In an apparent suicide attempt, Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange stabbed himself nine times—six "hesitation wounds" and three "deep plunges"—and is now in the hospital. There is something extra-tragic about comedians with depression. [P6]

New York City may have the financial resources to loan out the NYPD to Bermuda. But protecting the city when 9/11 terror suspects arrive here from Guantanamo Bay for their trials? Not so much. The mayor says it will cost $216 million to pay for stepped-up security during the first year, and the city is going to need some serious help from Washington to pay for it. [AP]

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

• The Casey Johnson saga continues: Yesterday, Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips, both of whom were pals of the late heiress, showed up at Tila Tequila's house to take possession of Casey's two dogs. A screaming fight ensued, and the police had to be called in to mediate, since Tequila claimed the two women were taking away the canines to be euthanized. There's some bizarre video of Tila acting crazy, if you're interested. [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• Peter Orzsag, the seemingly straight-laced White House budget director (and the owner of the worst toupee in Washington), has been hiding a little secret. It seems he got engaged to ABC News correspondent Bianna Golodryga a few weeks ago only after dumping his previous girlfriend, shipping heiress Claire Milonas, who happened to be pregnant with their baby at the time. [NYP]
• Speaking of embarrassing White House news, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the fameseeking couple who crashed the state dinner back in November, will be collecting $5,000 to host a party at a Las Vegas club next week. [P6]
• The reason Howard Stern regular, Artie Lange, was hospitalized recently: He tried to commit suicide by stabbing himself nine times. Surgeons managed to save him "despite heavy bleeding." [P6]
• Jersey Shore will be coming back for a second season—or at least that's what one of the cast members is now saying. In the meantime, the crew will continue to collect appearance fees for showing up at bars and clubs. Prices range from $3,000 to $7,500 a piece, or you could pay $30,000 for the whole bunch. And just think of all the hair gel that could buy! [NYDN]
• Lady Gaga has signed a deal with Polaroid to become the brand's "creative director and inventor of specialty products." It's a touch unclear what this will entail exactly, but she may develop "imaging products" for the company and market a line of Gaga-branded cameras and accessories. [People, NYP]

It took 20 hours to get Kate's hair to a socially acceptable state. LiLo gets kicked off a private jet and a commercial airplane. Gary Coleman has a seizure. Political relevance infiltrates Page Six, and it's not okay: Thursday gossip.

Here comes BigJournalism.com. Drudge protege Andrew Breitbart has just launched his new media site and he's ready for war.

Katie Couric turns 53 today. Nic Cage is turning 46. Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner is 64. CSI: Miami star David Caruso is turning 54. Professional golfer (and former Celebrity Apprentice contestant) Natalie Gulbis is 27. Singer Kenny Loggins is turning 62. And Dustin Diamond, the man who so memorably played Screech on the TV show Saved by the Bell, celebrates his 33rd birthday today.

After experiencing Pandora's boundless pastoral and the perfect set of CGI breasts, some Avatar fans become depressed with reality—contemplating, even, suicide. Are you or a loved one suffering from Avatardation? Cautionary tales from the fan forums.

As was inevitable: White House gatecrashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi will host Pure Nightclub party next Saturday. Their appearance fee: a slightly pathetic $5000.

On last night's episode of the proverbial train wreck known as Bad Girls Club the gals were getting ready to hit da club. One problem: Kate didn't want to go to a black one. She's totally not racist, though! Riiiiight...

After Nicky Hilton and Bijou Phillips rescued Casey Johnson's dogs and fur coats from a braless, press-friendly Tila Tequila, the webcam star wept, accused them of killing puppies, and tweeted vows of revenge. Mulholland Drive on Meth keeps getting messier.

Currently, the White House is considering either Jan. 26th or Feb. 2nd for Obama's first State of the Union Address. Do you know anything else that is on Feb. 2nd? Yep: The 'Lost' premier. Obama is definitely a communist.

On I Get That A Lot, celebrities go undercover in the service industry to see if their customers recognize them; hidden cameras record the shenanigans. Tonight's episode featured a segment with Julie Chen that was, in a word, perfect.

Today, a judge ruled video of next week's trial on the constitutionality of California's gay marriage ban could be uploaded YouTube. Now a question looms larger even than Prop. 8's constitutionality: Will the trial go viral?

After her sublime drunk acceptance speech at the Palm Springs Film Festival last night, we waited for tonight's People's Choice Awards with bated breath: Would Mimi win favorite R&B artist? And would she be blitzed again? Yes! and... Maybe?

The LA Times reports tonight that border enforcement officials learned of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's extremist connections "as he was en route to Detroit and had decided to question him when he landed." Damn. Better luck next time, guys! [LAT]

Researchers found that families in ten 'clusters' of elevated autism rates in California were more likely to be better educated, whiter and richer. Their whiteness didn't cause autism: They probably just had better healthcare with which to detect it. [ABC]

Multi-faceted comic, Patton Oswald, brings on the guffaws with relevant discussion on eating alone. You'd think such a full figured performer would enjoy the act of consuming food, but the truth is the converse (and funny).

Hello! Are you watching TV tonight? You are? Awesome. Here's what you need to do: turn the channel to CBS at 9:00 PM and join us in the comments as we live blog The 36th Annual People's Choice Awards.

A refugee Apple flack has gone rogue and is now dishing on how the company tries to manipulate the press. Even when bending the truth in the grimy shadows of media relations, Apple uses an immaculate system.