Somewhere between finishing school and judo camp is this, the dapper gent's guide to shaking hands without getting trapped in an aggressive grip, coming off as stout, or simply seeming too gay.

The conservative majority on the Supreme Court reiterated their utterly insane opinion that corporations are people today as they struck down restrictions on campaign spending by corporations in a decision that everyone expected but that is depressing nonetheless.

If Americans cut their salt intake by one teaspoon a day, it could prevent "32,000 strokes and 54,000 heart attacks a year." Just one tiny god damn teaspoon. Jesus, just do it. For Chrissake. Just put down the Cheeto. The nerve of you people. [ABC]

Goldman Sachs announced its 2009 earnings today, and the news is bleak: While the firm took in a record $13 billion profit, it's only paying out a lousy $16 billion in bonuses, the stingiest year-end bump in the firm's history.

"Orlaaannnnndo! Concrete jungle where dreams die and wither in the hot palmetto sun and everyone's miserable..." We were in Florida last night, proud member of our nation, and gosh did we see a lot of miserable people. One got arrested!

As Steven Seagal: Lawman nears its season finale, it's pretty apparent Seagal will not be placed in any dangerous situations. But that doesn't mean he can't speak to the camera like he's the baddest man on the force.

Donald Trump and Barbara Walters are Lady Gaga fans? If they were, they may not be after attending last night's concert at Radio City: "When Gaga told the crowd that she wouldn't "go all the way" but would "suck [dick]," Donald and Melania Trump's weirdly smooth faces flashed on the huge screens looking shocked, strained and horrified. Equally not into Gaga's frequent X-rated banter? Barbara Walters who got up and split mid-show, right before Gaga sang her ballad 'Speechless.' Wawa no likey Gaga." [Paper]

Last night, Chazz Palminteri guested as Shorty, an old friend of Jay Pritchett, Ed O'Neill's patriarch of Modern Family. Shorty seemed in-line with Palminteri's usual tough guy roles (Mulholland Falls, The Usual Suspects, etc.), save one nagging secret.

Famous sex addict Benoit Denizet-Lewis is sorry for publicly confirming that Tiger Woods is in rehab for sex addiction, illustrating the fact that no addiction is quite as powerful as a SCOOP. (Except crack and heroin. And meth). [BDL]

Uma Thurman and son Levon Roan eating pizza on the street ... Hugh Jackman heading home after a trip to the gym ... Diana Ross leaving a building on Fifth Avenue ... JoJo walking into her hotel in Tribeca ... Taylor Momsen hanging out with her mom on the set of Gossip Girl in Queens ... Matthew Broderick walking son James to school ... Catherine Zeta-Jones leaving her apartment on the Upper West Side ... and Lady Gaga arriving at Radio City Music Hall last night.

Every squirrel fisherman knows that the best squirrel fishing technique is to tie a peanut on a string. Alas, they won't be making any squirrel burgers tonight, as this very determined squirrel is hungry and up to the challenge.

Mike Rowe, the consummate man's man, regales one of his dirtiest, most disgusting jobs ever on Dirty Jobs: sheep herding. Well, the actual job of herding sheep isn't so gross, it's just biting off of their testicles that's off-putting.

Goldman Sachs blew away estimates today and "delivered its richest quarterly profit in the investment bank's 140-year history," reporting that it netted $4.95 billion in the fourth quarter and $13.4 billion in 2009. The bank also reported that it paid out $13.5 billion in bonuses and salaries last year, which is more than what it handed out in 2008, but down from 2007 when it awarded its employees $20 billion in compensation. Not that Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein really expects anyone to pay any attention to his talk of the "lowest ever compensation to net revenues ratio." Per the firm's request, the NYPD set up barricades outside Goldman HQ this morning and a bomb-sniffing dog has been on the scene as well. [WSJ, NYT]

And of course, Banksy has promised the local cops he won't do any graffiti. So. [Animal NY has the whole story. Pic: trentcall]

Milk's Acadamy Award-winning screenwriter asking for advice in his hunt for a New York City apartment after recently leaving Los Angeles, to New York's Daily Intel.

She should get a trophy for finding the limo she left her bag of coke in. Also award-worthy are a mooching husband and a star with a freaky fetish. We'd like to thank the academy for these blind items.

The bulk of commercial property of gay summer resort Fire Island Pines is in the process of being bought by an unknown twentysomething hedge funder. Here's what we've dug up on the new King of Gay Paradise.

A charismatic child wearing a shirt as a wig and a diaper (as a diaper) dances to the camera person's song in what appears to be a marble palace. Chiquita Chiquita!

FYI, parents: It's not just Maclaren strollers that will steal your child's precious fingertips; Graco has also issued a stroller recall after chopping five kids' fingers off. Will Aidyn and Madelynne never know the joys of ten-digit masturbation? [Pic via]

• Glenn Close has put her two-bedroom co-op at the Beresford up for sale. The 2,000-square-foot apartment on the building's 19th floor, which comes with two terraces, private elevator landing, and neighbors like Jerry Seinfeld and John McEnroe, is listed with Corcoran's Robby Browne and can be yours for $11.8 million. [NYP, Corcoran]
• Blackstone Group co-founder Steve Schwarzman and his wife Christine have unloaded their old East Hampton home. The 2.1-acre property, which the billionaire financier bought for $2.3 million in 1996 and put on the market for $7.2 million in August 2009, has been sold to "power couple" Thomas Gallagher and Alice Jarcho-Gallagher for $6.25 million. [NYP]
• John Cleese's two-bedroom apartment at 196 East 75th Street is now in the possession of his ex-wife, Alyce Faye Eichelberger. Cleese sold the apartment, which the couple purchased together in 2007 for $1.7 million, back to her for $1.492 million. [NYO]