Listen: If you get a phone call, and the guy on the other line says something to the effect of, “Hey, it’s me, the Pope,” do not immediately hang up. It could actually be him!

The military is not about to take over the Southwestern United States. No one’s building underground tunnels to connect various Walmarts. Texas is not erecting a series of FEMA death camps. And we’re not about to enter the age of martial law in America. But! Just in case—Rand Paul is on it.

Kendall Jenner’s mug was tagged by a gleeful and highly illegal drone in the early hours of Wednesday morning, Wired reports. The drone, rigged so that it could carry a can of red spraypaint, scribbled a few lines onto the young reality TV star’s face before being pulled down by its designer, artist KATSU.

Just three minutes before allegedly causing an accident that killed her passenger, a 22-year-old old Florida woman reportedly texted her boyfriend, “Driving drunk woo …” and “Ill be dead thanks to you ….” The woman, Mila Dago, had a blood alcohol level of .178 two hours after the crash, according to police.

This 9/11 cake was created by Austrian baker Thomas Kienbauer as a metaphor for the current state of Vienna politics. In this metaphor, the Twin Towers of cake represent the ruling coalition Kienbaeur opposes, and the planes represent various fringe parties he apparently supports. (It is not a very good metaphor.)

Brad Viner is the only police officer in the town of Campo, Colorado. The 400 traffic tickets he wrote last year accounted for 93 percent of the 107-person town’s revenue. “Basically, the police department pays for the town,” he told the Grand Junction Free Press, seemingly without irony.

Five of the six officers charged in the death of Freddie Gray are now in custody, according to Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake.

In the sixth round last night, the fight started in the crowd.

Donyell Shank lives in the Park Heights neighborhood of Baltimore. Her daughter was a friend of Freddie Gray. In an interview at her house this week, she talked about rioting and what it means to be a “thug” in a neighborhood where the police are mistrusted:

“I do not come to you tonight with the ability to speak Spanish,” Mike Huckabee, once and future presidential pork product, told a Hispanic group in a speech Wednesday night. “But I do speak a common language. I speak Jesus.”

According to those who knew him well, Freddie Gray was a funny, happy, outspoken, and well-liked guy whose life was cut short in the custody of the Baltimore Police last week.

It looks like the wacky men and women of airport law enforcement are up to their old hijinks again. After a routine training exercise, the people whose sole job it is to keep you safe at the airport apparently forgot to pick up one of their live explosives—until workers stumbled upon the dynamite four days later.

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld only ever said a wise thing by accident, and that was the case on April 11, 2003, when he explained that Iraqi rioters weren’t violent animals, but were taking out understandable feelings against a “repressive regime.”

Freddie Gray’s death has been ruled a homicide by the Baltimore state attorney Marilyn Mosby. Six officers have been charged with a number of crimes, including second-degree murder, manslaughter, assault, misconduct, and false imprisonment. A warrant has been issued for their arrest.

David Wildstein, a former Port Authority official and longtime ally of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, is expected to plead guilty to unspecified charges today for the closing of several lanes of the George Washington Bridge in 2013, the New York Times reports.

On Wednesday, the Washington Post published a police report alleging that Freddie Gray had injured himself while being transported in police custody, based on an account given by another prisoner in the van. That man, Donta Allen, has come forward, speaking to CBS Baltimore’s WJZ today.

A new study published Thursday in the journal Science has found that, if climate change continues apace, one in six species on the planet could face extinction.

NASA’s robotic Messenger probe crashed into the surface of the planet Mercury today, having orbited the planet closest to the sun 4,104 times. Messenger ran out of fuel after more than a decade in space. RIP Messenger.

According to a new report, the American Psychological Association collaborated in secret with the C.I.A. and the Bush administration to establish legal and ethical justifications for the torture program. The report focuses on the emails, newly disclosed, of a recently deceased researcher at the RAND Corporation who was later a defense contractor.

California prosecutors dropped lynching charges today against 20-year-old Black Lives Matter activist Maile Mae Hampton, the Guardian reports. In January, Hampton was accused of interfering with the arrest of another activist.