Alex Blagg is not going to improvise like some sort of monkey; Lily Allen is not going to stand for your "fat whore" condolences; and Nick Bilton is not particularly enjoying this week's pressure cooker. The Twitterati defied reality.

Tonight is the highly anticipated Gawker.TV meetup, so we'll all be out toasting to our amazing commenters. But that doesn't mean the #tvparty has to stop! Thursday is a big night for TV, so be sure to get in there!

[This isn't a jumper. It's one of 31 life-size fiberglass statues installed by British artist Antony Gormley around NYC yesterday. Image via Getty]

This is an awful commercial for Calvin Klein's new brand of "X" underwear.

[via Videogum]

"They're an elitist pestilence," Andrew Breitbart says of liberal Hollywood celebrities in this Wired profile of the conservative internet publisher. And then, after saying that, Andrew went to a Manhattan nightclub to drink Cristal with rich people.

TONIGHT: Katherine McPhee plays Chevy Chase's step-daugher on Community, Andy Samberg plays Sarah Silverman's old friend from grade school, The Office's Andy and Erin finally go out on their date, and the Top 12 are revealed on American Idol.

People usually don't spend a lot of time thinking about toilet paper. However, in this film life is toilet paper. Every aspect of this man's sad, hopeless and sometimes funny life can be represented through the medium of bath tissue.

Slate blogger and pathological counterintuitionist Mickey Kaus is actually serious about challenging Barbara Boxer in the California Democratic primary. The deadline to file nomination papers is tomorrow, and he's been gathering signatures. Will Slate let him write as a candidate?

Today we looked at our screwed up public school system and it sparked a lively debate among you commenters. What's to be done? One commenter in particular unpacked the problem nicely. Nothing was solved exactly, but nothing ever is.

An Apple Store staffer said she was choked by Richard Belzer. The Law & Order star, meanwhile, says he just touched the employee's shoulders to get her attention. Plus she's a crazy person who kept him waiting.

It's hard not to make up words and sing along to Parks and Recreation's theme song. When the tune and intro combine with Star Wars' Jabba the Hutt, the world is left wanting a Tatooine and Sadomasochism spin-off.

[The actor, who apparently broke his arm during an arm-wrestling match, in New York; image via INF]

Here are the dates for Conan O'Brien's live tour. It's pretty much sold out already.

Conan O'Brien is going on tour, Betty White will officially host SNL, Chad Ochocinco gets his own Vh1 dating show, Elisha Cuthbert will star in a new ABC sitcom, Ed Helms and Jason Segel pair up for a stoner comedy.

Billy the Exterminator describes an outcome of bat infestation that is among the more disgusting things ever uttered. Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, I call this story The Tale of the Poo Covered Congregants.

According to director Joshua Newton's lawsuit against Variety for breach of contract—he's mad that Variety trashed his movie after selling him on a $400,000 Oscar campaign—the paper doesn't think its own reviews matter.

Joshua Newton, the director of Iron Cross, filed this complaint against Variety on behalf of his production company Calibra Pictures earlier this week. He accuses Variety of breach of contract and unfair business practices, among other things, for selling him on a $400,000 Oscar campaign for Iron Cross only to turn around and publish a scathing review.

A Korean man named Lee Jin-gyu has fallen in love with and married a body pillow. And not one of those pillows that's all busted; this one's way soft. We should be outraged, but that pillow is too damn sexy.

Zomgoggles, here is the just-released trailer for the new Twilight movie, Total Eclipse of the Heart. There is: replacement vampire witch Bryce Dallas Howard (a big movie star!), everyone loving Bella, and shirtlessness. Always with the shirtlessness. Sparkly news day!