MFA? More like LMFAO.

The potential for anti-gay Pastor Matt Makela’s hypocrisy is apparently sky high—all the way to heaven, even. Jennifer Kish told Saginaw, Michigan’s WNEM that the disgraced pastor, who was exposed for soliciting gay sex on Grindr earlier this week, made her son 17-year-old son Tyler feel like “if he was going to go to hell for being gay that he might as well go to hell by committing suicide.”

The United States is one of the most effective reverse-Robin Hood economies in human history. But you may wonder: Could its redistribution of wealth from the impoverished to the rich be more efficient? Of course it can, with inspiration from that incubator of all great American innovations, Kansas.

“I really want for you to be my wife in paradise,” a man once wrote to his beloved. Who was this Casanova? None other than Osama bin Laden, a name synonymous with evil. But can his words land you a date on Tinder?

A Florida pediatric dentist and possible demon from your nightmares made flesh is being sued by nearly 50 patients for allegedly performing unnecessary surgery on kids—pulling out their teeth for no reason, and in some cases hitting or choking them.

How much is your community spending to incarcerate members of your community? Probably a lot more than you think.

On October 30, 2002, David Letterman gave his whole show over to one guest: Warren Zevon, who had just been diagnosed with a fatal and untreatable form of lung cancer.

Daron Dylon Wint, the Dominos-loving man accused of torturing and killing four people last week in a multimillion-dollar Washington, D.C. home, may be hiding in Brooklyn, according to Metropolitan Police Department Chief Cathy Lanier.

After he found out his flight from Charlotte to Jamaica was overbooked, and arguing loudly with airline staff didn’t change anything, an irate passenger just gave up Wednesday morning. He stopped yelling, went silent, and stripped off all his clothes in front of a U.S. Airways desk.

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If I had to guess the Big Idea communicated by the Atlantic Ideas Festival in New York City yesterday, it would be: wear a blazer, but not a tie. That seemed to be the key to getting on stage on the Atlantic Ideas Festival.

A Georgia middle school teacher was arrested Tuesday, accused of letting kids have sex with one another in his math classroom’s storage closet.

Erika Menendez was sentenced to 24 years in prison Wednesday for pushing a Hindu man, Sunando Sen, off a subway platform and onto the tracks as a train was coming into the station, killing him.

Rest in peace, Bessie the Wallsend cow. You were a docile cow, according to one man, and then you were shot dead by a phalanx of British cops with sniper rifles who were backed up by a helicopter and as many as 15 squad cars. You will be missed.

Islamic State forces captured another key Syrian territory Wednesday night, toppling government forces in the ancient city of Palmyra.

A bunch of Capitol Police officers have been such morons with their guns this year that their chief is actually requiring them to get training on how to go to the bathroom when they’re wearing their big boy holsters.

Even brands are mourning the loss of America’s favorite late-night creep (joke! maybe). Never one to be left out of a social media wave, Beef’n Cheddar outpost Arby’s posted this tweet late Wednesday night, at the start of Letterman’s final show:

David Letterman is finally retiring and it’s the end of a national nightmare, say our nation’s presidents.

Police say they’ve identified a suspect in the brutal quadruple D.C. murder—not because of evidence like the grainy surveillance footage of the killers fleeing the house, but because the killers apparently decided to order in some Dominos while they tortured and murdered four people.

Janice Dickinson’s rape claim against Bill Cosby falls well outside the statute of limitations, but she may have a civil case that could get some allegations against the disgraced comedian firmly on the record.