I mean, at what point does anybody think getting drunk and then breaking into banks is a good idea? Once Rip Torn sobers up, he might be able to tell us. Because he got arrested after doing so last night.

The Teabuggers, those pesky kids charged with a federal felony for getting into Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu's office under false pretences, see themselves as avant-garde Republican activists/humorists. So why aren't they, or any other right-wingers, funny?

So: Visa and Mastercard—who've helped ensure that your brokeass stays broke after buying things that leave you broke—waived fees on Haiti donation transactions. Wells Fargo didn't. Somebody on the internet bitched about it. Wells Fargo's response is hysterical:

You don't know if it's the stress caused to his brain by time-traveling, or if you caught this Faraday guy in the middle of a bad acid trip. Either way he is of no help. All you asked him was, "What do I do?" The above transmission was how he responded, and an alarm is going off. You've got to act quickly.

Predictably, Dave Eggers wrote a remembrance of J.D. Salinger for The New Yorker. And here I could riff on this, but I'd rather just copy-paste this comment from their website...

Remember Apple's classic '1984' ad campaign? Funny how they ended up employing Big Brother's turn-and-burn on the truth, the difference being: George Orwell labeled it "doublespeak," and Apple passes it off as advertising.

Interested in creating an astounding 3D street painting? Check out this time-lapse clip to see how these people did it.

Publicists have the best job ev-ar. They get to tell their clients how they should appear and then tell the press how their clients should appear to them. Like this one, who's trying to sell a woman's Shaq Sex story.

As previously noted, a huge, awesome interview with The Original LovGuv Eliot Spitzer went up on TED-like website Big Think, and in it, Spitzer gets candid on a number of subjects. Via NYDN, though, the best? The socks-during-sex question.

Nick McDonell was 17 when he wrote 2002's Twelve, about New York's richkids experimenting with new superdrugs. Now it's a Sundance movie, by Joel Schumacher, starring Chace Crawford, Emma Roberts, Keifer Sutherland, and 50 Cent. And it sucks. Terribly.

• You return to the beginning.

Exit 57 aired on Comedy Central for one season starting in 1995 and was never heard from again. It starred Paul Dinello, Amy Sedaris, and Stephen Colbert, who all later went on to create the cult classic Strangers With Candy.

Yes, everyone on the island turned out as best they could under the circumstances. You tweaked the automated actions just enough for Project Eden to be considered a success. You read Hanso's following message:

The key phrases come about four minutes in, when he's talking about the bipartisan fiscal planning commission idea that failed.

Michael Douglas is living through Traffic, and his kid might be a RAT. Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats trying to make beautiful music. Nicole Richie: not a skeleton. Jessica Alba's one year-old daughter: caliente? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

It seems by only giving Locke a full head of hair, he was quickly mistaken as the ideal WASP. He did his best to aclamate himself to a suburban lifestyle, but having no outlets for his confusing emotions he would begin to show signs of madness. After murdering his first wife in cold blood, he became thirsty for murder. He can now be found marrying divorced MILFs and then butchering them for their money. The accompanying transmission shows what will happen when a Dharma representative is sent to his house. Jesus, Locke! Talk about about Daddy issues. Yeah, this guy had them, and they were supposed to have been wiped out. Guess you should have given him that mustache... but you're lucky, the Eden program had expected a high chance of Locke being unsustainable because of contact with the Esau batch in the Jabobian Island executable file. Locke's dossier is accompanied by a hyperlink only to be used if an emergency should present itself. This is an emergency.

Look at him go, all the skill that was once spent making people tell all their government's secrets has been transformed into an uncanny ability to make people DANCE DANCE DANCE! "The Sayid" becomes as immortal as "The Jitterbug," "The Hustle," and "The Bartman," combined.

The computer has dispersed a directive, and you receive a video transmission. Well, hot dang, Sayid is one heck of a country singer. He shows the world around him that there is no culture barrier when it comes to that Appalachian sound. This must be his alternative to the carnal sin of terrorizing political prisoners. Along with the video you receive a short message:

Sayid Jarrah, former interrogator for the Iraqui Republican Guard, once misused all of his mental abilities in the terrorizing of political prisoners. Now his reawakened personal passions must be redefined. But how? Using only a picture of the former interrogator and the enclosed ink-blot, which of these two concepts seem more in tune:

A show from a game named for what is possibly the hottest video game villainess ever conceived. Carmen Sandiego is a dangerous criminal, but many a geek out there found in the Sandiego franchise a fetish they could subscribe to.