox News. They brought out a puppet in Bill O'Reilly's spitting image: Spill O'Reilly. Hey, that rhymes with Bill! Clever!

Today's fail features a painful lesson in playground physics starring two guys, a little girl, and a seesaw...

Former CNN anchor and immigrant hater Lou Dobbs is thinking about running for elected office. (He may mount a campaign for Senate from New Jersey, but he hasn't ruled out a run for president.) So now it's time to backtrack to try and woo that all-important Latino demographic! Dobbs now says he supports plans to legalize undocumented workers, an idea he ripped apart nightly for, oh, years when he was sitting in the anchor chair at CNN. And he's now "trying to wipe away his image as an enemy of Latino immigrants by positioning himself as a champion of that fast-growing ethnic bloc." As a champion, no less! Buena suerte with that, Lou. [WSJ]

He loves her so much he cast her in his next movie. Rosie O'Donnel's weird date, Courtney Love in a strip club, and Zac Efron thinks stars are famous. This is the 11:26 Gossip train to New Haven. All aboard!

Hopefully both of these girls did in fact end up attending this job fair because from the acting skills demonstrated in this video, chances are they weren't asked to act again.